Hi! I feel stupid posting here. Not even sure why I am really. Everyone here probably has it worse than me. My wife passed away a little over a year ago, and I have pretty much fallen into a slump. I know this isn't normal. I don't like going outside, I have been gaining weight excessively. My hygiene has pretty much fallen to the roadside. 

When she passed away, she died in my arms. They labeled her death natural causes..but she was 32, healthy and even a vegetarian. There wasn't anything natural about it..but they said they couldn't determine any cause of death, so labeled it natural causes. When she passed away she called out to me, and looked at me funny. I thought she was being goofy and I kind of laughed, and then she started to fall. So i grabbed her and dragged her to a clearing on the floor so I could lay her down, before grabbing the phone. 

It's bothered me, that I guess she knew something was wrong and called out to me for help, and the last thing she saw was me apparently laughing at her like some kind of monster. Yes, I didn't know what was happening..but all she saw was me laughing while she needed my help.

I tried CPR as the 911 operator instructed me to, but it apparently didn't work. The ambulance came, and got her to the hospital. I followed, but when I got there and after waiting for awhile, they told me that she was gone. That's when my life went completely downhill.

I am trying to get my life back in order, and I know! I should have it all squared away by now! I should be over it and moving on...It's been a year. However, I still have breakdowns. Sometimes I still see her body laying in the floor where she passed. it's a vivid image. So vivid in fact, that sometimes I try and step over the area because it looks like she's lying there. I hear her voice in the middle of the night, and there are nights I can't sleep at all because when I close my eyes, the night of her death just comes playing back in my mind.

I can't really talk to anybody about it because everyone in my family loved her like a daughter, granddaughter, and sister. They were all torn up by her passing as well, and they were just as upset as I was. I felt talking to them would make them upset and hurt..and I didn't want to be the one to cause anyone any more pain, so I would just put on a fake smile when they were around and act like I was doing fine and managing, when in reality I was falling apart, and at times I was doubting my own sanity. I still doubt my own sanity sometimes.