I feel your pain. I've gained 55 pounds over the course of 21 months of my wife's cancer diagnosis and death. Not much happiness in my life either. Try to keep happy for my sons. This site helps. We all know exactly the pain you're dealing with. Stay strong

Don't be so hard on yourself. It will take time. My ex is still grieving his wife who passed away seven years ago. You should probably get some counseling so you can have someone to talk to who can help you get through the process. Sending love your way.

Roist, what a story. You have a right to post on here as much as anyone and what a post this was. I wish I could but the button never worked for me. I guess it's only me. What you're describing with your young wife sounds like the worst thing to bear...not knowing. I'm actually going through something very similar with my husband's death, deemed "natural" to date. His autopsy findings not complete yet. But I yesterday found a study online that grievously confirmed my own beliefs. I will see about the details.
Please, please stop hurting your soul in the manner you have been--viewing yourself as the monster who laughed at her. You know

(continued) AND she knows that you love her and didn't know she was in real trouble until those few moments later when she started to fall, so please show mercy to yourself. It helps to reverse the situation to understand better. What if you had been the one falling? Would you want your wife to torture herself with guilt and grief over you forever? Stay in touch on here. I know I will try to.

Hi Roist,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your wife. One year is not a long time to be grieving, Roist. I understand your pain so well - I lost my beloved husband almost 8 months ago. He was only 48 years old and it was very sudden and unexpected. I have regrets and I, too, have flashbacks to what he looked like when I found him. We have to try to keep telling ourselves that they knew that we loved them with all our hearts and that we did the best we could. We must try to show ourselves compassion and understanding.

Hi Roist. You are tormented by the memories of your wife's' death. I recognized that in your writing because it takes one to know one, and I am tormented by the memories of my husband's long, slow, torturous death from cancer. I talked to a professional counselor about what happened and it seemed to help me a bit.

Sylvia

Over considered seeing a councillor or a therapist but a part of me worries that maybe I am a bit bonkers. I know it's not normal to hear voices of people who have passed, or see her still laying there. And if he does think I'm crazy, what if he has me committed? I can't do that! Lol

Besides, I wouldn't know what to tell him (or her, it's a modern world! ). I've never really been good at talking.

Well, I don't know everything about the process, but as far as I know, they really can't commit you (in the U.S., anyway) unless you are a danger to yourself or someone else. And I honestly think that hearing the voices of people who have passed or still seeing them is probably more common among the bereaved than we think.

But anyway, if you aren't comfortable seeing a counselor, at least you have this board. It has definitely helped me. I also went to a group called GriefShare (look online............they are all over the U.S.) I hope you keep coming back to this board...........we are all here for each other.

I am sorry for your lost...A year is not very long and if your grieve has been kept bottled inside in order to protect others as you said, it take a toll on you. As suggested, grief share may be good for you. Coming here has been a great tool with my grieve but it was the bereavement group I went to that help me see that what I was going through was normal and that I was not crazy. It also help to be able to talk about it out loud to people who knew how to help you cope. Painful but needed.

Good Luck .

I also know the feeling. It's been 9 months since my husbands death and I still have not totally accepted it. I was not with him when it happened and did not find out until almost 24 hours later! I have not been able to read the coroners report yet. I feel if I do, I might go and do something stupid to someone. Not being able to say goodbye and that I loved him was the hardest part. We were high school sweethearts and would have been married 50 years this coming February. Some days are OK but then there are the days when that is all that consumes your thoughts. Shoud-a, could-a, would-a. That has no place for me now. We had a small argument when I left and that fact makes it so much worse. I know he knew and I knew that we loved each other very much and no way did he plan on this happening. So many things were left undone and unsaid and we will never get that chance back, so I try to make the best of each day. You all know it's SO hard to get through some days but it's what we have to do. Not only for ourselves, but for the others they left behind. His mother is still living and his other sibling died the December before him. I tried to keep her with me, as I promised, but it got too hard and she is in a personal care home right now. Being alone is really hard, then one of my granddaughters will call and lift me up some, We all miss him and are still trying to cope. I only have 3 more holidays to get through without him, Memorial Day, Father's Day and the 4th of July--the day he died. My granddaughter wants to have a big party that day and I'm thinking we just might. So for everyone, sometimes it does get easier, not better, but we need to realize that someone had plans for this and it may take a long time to figure it out. So in the meantime, we just need to take it a day at a time, some good, some bad, and some REAL bad, but eventually we can all do it no matter how hard or heartbreaking it is.

So in what rule book does it say that you should be fine within one year? It takes what it takes with a whole lot of baby steps. The smallest of accomplishments help build us up. I washed some dishes today. I took a shower today. I did laundry today. I got to work on time today. I smiled at someone today. But your most important accomplishment is that you missed your wife today. You had a great love, and it will take much time for your broken heart to heal. Just hang in there, minute by minute, day by day. And as for questioning your sanity, well, my sanity went out the window but it keeps waving at me through the glass pane. Although I'm not certain whose inside and whose outside the glass. You've suffered a severe shock. Could be PTSD, which some get diagnosed with in the most traumatic of deaths, and yours certainly qualifies. Do see your doctor, if for nothing else, just to share the things you don't have anyone to talk with about. Take care of yourself because we have no one to take care of us now. ~~~ Scottie

What you are going thru is what we all have gone thru. There isn't anything normal about. But what you are feeling is normal for what you gone thru. Give it time. It does get better but it will take awhile. I am almost two years out. My wife passed unexpectedly to. I came in from work and she was gone. So here there are people who can relate to exactly what you feel. Keep coming here. It truly helps to know there are others who know your pain. Just take your time. It isn't a race so move slow. Cry when you need to. Sleep when you need to. Stair at the wall if you want to.
Don't think about tomorrow. Just focus minute by minute. But you do need to take care of you. Even if you don't feel like it. You have to take care of you. If you are a man of faith. Then lean on it heavily.
Take care.
Peace. Tim

Be gentle on yourself. Those people who think you should be "over it".....have they ever experienced such pain and loss? Try and get counselling if you are able. You need to get your grief out and there are people who can help you. Take care.

The guilt and blame stage..I go over it too often. I am refusing to any longer though..you did Everything you could. There is no time frame on grief as it will always be here we just learn how to live with it. My Aunt used a metaphor and said We all have our crosses to bear in life and when we drop our crosses we pick it up and go on again. There will be happiness it just takes time. Your noticing now how you need to start trying to take better care of yourself now so it is a start :) Huge Hugs ((()))) We will get out of this and onward again.

Welcome to this place, where none of us want to be. but we very much need to find out that we are not the only ones going through all of this.
You are being very hard on yourself, and that is a normal part of grief.
Try to think "outside of the box" which you are condemning yourself to: which is, that the last thing she saw was your initial laughter,.
Humans are much more than just organic matter, such as a beating heart and a conscious brain, etc.. (in other words, we have a non-tangible soul) Even physical death takes some minutes to occur,, before our souls leave our body. That does not happen immediately, just because our eyes close & we become unconscious. (coma patients with massive brain trauma have later told what they heard and even saw people doing-, while unconscious & with eyes closed) Your wife would have heard and seen your response, in the moments you BOTH experienced it happening, and you attempted to help. Your own account conveys very loving responses. Her soul would still have been present, not gone, during the first minutes. and you tried to help. She knew that you love her. How could *you immediately know what was happening, when *she didn’t know, either? The “funny look” she had, was surely not her fully understanding what was happening) You got to her very fast and did everything you could.
Please allow yourself Time to adjust to such a sudden, unexpected death. It is very traumatic. A year is not very long after losing your wife. It is even harder while suppressing your grief, for the sake of her family.
I just hit the 2 year mark, and I am re-living more trauma about my husbands death now, than I did the whole first year (I was very ill the first year & 1/2 ). It is hard "waking up" to sudden shock repeatedly, but I think illness blocked certain things until now that I am healthy.
Grief sucks. There is No timetable for any of us.
No matter what we tell ourselves, and know to be true, our emotions and subconscious minds do not adjust with the same speed as learning the facts.
Our lack of control over it can make us question our sanity. The only control we really have, is that of giving ourselves permission To Grieve. Not only do we have to grant permission, we have to learn how to actively engage in grieving. It is much like having a job which me must do, or go bankrupt by avoiding.
Some of it has predictable days/dates, and some of it hits us more like a collision- by surprise. but it is more survivable if we tell ourselves to wear a seatbelt & expect some wrecks, than it is to deny that we are even inside a moving vehicle. This trauma is hitting us whether we admit it or not.
My most recent effort at “buckling up” is just by facing the fact that my dreams about waking up to his death in our bed are unavoidable. Hopefully I will eventually wake up from them in slightly less of a shattered condition. Dreams refuse to ask for my permission, but I try to process some of the ordeal while I am awake. Partially.
One thing I can tell you is, people who are really Insane never question their sanity. So you are ok right now.
;-)
You are also concerned about weight/eating, hygiene, and coping with your life outside of home. ALL are aspects of grief, and there are additional things too. Different people have differing symptoms. Trust me.
Some people eat too much & gain weight, some lose appetite & weight. This can be quite drastic. We all feel abnormal in grief.. It is a monumental effort to function anywhere near normal, just for part of our time.
I hope my reply has been helpful.
Barbara.