The harderst part about losing your loved one is how you lose yourself in the process. Not only are you no longer part of this couple but you can never go back to the person you were before.

I was such the crazy, sacrastic person. I would burst into sound or dance at any given moment. I was the M & M in group, hard on the outside but soft in the middle. These days I feel like the marshmellow. If I call someone up they will take my call and tell me to call them anytime but they never just call me up out of the blue. I miss my friends and my job. I knew moving would have it's challenges, I knew I was leaving everyone I knew but I guess I didn't think it would be this hard. I miss that crazy person I once was. I just don't feel it anymore. It feels like Brad took it when he left me. 

I love my siblings and that is what I moved here for but they have their own lives and we are very different people. I also feel lost around them, I have always had strong opioions. But how I looked at things was always based on my relationship with my husband. I always took his likes and dislikes into mind when I was picking out something or trying to figure something out. He is not here now so I feel lost and have to ask my siblings the stupiest questions. I know what I look like from the outside but that is not me, that is just me without him. 

I am sitting here wearing one of this shirts that I found yesterday while I was unpacking. I kept a few of his comfortable sweaters in a box which I forgot about. I am slowly crying as I am writing this, something I haven't done in awhile. I need to get motivated. I have a list of things I said I would do when I got here, join the gym, read a book, explore my town, volunteer. I just need to get something done.