Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

1 Online

Barely Hanging On

On April 6 my wife, 31, was killed in a car accident.  My three young children 1,4,6 were in the back seat and survived with minor injuries.  My oldest son got out of his car seat and checked mom over trying to open her eyes up and such, but told his little brothers Mommy's dead.  I thought things were getting better a day at a time, but now that the numbness is wearing off that empty house and bed are really starting to kill me inside.  


I have been very strong in my faith in God for years, and through this time, I am feeling as though my faith is failing.  I am losing hope.  I had the perfect marriage and wife.  We were truly soul mates and best friends.  Now I have no one.  At 32 years old I am now a widower, what an ugly title.  


She was a stay at home mom, and homeschooled our children.  My life is upside down and I am reeling at times to keep it together enough just to work through the day at my job.  My mind keeps trying to find a way to fix this thing, yet every morning I wake up and shes still dead.  


I also have had to fight sheer panic from overtaking me at times.  Many from my church have reached out and been very supportive, but engaging in the activities often triggers my insecurity and grief.  Lately I have been isolating myself, as it seems that the world has moved on around me.  I feel like a wet blanket on everyone, and it is difficult to go out in public.  All I see are women with rings on thier fingers, and old gray haired couples holding hands.  Feels like a knife in my chest.

Replies

Kimberlina
Kimberlina

My heart breaks for you! Keep holding on to God. Times are going to be difficult but take care of yourself and let others help in anyway that you need.
porkchopcash
porkchopcash

I am so very sorry for your loss and for your pain. Coming here does help. Rant, rave, vent, go crazy here. We all understand. Take it moment by moment. Grab onto anything that gives you strength. I think isolating oneself is just part of it. It was for me, but know that you are not alone. Blessings and Peace.
staygolden3
staygolden3

Oh my goodness.......my heart aches for you. You are still in shock and in the dreaded widows fog. You need to take one day at a time second by second as there is no other way to get through such a tragedy. Remember to take care of yourself even though you won't feel like it most of the time. Your strength is very important right now. I just want you to know that you are loved and in the thoughts and prayers of many people.
Warm hugs to you and your precious family for strength and courage at this most difficult time.
Darcie
VWTDIFAN
VWTDIFAN

Thanks for the uplifting words. I keep asking God "how long, Lord, how long". I just want this misery to be over. My grief share stuff is saying that this will never go away, and recovery takes years. Not very comforting.

I have moments where I feel like my old self, sometimes even a day or two where I am not in the worst of spirits. Yet times like this morning I beg God to take my life.

Last week I was alone at home for a while, and I was so filled with rage that I could have knocked my house down with my bare hands.

It just doesn't make any sense why she was taken. There is no enjoyment in anything, I have no ambition, and I just don't seem to care either.

I just heard a song on the radio by her favorite artist and I had a "grief burst". Ugh.

I'm sick of people telling me how good I am doing. Flat out sick of it. Good doesn't exist in my vocabulary right now. The inner pain and anguish I feel in my soul has crushed that word.

I get asked, how is it today? I would normally say good or bad depending on my mood, but its more like bad or worse honestly. How can I have a good day? Really. The love of my life is dead.
geo70
geo70

Same here 3.5 years ago my wife died in a car accident as well. Sometimes I stay away from church for weeks at a time. I tried to explain to my pastor how hard it is to see all the happy families.

I, even after a few years find myself in the numbness you are describing.
ladybjt
ladybjt

Oh my! I am so sorry you have to go through this. I am seven weeks, today, into this and would give anything not to be. The "grief burst" come out of nowhere sometimes I am finding. Yesterday one hit me while I was at work. Please know that the people on this site care and that you are not alone. Hugs! Betty
regwin
regwin

I'm so very sorry. I can feel your pain. The grief process is different for every one. It is not forever, though you will always remember. A grief group can help very much. Counseling can help also.
Grieving is the most difficult emotion to bear. Accept all the offers of help with the children. My heart goes out to you and your little family. You will stay in my prayers. May the Love of God be with you. Dolores
Dottk
Dottk

What an awful thing. I don't know what I could possibly say to assuage any of the nightmarish pain and grief that you and your little children must be experiencing. I do understand how hard it can be to maintain your confidence and trust in God's word and promises in black times of depression and despair, but I have come to believe that, in truth, that faith is all we have. Without it, their is no hope for either our loved ones or ourselves, and we can only give in to a pathetic pointlessness of all existance. For me, that is impossible. I look at my grandchildren, all young ones like your children, and I am certain that cannot be the truth. They matter. I matter. You matter. Your children matter. Our loved ones mattered as well, and will continue to as long as we who survive them remember them and the people and causes they cared for. God, I know beyond doubt, is big enough to know, understand, and help you deal with your current doubts, your sorrow, your hurt, your anger, and more. Do not hide it from Him or be afraid to bring it to Him. I certainly have.
I send you hugs and hugs for each of your little children, too. Please relay them. I will pray for you and them, and we will be here whenever you need to "spillover". I hope you will stay in touch.
VWTDIFAN
VWTDIFAN

Thanks to all for the kindness.

I have been seeing my counselor that my also knew my wife. It has helped some, but even he said that my wife set the bar REALLY high and will be tough to match by anyone.

It has been such a roller coaster lately. My biggest fear is that I will never be a husband again. I really enjoyed being married.

Its been such a shock to go from being the happily married family man, to a widower with kids. I am just hopeful that there will be someone out there that will love not just me, but my kids.

I guess its part of the panic and uncertainty. Facing the reality that I will have to date again, and that it will never be the same as it was sure leaves me uneasy.

I know that this was part of God's plan for my life and hers, its just really hard to accept. Without a doubt that she is with Jesus, as she had just been publicly baptized in Dec, and she was working very closely with our children's schooling with biblical curriculum.
An honest Christian woman she was. I am so happy for her, but I am just wishing it was me instead.

I have always been very mentally stable, and never prone to depression, but this event has thrown me into a cycle of pure emotional torment.

I go from singing along with a song on the radio and tapping my foot, to bawling my eyes out at times.
Missmyanne
Missmyanne

I know from where you come my friend. To have the love of your life taken from you so suddenly. My wife was 53. I left her for 20 minutes tops sitting at our kitchen table drinking a glass of wine and watching her news show. She was a news junkie. I went out into our Florida room to have a beer. I came back into the kitchen about 20 minutes later found her on the floor. She went into sudden cardiac arrest as I was not more that 30 feet from her and never knew it. This was a second marriage for both of us. We had no children together. You however have 3 very young. I can't even imagine being in your situation. Best of luck to you.

I'd like to respond to a line in your last post. You said... "I am just wishing it was me."..... I had a conversation with my step son in law after my wife passed. I made the comment "Well I guess if one of us had to die I'm glad it was her. I could never leave her here in this much pain." I felt like such a shit after I said that. I posted on this very board asking what everyone thought of my comment. To the person they all understood what I meant. So please do not wish it was you. Those children need you now more than ever. Be there for them. As I'm sure you will.

Good thoughts and best wishes out to you and yours my friend. (((Big bear hug)))

You will get through this in time.
Dottk
Dottk

As do we all.. I did it myself. And actually, it was IN church this past Sunday. And it was a new church I haven't even been to before........ :\
Dottk
Dottk

I meant the song problem, of course.
Sorry.
Leelalulee
Leelalulee

Oh how I can relate to the old grey haired couples comment! I do not feel angry most of the time... just unbelievably sad... but when folks say how long they have been married, and I see retired folks living out the dreams we shared I do feel sick.
Blessings to you as your try and navigate the new life you have been forced into.

Lisa
VWTDIFAN
VWTDIFAN

Thanks all the more to everyone.

I would have stepped in front of anything to save my wife. That's what I mean when I say I wish it was me. I have also stated to some family that I am glad she was killed instantly and in the best health of her life. Had she survived and the kids been hurt or me, that would have devastated her to be sure. Her life was these kids. I wouldn't want her to feel what I'm feeling, not even one tenth.

I now have an appreciation for PTSD, as I was doing what I thought was better about two weeks ago. I went to worship service and the first song that was played was the beginning song played the Sunday after the accident happened. I broke and wept through most of the service. It felt like day one all over again.

I am really having a hard time letting go honestly. I am not a husband anymore, nor a lover, etc......After all these years together it is so difficult to face such a change. I just don't want to accept reality I guess. Forced is the right word.
cgriff4ever
cgriff4ever

I'm so sorry your wife passed on. Its been almost 2 1/2 years since my soulmate/bestfriend/lover/husband passed. He was in an accident, and was to death. He left behind a 10 year old and 19 year old. I was where you are now, and it just takes time, and working through it and allowing yourself to be sad, angry, cry, etc...Children are very resilient, and they tend to adjust, but you might seek out counseling. I attended 3 griefshare support groups. Much love and gentle hugs carla
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