“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

Oh yes,...grief calls EVERY past strength and victory into question.
During this immense pain I have not always reached for tools which I had previously learned to recognize and handle well.
At times it is nearly impossible to distinguish between my emotional, grieving self- accusations, and those being drilled into me by the Enemy of my soul. Remember this: the conviction of God's spirit draws us closer to Him. Condemnation is from the Enemy, it's purpose is to make us run away from God. When in doubt, say "the blood of Jesus cleanses me".
Every person listed in that great "Hall of faith" Hebrews Ch 11, had great failures, in addition to their famous steps of faith. None of us are free of blame, but we are clean in His sight, by *His finished work*.
You need to know that not only can God handle all your emotions, but he wants you to bring them all to him openly. Honesty with Him is intimacy.
He knows your unfettered panic better than you do. Anxiety, panic etc., is all part of living in this mortal body, which is not in the original perfect condition which God started with.
This is not the time for you to "know where to go from here." The biggest goal for you now is to Keep your thoughts in today only. Each day will unfold.
So many believers use what God intended for comfort, to hit each other in the heads with.
Hear this: EVERY time that the bible records God saying "do not be afraid" it is because someone WAS afraid, in that context. He knows that we all become afraid. It is not said as chastisement, but for comfort to urge us to draw near to Him. not "if" we ever fear, but because we all Will and Do become afraid.
No matter how shattered you feel, you are functioning at a high level of fortitude. I can tell you that I Would Never Have gone on a church camping trip so early in grief.
The triggers are many.
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear."
You are being prayed for!
Love,
Barb.

I lost my husband of 29 years June 8th and believe me when I say the pain is unbearable. I wish so much I had someone who knew my pain. I feel so alone. I miss him so much. I was hoping to connect with someone who was like me and we could help each other. My number is 2075152056

VW I would think there is always a purpose/reason. If not a sparrow falls to the ground w/out God knowing about it, what does that tell you about how involved he is in our lives? Maybe you are being tested--Job was upright, and feared God, and turned away from evil, and look what happened to him? His children died, and his servants were killed, etc. You know the story. And Satan asked to sift Peter like wheat. The most important thing is that these people still served and worshipped God. The devil attempts to get people to renounce/distrust God. His main thrust is to deceive. So it will be like this unto the end. He stands before God day and night accusing. But saints have Jesus ever alive to make intercession for them. That's all they need...May God be near you at all times. "Casting all your care upon him, for he cares for you.""Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge. Trust in him at all times."

I am one of those old couple's who lost her husband of 40 years to lung cancer. It was 10 years ago on June 15th AND Father's Day following it . I often feel so fortunate to have had him when we were raising our children and am sorry for those who are not so fortunate. I must say, it's not easy for me either. I am a mother and a grandmother, yet I am alone without him. I had forgotten how it was being single. I left my childhood home to marry my high school sweetheart.

With time you feel missing them, but so thankful for what we had. Sharon

Well, I survived the camping trip with my church friends. I certainly struggled watching the couples together at times. I did find it socially awkward to be sure. It was nice to see the moms there loving on my kids. I also found some time to do some journaling while the kids were playing on the beach. It seems that my writing is the only sure way to head off an episode of grief. Is it advisable to share the journal stuff on here? I noticed that there is a section just for that.

I made it back in time to hit the 9am service at my church. I did weep admittedly while there. Watching the couples interact and the perfect little families.........well, still hurts. Over all today wasn't my worst by far. I still have my moments, as I cried it out a few more times this afternoon.

I've just been bracing myself for the next inevitable big release. I am hoping that the dark clouds will lift more and more. My sister told me tonight that I should start thinking about going through her stuff as it's the next step in letting go. There are so many things here at home that should be getting done, but I just cannot seem to bring myself to do so. I feel frozen.

Bouncing between the anger, depression, and denial seems to be my biggest hurdle right now. I have admittedly become somewhat cynical while listening to sermons and testimonies lately. No matter what happens in my situation from here on out, my wife cannot be brought back. All the uplifting stories from people who ALMOST lost their spouse or loved one to something seem to hurt more than help.

I know God is testing me with this. I just wish there would have been some other way to bring me to my knees. Losing my lovely wife so young and suddenly is the absolute toughest thing that could have happened to me, without a doubt. I am struggling with how He could possibly redeem this situation. I know anything is possible with Him, but I am just so disillusioned right now.

VW, I know the feeling of trying to fix the situation of death. The fact that there is no fix (but Christ at the resurrection) is something that doesn't seem like it should be born. I say this in tears. Jesus wept over death--at the sight of those weeping over Lazarus' s death. And this was right before raising him up! I can just say that for whatever reason this is the lot you've been dealt, and as harsh as it may seem to say we need to embrace it as God's allowance for us. He sees you remember and every bit of your pain at her hurt. It's for us to go on and seek God MORE, rather than keeping him at a distance because of this. Job shaved his head, ripped his clothes, then fell down and worshipped God saying he came in naked and he was going out that way. Jehovah gave and Jehovah has taken away. Then he blessed God's name. God wants to be our rock and our refuge. "The word of God is a hightower; the righteous run into it and is safe." " Draw close to God and he will draw close to you." God bless you.

Going through your wife things is something that you need to choose timing that is right for you., not what others say. Your wife will always be a part of you. and your children.
Listening to sermons which have been prepared for generic listeners hurts. It's not cynical, it just feels like a really lousy and painful "fit" in you. Remember the Lord wants you to express your emotions and thoughts to Him. it is His way through this.
Also, my younger brother, the ONLY growing we ever really do is on bended knees with the Lord. It was not early in Jesus ministry when He prayed "Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me, nevertheless, not my will but Yours be done." These were the ending hours and the whole reason for which He was sent, the fulfillment of the all law and the prophets.
Hebrews 5:8: though He was a Son, yet He learned obedience by the things which He suffered.
it is a mystery, that Jesus had to "learn" anything. But this consoles me. for in Philippians read chapter 10 verses 8-10. think on verse 10:....that I may know Him,............ and ***the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death,***..."
There is a fellowship with HIM that we only get from the same kind of sufferings AGONY, of our wills, which He Himself, won before us.
Even HE would have chosen a different Way (and voiced that to the Father!). yet He continued for us.
Your ministry will be Real with others, for the rest of your life. A fellowship that is grown nowhere else. most precious.
As you endure this which every fiber of your being longs to escape.
You have prayers.
B.

I was honest with God today. I told him frankly that I'm angry, bitter, disheartened, disillusioned, hopeless, and I want to give up. From the first I tried my best to use this for his kingdom, it's apparent now that my strength is failing. I think its right on that I need to accept the hand I was dealt here, but I don't want to. It's part of the anger and denial. If I accept it, it will be all the more real and painful. I suppose I'm not honest with God when I say let your will be done, as I still want my old life back. Some of my old sins have begun to visit me, and it just adds to my failure and grief. I feel like I'm teetering between clinging to God and giving up all together. I will now have a hard time facing my church friends since I was so optimistic earlier with my victory over these bad habits. I think it's shame honestly, since I have fallen short of the mark Christ expects.

Stop whipping on yourself! Jesus HimSELF did NOT WANT to suffer. and He is God. So, the only way we fall short, is by expecting more from ourselves, than God Himself does. We have nothing, apart from grace, and His free gift.
"For it is God who works in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure.". we don't have the will, my dear brother... NONE of us do. and we certainly can DO nothing. He earned it for us.
I love you, man. The Weak in heart, God holds nearest his breast.
You are scored most excellent in all things, by His work.

and, ps, Your Highest score Ever, for sharing your true heart, not some fake phony bunch of lies. That is where your strength comes from.

sorry man, I forgot to include the verse Phil 2:13.
OR gospel according to Barb. deepest level of Agony, verse whatchamacallit.

do you know how to accept my friend request? if you prefer to stay more private, that is fine too. I am just getting confused about how to send anything more to you at your profile page.

what we do in this forum is keep lifting each others' heads above the drowning level. Daily.

your weekend spent a whole lot of emotional energy, for coping with the whole social atmosphere of being among so many families who are not in this same grief with you. I know you have an evening to get through with the kids, But you need a major amount of rest. remember when Elijah ran from jezebel? the Lord provided sleep, then an angel of mercy, and He gave food to Elijah, and drink of water, and sleep again.
https://bible.org/seriespage/16-restoration-elijah-1-kings-195-18
I am praying for you to sleep, and drink water, and sleep again, and eat and sleep. OK,.... I did not follow the exact sequence. but we all have to learn to take care of our bodies during grief. This is real life survival now.
You are younger than my youngest adult kid. you had a tiring journey this weekend.

I am also a young widow(30-ish) one thing that has helped me is to think of grief like a sickness. If you want to be alone, be alone, if you want to cry, cry etc, etc. In the beginning of grief our bodies are in shock and things like rest, food and sleep can be overlooked. Take care of you health first. The emotional/mental healing are the most painful, but don't forget about the needs of the body during grief. Hydrate, rest and if you are not up for something don't do it.