Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
On April 6 my wife, 31, was killed in a car accident. My three young children 1,4,6 were in the back seat and survived with minor injuries. My oldest son got out of his car seat and checked mom over trying to open her eyes up and such, but told his little brothers Mommy's dead. I thought things were getting better a day at a time, but now that the numbness is wearing off that empty house and bed are really starting to kill me inside.
I have been very strong in my faith in God for years, and through this time, I am feeling as though my faith is failing. I am losing hope. I had the perfect marriage and wife. We were truly soul mates and best friends. Now I have no one. At 32 years old I am now a widower, what an ugly title.
She was a stay at home mom, and homeschooled our children. My life is upside down and I am reeling at times to keep it together enough just to work through the day at my job. My mind keeps trying to find a way to fix this thing, yet every morning I wake up and shes still dead.
I also have had to fight sheer panic from overtaking me at times. Many from my church have reached out and been very supportive, but engaging in the activities often triggers my insecurity and grief. Lately I have been isolating myself, as it seems that the world has moved on around me. I feel like a wet blanket on everyone, and it is difficult to go out in public. All I see are women with rings on thier fingers, and old gray haired couples holding hands. Feels like a knife in my chest.
Some things: please go to the forum which I sent you by message, and read my last post in the discussion titled "Finding oneself". I did that during one of my "good" days...and honey, it's what I can tell you.
1. you are being tried in the fire. This means that you DO have faith. and are of great value to God.
2. the book of Job is a true narrative. & is now your nightmare. except your children are still here. and hopefully, you are healthy. Eat, drink plenty of water, sleep, cry.
sit in a fog. whatever, pace yourself to survive.
Later, 2 Corinthians Ch 1. vs 3 thru 10 is deep. Just note it in your bible. read later. maybe MUCH later. It was written in HINDSIGHT by Paul. not during suffering. Please note the honesty about being "pressed beyond measure, above strength, in so much he "despaired, even of life". This is permission for you.
3. right now you are literally enveloped in peoples' prayers. This, and shock, shields you from how deep and broad and bloody your pain & loss is. It goes throughout every aspect of your life,. and several areas which you don't yet know..
Pass prayer needs on Quickly to people whom are identified as being comfortable for you. I can not emphasize how MUCH prayer you need.! If you are in agony, that is when you pass it on. Don't wait, if possible.
4. widows (much less, widowers) are SO In Need within the church. (UN)Fortunately for you: your are now in the category of Tragedy. Even though you are unable to walk through this slough of loss & despondency, NOTE OF EVERY OFFER for help. Get a small notebook. because, just about the time you become more able to interact enough to "use" people, they will start forgetting the needs you have. (they don't even know NOW. only you and God will identify this, as time passes).
I know this is impossible, but OFFER must be connected to NEED, write it as it pops in your mind. you can read it over the phone. To Someone, in church is needed for One Thing: Peoples' offers+ your need+ volunteers= real help (i.e.; Accept meals. and things to freeze. for the kids. laundry. shopping, A day (or hours) for daddy to cry, scream, time for Self-care. tell God yourself, He knows your anger, pain. Psalms & Job show EVERYthing expressed to Him. You need time.
If this is all too hard for you, I am willing to speak with your pastor or staff, by phone.
Feel free to send me private messages.
You will be in my prayers.
Love,
Barb.
Yes I think I am still in shock. The pain and grief seems as though it is intensifying, it feels different than the first round right after the accident.
Looking back at every thing, I am not sure how I made it this far. As if I am living in some kind of twilight zone.
I can not tell you how to do that, as I have no experience there.
I know of young fathers with young children who have done it, but I'm sure it will be another "learn as you go" road in life.
You have prayer.
B.
You will be walking with your kids through grief. It is healthier to let them share your tears, than it would be to deny sorrow. They will experience survival. Do not be afraid to pray with them, while you suffer. That is as real as it gets.
My father died when I was 4. Grieving with someone would have been much more beneficial than stuffing it down inside. That does not diminish sorrow, just gives an endless life to it, inside of a kid.
B.
I have people reaching out to me to go out and do things, yet when I do spend time with others I get a feeling of panic and anxiety. I am taking two of my kids camping for the weekend with some friends from church that invited us, and I am all nerves about even leaving my house. I can't do anything it seems without the feeling of nervousness. All I want to do is lay in bed and sleep.
There are times I think she is going to come walking in the door. I saw the car after the accident, I made it through the funeral, and I touched the box with her ashes. Yet something inside me just can't accept the fact that she is gone and will never breathe again.
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Assuming that you are comfortable with your counselor, I suggest that you schedule recurring sessions, not only meet after a new wave has already hit you, because the waves are 100% gonna occur. We need to create new habits, and one of the major helps is to keep any & all of our tools within reach. This is developing a new "second nature" within us. The first time we use something is awkward & strange. Each time we reach for That thereafter, it feels more like a familiar friend., who we have spoken to before, and is more comfortable.
One of our repeated problems is "I just don't get it." and "I really thought I was getting better, but___________", insert any incomprehensible & surprising blow upon you.
Everything you wrote is what happens inside of us after losing your spouse.
This is not made up of a logical "solution", just adaptations for coping. The onslaught is relentless, but we can survive. Intelligent people (dare I say, especially Men?) face problems with a "Fix it" mentality. However, you are immersed in cruel waters now. Unpredictable waves, and undertows, and strong winds which hit you without warning. A bit further on, we sometimes are able to predict certain challenges in this storm. But right now, you are completely disoriented. Imagine you are "free-falling", but not by choice. A plane door opened and you did not jump, but there you are. The first ripcords you pull will be tools which have helped in your life before grief...but it does not open your parachute. So, as you soar down through the air, pulled by gravity, you have to look for a new cord and do it while full of terror and confusion....you feel no strength. nothing is working like your past-life "tools" did.
I want you to know that the Lord has a bag of new tools and He will guide you to them.
We have to learn, not only "What is a tool for THIS?" but also a different kind of inner dexterity in using them. Nothing makes logical sense during a fall from this plane. Your mind freezes up.
Anxiety is formed by your sense of self-preservation, it is Fight or flight, inside humans.
This new anxiety is not because you don't trust God. You still DO, even when you doubt that. But your atmosphere has changed, and during this fall, you will learn that new tools exist, Where they are, How to use them. I am sorry that you can only learn ONE STEP at a time. One minute, hour or day at a time. But take heart: equipment DOES exist and someday you will be able to look back and see that during your most horrid pain & confusion, Your Lord's Hands held you in spite of your weakness. His Arms held you close to His heart. and you will be a new man: a man who has deliverances to share with others in pain.
He comforts us, Not to makes us comfortable, but to make us into comforters.
It is good that you are looking for answers, for solutions. We can point in a direction, but you will really learn from the Him: "He was a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief". ONLY someOne who is acquainted with grief can equip you. and you will learn, by God, you will learn.
Love,
Barb.
Sylvia
I just wish that I could regulate the pain to a constant level. I just keep thinking that little box of ashes can't be her. As I camp with friends this weekend all I see are the happy little families and men with their wives. I'm stuck in the why me?
I surrendered my children and family to God. I prayed over them and my wife as they slept laying them in his hands. I said he could use me and my family for his kingdom, and whatever happens I'd trust him to see me through. I thanked him for how blessed I was. I asked him to keep me humble, and to protect my family. I said not my will but yours Lord. My wife and I were getting engaged in the church, homeschooling the kids with faith based curriculum. We had cleaned our lives out from many vices and things that weren't pleasing to him.
Since the shock has begun to wear off I've clearly told God that we did everything he asked us to do. In my weakest moments I've told him my faith is failing because we did everything right and this was the result. I've felt guilt at times, as though I brought this on myself with what I prayed.
I'm so lost as I don't know where to go from here. I've been playing a mental tug of war between believing there's a purpose for this and just giving up. Without my best friend and soul mate live seems barely worth living. Yet as a Christian I can't do anything to hurt myself. I feel like I'm locked in prison.