I’m so glad this group exists, I just found you today..
i was involved with a psychopath for two years then the last year I have been letting him back into my life once every month or every two months so in total three years, I have been no contact for two months now except for the last time I saw him at a red light, I was proud of myself because he tried to talk to me and I just took off when the light changed and didn’t even say one word to him so I’m sure that brused his ego for the moment, he is very violent and has been in prison.
He abused me in every way possible, even tried to drive me crazy which at times I feel he has succeeded, I have read so much on the topic, what gets me so much is that I still love him and miss him, conflicting emotions haunt me every single day, I never contact him he always does to me and I always let him in even if just to use me, I am repulsed as well as attracted, I know that’s normal in these cases because of trauma bonds, in our relationship he always turned everything around on me (projecting/gaslighting) yet I still feel so guilty, I know I shouldn’t but it’s like a deep never ending darkness that never goes away, the worst thing is he will just show up at my house so I’m still always in that fight mode because I put on a front when I see him that I am strong without him yet inside I’m dying and I think I can handle seeing him but every time it just makes it worse, he always tells me how good he is doing now making a lot of money he has his own business, has someone new ( a sugar momma, who he most likely cheated on me with) yet sleeps with me, I feel as though I am addicted to him yet it literally makes me sick, I try and tell myself that I’m better than that which I believe I deserve to be treated better yet the thoughts of him are more powerful, I see a therapist once a week and now started going to a support group for domestic violence but it’s not the same as a true psychopath because they fuck with your mind just for the fun of it, he always loved to torture me and turn it around and blame me I did something to get him mad and he does it back to me 100 fold, some things I read gives me hope they all say no contact and self love and time, yet some I read it’s like 20 years and they still think about them...
i know I have to dig in and pull the strength that lies somewhere in me, but I have to admit he absolutely destroyed and broke me, one of the worst things I can’t get past is how such a horrible person can have life so good now he’s just moving on happy and I’m sitting here in devastation, plus no one understands people actually make it worse...
one thimg I do know is that no matter how much money he makes and good his life seems he will never change because that is who deep down inside he is, so no matter who he is with will go threw the same thing I did, all the ones before me did it will never stop.
Thank u for reading my story I’m so glad I have a place to share my story cos sometimes I feel as if I can’t go on anymore with all this pain but honestly I think he would get off on thinking I did it because of him and I can’t let him win that one.
1. Exceptional Advice
has entered my home. Mom came home from work two hours into her shift at work. We went to urgent care and she has the flu. I currently have a sore throat. Only on the left side though. My sister, who is a nurse, told me to get sambucol. So I got that, some chloroseptic spray, chloroseptic lozenges, Gatorade, and chapstick because my lips are disintegrating. I want to take a hot bath but we...