I feel for you - it hurts my heart. I have felt what you feel. I have never actually made an attempt because I don't want my children to find me and I don't want my family to not get the insurance. Please keep trying to get help. I know I will be checking this site at least once a day, so feel free to spill out whatever if you need to talk. I ended up at the hospital several months ago for suicide watch. it's a nightmare when thinking of dying becomes a comfort. Email or send me a message any time. The part about people thinking it's a joke just broke my heart. Even mentioning dying on purpose is NOT a joke. It is scary and serious. You don't know me at all, but I will tell you that I do care, and I have sat where you are sittng - sometimes I think I'm just one seat over! Please live every day. No matter how insignificant you may think it is, there are people out there whose lives wouldn't be as full or as good if you weren't in them. Your death would hurt people you probably never would guess. Write ANY time.

Oleander, i am so sorry you feel so horrible..... and i understand about going to the hospital...
you really need to find a great psychiatrist that will work with you closely at every step of the way....

just know, that what you feel is because of the illness... which, can be controlled....

do you have any support from friends and family?

I lost all my friends when they found out I went to a shrink ward and I was bipolar. My family tried for a month or so but gave up and they think I'm a lost cause because of all the neg. stuff I say and think and because meds don't work on me.

I will be checking this site at least a couple of times during the day too, so please feel free to e-mail me...

I am so sorry for all your losses.... i have gone through some of the same things with losing friends.... and it's very painful...

but, you do heal and when you do, you find new loves--you find new people that genuinly love and care about you and you give that love in return and wake up thanking God that you didn't give up....

hang in there..... if you can page your doctor first thing on monday... that would be great.. if you say you are suicidal and have a plan, he is gonna tell you to go to the hospital, so just ask him to see you ASAP. It seams like you have thoughts of suicide, but do you actually seriously contemplate it?

I have spent the last two weeks packing things that belong to others and labeling it and writing letters the only prob I have is I have no way to actually do it, since my mom has my pills and I get drug tested.

ok.... I guess, the most important question is...

Do you, deep down, what help? and are you willing to fight with every fiber of your soul?

I honestly don't know. Since my "sisters" disowned me it put me further down in my depression. I don't know that I physically can hang on. I think if I had the means right now I would do it.

Oleander... please know that you have a serious illness and even if no one is taking it seriously, you must..

and... there is help out there.. if you are suicidal and have contemplated it, don't worry what everyone else will think, make sure you get help (even if it means to go to the hospital)

this is just like having Diabetes or cancer... it is simply a disease and you need the most help you can get. It is not your fault and don't feel guilty for having it or feeling the way you do...

I don't see why it matters if I live or die? The only people that seem to care are on this website and they don't even know me.

let me make this very clear not by killing yourself ! make someone listen please! you are scaring the shit out of me right now. you need to be in the hospital until you can find a way get past this.

Why am I scaring the shit out of someone that doesn't even know me????

I just want to be normal

dont you know! you are me 20 years ago

I care! I care! I care!

I just don't want to depend on pills for the rest of my life cuz I know me I will eventually stop taking them. Sad part is I was better when I wasn't on meds. The more meds they put me on the worse I get and the more the suicide thoughts get stronger. I thought bout ECT know anything bout it? Does it work?