On April 6 my wife, 31, was killed in a car accident.  My three young children 1,4,6 were in the back seat and survived with minor injuries.  My oldest son got out of his car seat and checked mom over trying to open her eyes up and such, but told his little brothers Mommy's dead.  I thought things were getting better a day at a time, but now that the numbness is wearing off that empty house and bed are really starting to kill me inside.  

I have been very strong in my faith in God for years, and through this time, I am feeling as though my faith is failing.  I am losing hope.  I had the perfect marriage and wife.  We were truly soul mates and best friends.  Now I have no one.  At 32 years old I am now a widower, what an ugly title.  

She was a stay at home mom, and homeschooled our children.  My life is upside down and I am reeling at times to keep it together enough just to work through the day at my job.  My mind keeps trying to find a way to fix this thing, yet every morning I wake up and shes still dead.  

I also have had to fight sheer panic from overtaking me at times.  Many from my church have reached out and been very supportive, but engaging in the activities often triggers my insecurity and grief.  Lately I have been isolating myself, as it seems that the world has moved on around me.  I feel like a wet blanket on everyone, and it is difficult to go out in public.  All I see are women with rings on thier fingers, and old gray haired couples holding hands.  Feels like a knife in my chest.