Yes Distarr it was nice to get away .. it's a beautiful place .. so peaceful and beautiful. Thank you for your kind words, I was fortunate to have met some great people here when I really needed them .. people that, in some ways, saved my life. I like to come back from time to time to help others, I will always be grateful that someone here took the time to listen to me in my darkest hour!

I think you should hold fire on the kitten / puppy idea until you get your head straight a little, especially if it is triggering your anxiety. You need to work on yourself, and that shattered self esteem. Reinvent yourself, you have already mentioned exercise and yoga, get your hair done, have a spa day, have a long weekend in a city you'd love to visit, take an evening class or a sport (swimming, badminton etc) .. start to take back your life again!

I agree about the restraining order but I think that until he crawls out of the woodwork again, that might be like poking him with a stick. It will involve the police going around to his house / address and physically telling him to stay away (it does in the UK anyway) .. whereas what you really need is for him to forget you exist at all! I think if he shows up again at your place, you must ring the police immediately, no bargaining or negotiating with him, don't even open the door. Just ring the police and have him removed from your property, then file for a restraining order. Psychopaths don't take kindly to rejection, the moment you attempt defiance will put you in a dangerous situation, it's important that you have the backing of the law if things turn ugly again!

You've come so far Distarr :)

This is for you https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhC1pI76Rqo

Very cool... thank you...
I love music

Me too Distarr .. it can be empowering .. but it's best to steer clear of any songs that remind you of the psycho!!

Yeah, today hasn’t been that good, was thinking about him but I know I’m getting stronger because it didn’t take over me, almost started to cry but I didn’t I stopped myself but I keep seeing his face which brings up so many different emotions it’s so painful, MuchWiserNow how long does it take? I guess we are all different but this rollar coaster just drives me insaine, and I do have a gut feeling he will be by not sure when probably when things go bad with whatever’s he’s up to now, it’s so sad that he will always have all these people that he has hurt do you believe in karma? That sometimes eases my mind because I do believe u can’t go around treating people that way with all the evil his has inside and not catch up to him what are your thoughts?

It’s so sick and twisted though I stayed to feel guilty about things with him of course the reason I did a lot of them was from actions of his behavior, see I did move away and he never forgave me for leaving even though that’s when he was majorly violent with me, and I do see that it’s wtong to feel that way but the emotions I still have when thinking of some things makes me feel I did stuff wrong and I can’t wrap my head around that just like giving all his furniture away when I left that he couldn’t believe and did I suffer for that, I kicked him out that time as well, how I wish I would have never came back I know by now I would have been so much better, but I guess I shouldn’t be looking in the past I know it’s showing that I have compassion but it hurts so much as well... one day I will be like you and help others if I make it

It's normal to feel angry Distarr, it's a natural reaction when someone hurts us, but you must find an outlet for this pent up emotion otherwise you will internalise it, and it would do you more harm than good! There is nothing wrong with crying, you've been through a traumatic experience, cut yourself some slack. It takes as long as it takes Distarr, unfortunately there is no set time .. three months is early days .. and each day that passes is a step closer to recovery.

I do most definitely believe in Karma, I think they are destined to live a dark and soulless existence, never properly experiencing love or happiness. You will eventually find yourself again, and will go on to meet someone who will make you truly happy, and you will look back on this episode with disdain.

Feeling guilty is also normal, there is absolutely NO EXCUSE for domestic violence of any form, no matter what you had done, it is never acceptable to physically harm someone, don't justify this appalling behaviour ... You can feel that trauma bond tugging .. if I'd done this different .. or said that different etc etc .. you still would have ended up here .. right where you are now!

You will make it ... it sounds like you have given him chance after chance after chance, and yet you seem quick to blame yourself for things that were out of your control ...

Ask your yourself these questions:

Is this how you want to be treated by someone who professes to love you?
Are you prepared to live in the chaos that they create forevermore, never questioning the lies and mistrust?
Don't you deserve better? (the answer is YES!)

There are so many good sites online offering advice .. this is one of the best ... !!

https://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2010/12/22/the-psychopaths-relationship-cycle-idealize-devalue-and-discard/

Yes that is a great website I have been in it many times, I wish they would take new people on but I guess the lady is writing a new book so you can’t comment anymore but it is one of the best ones I have ever seen it has helped me a lot, just like you have, every time I read what you write me it makes me feel better I want you to know even though I repeat myself a lot you always listen and it means sooooooo much!!!! Thank u for helping me ha you help me more than my therapist because u have been threw it and you know exactly where I’m coming from God I hope I can get where you are one day I really do, I woke up today again he was the first thing on my mind and now I’m so bored at work so it just keeps mind mind going, and the support group I’m going too just seems to trigger me more at times there’s his one girl who always talks and it’s like all about her for 40 minutes and the group is only 45 so not sure if I’m going back... it’s so beautiful here today so that’s something positive

Hi Distarr,

I hope you're feeling better today! We actually have some sunny weather here in England .. I've been weed-busting in my garden ... even though they will probably grow back tomorrow! :)

A couple of times you've mentioned that your job is boring .. and this is not helping with the over-active mind .. could you maybe look for another job? or take a class in something that does interest you? Part of your recovery is turning your thinking back to yourself (and not him) ... if you have a garden, then it's time to get digging. Take up painting, cross stitch .. anything creative really .. maybe you're a DIY person .. pour your energy into cultivating something, it will help you with your sense of self worth (believe me)

Something that helped me immensely was travelling to new places, there must be somewhere you have always wanted to visit .. my parents live in Ireland, so I became a solitary traveller for a while and went to Dublin and Galway (and a few other less known places) and retraced my ancestry a little,
I discovered that I had a whole family in Iowa too, who left Ireland during the great famine. I am now in regular contact with them on facebook.

My point is, you need a reason to get up in the morning .. especially if your job isn't really doing it for you! Whilst you have been in this relationship, more and more of him has slowly contaminated your mind, the negativity, the lies, the feeble excuses, the walking on eggshells - I used to play 'guess his mood today' .. I stopped doing the things I liked to do (for a quiet life), and everything became about HIM.

Thank you for the acknowledgement (by the way!) ... you can most definitely get through this .. this is the absolute hardest part that you are grappling through now .. you have to find yourself again, remember who you were before he turned your life upside down. You will emerge a stronger person, you will tolerate less bad behaviour from people, you will learn that arguing (even talking) to these people is a waste of your valuable time, and you will be indifferent to them, you will feel neither love or hate, you will feel nothing! I hope when that day comes that you spare me a fleeting thought and a smile - the truth will set you free!

Wow that’s really cool I’m glad you travel around that sounds really fun!!
Yesterday I had so many triggers it was horrible, but today was better I went to Asheville to meet up with a therapist who specializes in domestic violence it was SO refreshing to know she knows all about psychopaths, she had worked in the field for 20 years even worked in the prison system with men and women, hopefully finally someone who can help, I see one Theapist but it’s not really helping much... so I am hopeful about this one, I know in the end I have to do it myself but I feel so weak, yesterday I had a dream about him then was in Walmart and from behind this guy looked a lot like him so a had to get out of there fast but it brought all those emotions out and it sucked... I actually went on a job interview for a second job but it’s going to be worse with time on my hands but he money is decent I have to really work now because the winter here is horrible as far as money goes, I hate when his face flashes in my head it’s so crazy, at work I have to pretend and not have a breakdown in front of people but I do go in the bathroom when I can’t take it anymore, it just so unbelievable to me how much abuse I went threw for all that time I just was in denial, now when I think about what I went threw and who he really is I just can’t believe plus all the damage he did to me and it might even last me the rest of my life when all I did was love him... and yes I used to get so mad and frustrated when he just would bring up stuff to argue and get me upset he really liked doing that he would get me in such a frenzy ( I really felt as though I was going insaine) I’m not sure if he just did it to do it or he really believed his lies I guess it doesn’t really matter then any time I would question him he would start to freak out, one thing that Theapist told me is something I already know yet for some reason I can’t seem to grasp is that they can never change it’s a behavior issue and faulty brain wiring I know that is but that’s a part of me losing my mind now is all these thoughts flood my mind about how good he’s doing now and I’m sure he blames me for him being mad and freaking out and sometimes I almost believe it, but then I remember how sick he is how tormented he is how sadistic he is, then I know he really can never change and at some point he will lose it again because that’s who he is, that’s who he is deep in his soul he is evil, I used to try and tel myself that it was almost like a different person when he became violent like that was a “demon” coming out ( he has demon tattoos all over as well as though he’s proud of that) there was a time I actually thought he had multiple personalities but what I came to realize that is the true him that horrible, mean, violent person all the other stuff is just a mask...
I have other online support groups I’m going to so I don’t feel so alone, my brother got me so mad lastnight I told him about the dream I had and he starts yelling at me telling me I’m never going to let him go ( like I can’t help what I dream) after the day I had that was just the icing on the cake, it kills me the only family I have left I can’t even talk about him, I get his frustration but he traumatized me some more I’m sorry if I repeat things but I have to get it out... after your relationship with the psychopath have you been able to have a good relationship? I sometimes wonder if it’s possible for me, I hope so, I know it will be a long time before I can do that I have to work on myself, sorry I always talk about me, how are you? I hope your doing good, you seem to be happy and that’s so refreshing because that seems so distant to me now happiness but you give me hope and from the bottom of my heart I thank you so very much...

Hi Distarr,

I hope you're well ...!

In regards to your brother, he doesn't understand what you have been through, which is why he is becoming frustrated when you talk about your ex. Look at it from his point of view, he sees you repeatedly reuniting with your violent ex, and he isn't desensitized to the vile things they do (like you are) so it's a pretty black and white situation for him. My brother was much the same, he still doesn't 'get it' after all these years. You have to live it first hand to truly understand it!

It's great that you have found some support in a therapist that understands about psychopathy. What you have just 'escaped' from was no ordinary love affair. Where you use the word 'weak' to describe your present state of mind, I would replace that with 'vulnerable' .. you're not weak, you wouldn't be here seeking help if you were .. You are fragile and confused .. if seeing a therapist helps give you some closure from the whole sorry situation then it can only be a good thing!

Whilst you were in this relationship with the psycho, your intuition would have alerted you to so much that was going on below the surface, things that you did not want to see. A lot of what you suspected (in his behaviour) was probably true, even though you were told otherwise. It really is pointless arguing with them because they make it up as they go along, it's a waste of your valuable time and energy.

Hi MuchWiserNow,

It’s been a rough day, I keep having flashbacks and hearing all the bad stuff he used to say, and seeing his face, yet I’m longing for him it’s that trauma bond Shit, today exactly is 3 months that I have been no contact, I reached out to a hot line and no one answered, then I called another one and she was really nice and said she was really proud of me for reaching out because I know deep down inside he is bad for me yes I know that, I get mad at myself for having these feelings, although everything says it’s normal, something inside me wants to unblock him yet I know I can’t!!! it’s like a tug of war between my heart and my head, I KNOW I CANT UNBLOCK HIM yet I want to, God it’s so sick and twisted and I don’t want to go back I don’t want to see him because I KNOW it won’t be good and he would get off on that so much if he knew how bad I was struggling, I tried to use coping skills to distract myself but nothing works, I walked the lake yet I cried the whole time, I went to the grocery and I cried I wore my sunglasses so people don’t know how bad I’m tormented, if I only got away from him in the beginning when my gut told me to, now I am truly psychologically damaged but I saw the red flags but I wanted to help him and I thought I could then it was too late I was trapped like an animal in a cage I stayed home from work today because my internet went out so this is the third day in a row I’m home so I know that probably had something to do with it... I don’t know MuchWiserNow if I can make it I’m so sick of all this pain, but I know that would be the ultimate prize for him not only would he get off on it he would be justified in saying I was the crazy one!
Thank you for listening out of everyone you have the best words, and evertime I read your words it makes me feel better I’m trying so hard to stay strong i really don’t want to let myself down, and to be real I can’t take it to even hear his voice cos I know it would just be all lies anyway, I also kept thinking today out of all the things he most likely lied and I just looked over them but my gut told me I was right ( especially with him cheating on me I never caught him or had for sure proof) but I know in my heart he did... but then I started doubting myself maybe it was me just being jealous although he always tried to make me jealous, I just keep having major flashbacks today and I feel so alone, with no one to turn too it’s nice your here I know you care and that means a lot! Your the only one besides that Theapist that understands that it the only two in my life, sad isn’t it....