Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I'd like to hear how you are REALLY doing, since we know our pre-bereavement friends think we should be over it. If you want, answer how far out you are and how you are getting along physically, mentally, emotionallly, spiritually and socially. Add anything else you think is pertinent, - like current favorite song.
I am at 23 months. My husband died suddenly at age 57.
Physically - I work out and use the ellipticals at the gym a lot. I get tired
easily.
Mentally - I teach Spanish 2 days a week and am taking a German course. I read a lot.
Emotionally - I have some good times, especially when I take "field trips' aorund here to art centers, nature sanctuaries.I also have a lot of crushing loneliness and anxiety that keeps me tired and sad. Sometimes I am angry or upset easily because I feel "raw."
Spiritually - I am trying harder than ever to lead the life I believe my Higher Power wants me to live. Prayer and meditation are big for me. I believe my husband is happy and well.
Socially - I get out 3 or 4 nights a week, am doing a weekend with and old friend at a spiritual conference soon, I sing with a group once a month, I volunteer weekly and try to learn new things. I probably look better than I feel. Mostly, I don't care a lot.
Financially - Okay. Not rich, not poor. Grateful I can do most all of my own indoor and outdoor work. I hire in electrians and HVAC services when needed.
Favorite current song: "Let It Be" by Lennon and McCartny
What helps me: God and exercise
I am at 23 months. My husband died suddenly at age 57.
Physically - I work out and use the ellipticals at the gym a lot. I get tired
easily.
Mentally - I teach Spanish 2 days a week and am taking a German course. I read a lot.
Emotionally - I have some good times, especially when I take "field trips' aorund here to art centers, nature sanctuaries.I also have a lot of crushing loneliness and anxiety that keeps me tired and sad. Sometimes I am angry or upset easily because I feel "raw."
Spiritually - I am trying harder than ever to lead the life I believe my Higher Power wants me to live. Prayer and meditation are big for me. I believe my husband is happy and well.
Socially - I get out 3 or 4 nights a week, am doing a weekend with and old friend at a spiritual conference soon, I sing with a group once a month, I volunteer weekly and try to learn new things. I probably look better than I feel. Mostly, I don't care a lot.
Financially - Okay. Not rich, not poor. Grateful I can do most all of my own indoor and outdoor work. I hire in electrians and HVAC services when needed.
Favorite current song: "Let It Be" by Lennon and McCartny
What helps me: God and exercise
Has been 3 yrs in Dec. since Norm left this earth................
Physically...........not much excercising;however, am starting to do more around the house........mentally...........when I bottom line things, I am blessed and contented in many areas of my life but missing Norm is ever present.............emotionally.....in a better place now,often think about seeing Norm again when it is my time...........feel he has become a part of me in a different way....................social..............watch too much tv-joined a community choir which I believe is one of the best things I have done for myself......volunteer at a center once a week..........in a bible study................spend quite a bit of time on the phone with friends who live out of state................enjoy spending time with my family......am also ok alone..........love my pets.......financially.............have enough and am thankful...........first year without working and am still dealing with that.........but am managing..............song...........don't have a favorite..just plain love music..............find that when I put on upbeat music, I get more done and feel more energy....................guess I"m doing ok.........lol...Lori
Physically - 5 years of constant stress has taken its toll. I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself some days. I have developed new, painful health issues which make my life difficult. My career is gone. I am reasonably physically active - I hike every chance I get, and I am up and down stairs many times a day, so I am sort of strong and sort of weak. I am not sleeping well. I have had to give up some of the things I love doing because physically I can no longer do them, and that has a knock-on emotional effect.
Mentally - I still have pieces of my memory missing. Some new things are easy to learn and some are not. I am worried about this because I am studying to take my permanent residency test to stay in the UK, and it's been a lot harder than I thought it would be. I am having trouble hanging onto the facts that I will have to know for my test. A lot hinges on me passing the test, including my sons' visas. I think in other respects I am much clearer - my priorities are very different from what they were 5 years ago. I think I am still pretty good at being able to evaluate situations and see things others don't, which comes in handy as a CL sometimes.
Emotionally - I am a wreck right now. I am under a lot of stress and all the major grief factors have come up for me, including the grief that never ends for me - the fact that my sons will be forever disabled and that I have to hope that I outlive my children because they may never be able to be on their own. I am madly in love with my new husband, but I know that everything we have on our plate at present is a strain. I go for days where I just want to curl up in a ball in the corner and cry - but I can't do that - EVER. As I say, I will probably be better after I get through the death anniversary and my test and our visa crisis - hopefully by Thanksgiving.
Spiritually - I still live by the same principles that I always have, includiong the Commandments and the Golden Rule, etc., and I don't expect some sort of reward for that. My faith is not exactly gone, but very changed. I believe there probably is a God, but He has left me to sort this all out on my own. Perhaps He is busy on another planet somewhere, working on a new world. I would like to think I haven't just been abandoned - just that He's too busy to help me out of this mess. I am not really bitter about that anymore - I once was - but I am disappointed and saddened by it. I am happy to pray for others, but I no longer pray for myself.
Socially - I lost everything in the last 5 years, and have had to try to rebuild a social life. I am struggling with that here in the UK. I have lived here 2 years now, and am only now seeing any glimmers of possible friendship here. I have no close friends here. My social life consists of seeing my in-laws or the book club I joined, both once per month. I have never been so isolated in my life. All of my family is in the States, and we communicate by e-mail and occasional Skype calls. None of the friends I had when Cliff died remain in my life. I am a foreigner here, and often I encounter distrust simply because I am an American. And I am in England for God's sakes! Our closest ally! Life is different here....
Financially - we're okay but we have to be careful. The latest rounds of immigration costs are going to be huge, and we're still supporting my home in the States until next summer. I am used to being frugal though, had to be all my life, so we aren't suffering, but I do wish I didn't have to be quite so careful sometimes. Hey, every girl likes a shopping spree once in awhile! :) Cliff left me with nothing. We survived his loss only because I had some things in place, not because he had made any real efforts. That was just who he was - lousy with money. My new husband, thankfully, is not like that, so I am not complaining.
Favorite current song? Hmm...that's a tough one. I am listening to a lot of old stuff, and in particular have been enjoying old songs from Sting and The Police, including "If I Lose My Faith in You" and "Shadows in the Rain" and "Invisible Sun."
What helps me - Sheer stubbornness, reading, and knowing I have survived this far, I will make it a little farther still. Also looking a bit ahead, for when this immediate crisis time passes, but not looking too far ahead - that just makes me crazy. It's a delicate balance. I am hoping to get back to my handcrafts soon - doing anything creative always helps me. Having a few trusted DS friends that I can talk to - thank heavens for them!
As I say, my answers may be very different by Thanksgiving....
Love and Hugs,
Martha
Physically - Lost 10 pounds the 2 weeks my husband was in the hospital and it's been slowly coming back on (although I'd prefer it didn't since I do actually need to lose it). I run 3 times a week.
Mentally - I think too much. Get sad often.
Emotionally - I have good times and bad times. This week (after work) is probably the most time I've spent alone since my husband and I started going out 11 yeas ago. I usually have lots of plans but apparently not this week. So I've had more sad and lonely moments.
Spiritually - I've never really been a believer. I mean, I guess there might be something out there. I'm kind of a proof person. I could see this as proof that maybe there isn't something. I don't know. I know I doubt more than I did before (and that's my right...I'm allowed). I know this puts me in the minority here and will probably put people off but everyone is entitled to their own beliefs (or non-beliefs).
Socially - I spend a lot of time with friends. Luckily, I work with some of my long time (before we worked together) friends so we are in contact most of the day. I also have a standing weekly "date" with my husband's favorite cousin (except this week as she was sick).
Financially - Okay. I was able to finally refinance the house so that knocked $200 of the monthly payment and life insurance money paid off everything left outstanding but the house. Lucked out that work had a life insurance policy free to it's employees (we worked for the same company). The life insurance part was the easiest thing to take care of. I do find it annoying that because we didn't have kids, that I don't get his SSI for another 27+ years. Even without it, I wont lose the house. The thought crossed my mind as my husband was in the hospital that I was going to lose him and our home.
Favorite current song: I have a couple long standing favorites but I currently like "shake it out" by Florence + the machine. I have it on my running playlist.
What helps me: My friends
Thanks for asking and for reading. Sorry if I offended anyone.
Physically: I'm exhausted. I homeschool our 2 youngest and "mother" the "adult, married" child 4 states away. I don't sleep well partially because of a horrid mattress. I hope to solve a that problem soon...mattress sales. The thought of buying a bed depresses me. I "traded" mattresses with my former pastor and dear friend. They sleep on a lovely pillowtop Tempurpedic while I toss and turn on their new King Koil. haha I'm glad I was able to bless them. There would have been no way I would have been able to sleep on that mattress again. I try to exercise but I just don't seem to "care".
Emotionally: Good days and bad days. The good days had been out weighing the bad ones. I'm sad when I visit our daughter and son-in-law. We take a lot of "field trips" because I hate being home and alone. I did sell the big house and moved back to my (our) hometown. Not sure if that was a good move or not. The boys refused to live in the big house so this was a good option.
Lately people have been getting on my nerves. I'm annoyed with my in-laws. I find I have a quicker temper at times. At times I am not proud of the way I behave.
Spiritually: Paul and I were studying to enter the ministry. Now I question everything. I am not "denouncing" but questioning. Lately there seems to be a lot of questions that don't have answers. Yes, I know faith and Hebrews 11...but it seems like my family has been hit hard the last few weeks. I KNOW, without a doubt, Paul is healed. That gives me comfort and peace.
Socially: I am out with the boys daily. I am NOT accepted here. The church family I had here were of no help. We worked with church plants for several years and I was use to people not knowing how to handle difficult situations. This wasn't a plant, but it was a very unhealthy, sick church. So, I find myself "churchless" though my closest and dearest friends are church champions. Others see me as a "problem". The widow...if I could get them to understand I have NO interest in their husbands....I wish I had a friend, my age.
Financially: I'm okay. I was an accountant before I had my first child. We were debt free (and low mortgage) most of our married life. Selling and downsizing has helped. If I'm careful, I'll be alright.
Music: I don't have one favorite song. I find myself reliving our lives through song. It is interesting 24 years ago, the first concert Paul and I saw together was Elvis Costello (touring with Nick Lowe) and the last was Elvis Costello (The Spinning Wheel--with the Imposters) last May before he got sick. As crude as EC can be I'd have to say when I want to think about Paul, and have a good cry, those are the cds I reach for.
I can talk sometimes about Ken and not well up sometimes I cry when others are talking about him.. I still miss him so much he was my life..
This is my second Thanksgiving and we now have a new tradition so I figure it's part of the new faze of life.. I've learned well how to hold in emotions and not tell anyone just how I feel with a smile on my face and they never know just how lonely it is..
I hope everyone is doing well.. I forced myself to move on as I know Ken would be angry if I didn't..
Physically- If it is possible to have a panic attack that lasts 18 months then I had it. It is over now, the stress and anxiety are gone but I fear that my health has been permanently damaged. I get out and walk almost every day, try to eat healthy food. I don't feel physically normal though. Something is out of whack.
Emotionally I am a little better but sometimes I awake at night and feel like a knife is sticking in my heart. The tears still come at the drop of a hat. I still grieve for my DH, the wonderful retirement we had planned, my home state, my friends, and a wonderful widower I had been going out with but had to leave behind.
Socially- My friends were wonderful after DH died. They didn't abandon me. In the months after DH death I made many new friends as well. I chose to leave all this behind to live near my family cross country. I have joined a church and the choir, see my family two or three times a week, babysit for the grandkids when they are sick, but there is still a lot of alone and lonely time I need to fill.
Spiritually- I pray every day. I know that God is there even though I don't often feel His presence. I go to church, pray the rosary, try to trust in Him. I have been very guilty of not trusting in God since DH died.
Financially- Right now I am doing fine but I wonder if I really want to squeeze every dime out trying to live a long life. I have lived my life and I don't know if I really want to continue on without my beloved. I would rather leave something to my children rather than spending it all on medical care. What I am trying to say is that I am thinking about avoiding doctors altogether and let age and nature take its course.
Being a widow stinks, I hate it!
Its only been 5 weeks for me,my Husband committed suicide.We have 2 children 9 and 11.