Hi Distarr .. I hope you're having a much better day today. Don't beat yourself up because you had a moment of madness .. you will have many more of those before the healing process is over.

Having no closure, and a million unanswered questions, does tend to make you feel confused and somewhat lost (for a while). They create an emotional rollercoaster with their bullshit, and it is this constant up and down that we tend to get addicted to. I am not ashamed to admit that I was addicted to the drama, and without it, my life felt mundane and meaningless. But it was unhealthy, the mistrust ate away at my self esteem, and the fact that I was lying to everyone (my family and friends) by pretending everything was fine, when from their perspective, it clearly wasn't.. My brother once said to me (after I had left the psycho for good) that I would tell him about stuff that he'd done, crazy stuff .. and then I'd go running back to him! He could never understand it - he still can't - because you have to experience it first hand to really know just how messed up things become.

It is a blessing that your texts have disappeared (and very strange indeed I might add) .. although it is often good to look back on it all and reflect -,it is far too early for you to be looking at things objectively, you will only succeed in torturing yourself further. believe me when I say that regardless of the words that are written, you would have ended up right where you are now .. doing things differently would have brought you to the same destination. Nothing good ever comes from a relationship with a psychopath.

Accept that your self esteem and self worth has been shattered into pieces .. each day that passes will see you picking up those pieces and piecing them back together. You will acknowledge the crazy behaviour, and see it for what it really is but it is a piece by piece process, you can't force it, it will come in its own time.

It’s so crazy every single thing you wrote is exactly what I am going threw and have been threw even to the fact of your brother!!! Mine said the same thing and made it worse for me, I have to tell you what I have done two days ago I finally let go, I have lied to myself for so long but I finally really felt deep inside that I truly let go and it’s like a weight lifted off me, I had to I was so bad that I actually thought of ending my life because of all the pain, but something inside me took over I know that sounds weird but true it was so strange most of his texts disappeared and most of his photos when no other of my texts did, I felt as though it was a sign!!!! I just prey he doesn’t come by my house I can’t wait till I get to that point where I really don’t care what he does, or I could see him and it not effect me but I have to go one day at a time!!! A really hard part for me is the guilt I feel about things that I did but like you said it would have ended up with the same result, also a thing that killed me was how good he’s supposedly doing now but I have to turn that around to myself and have me do better for once!! And now matter how much money or people he has in his life he will never change who he is no matter how much he puts on the mask because it will eventually fall off! He is a shallow monster who hasn’t got the capacity to love... that’s what I have to remember!!! I’m going to a domestic violence support group now so hopefully I can continue this strength!!! Thank u so much you have really helped me by understanding and giving me hope, you made it threw and hopefully so will I!!!!

Hi Distarr,

I hope you're well!

It's interesting that you wrote this ' a thing that killed me was how good he’s supposedly doing now' . the operative word in this sentence being 'supposedly'.. these people are frauds .. plain and simple .. everything with them is 'supposedly' .. they treat everybody within close proximity the same. All the lines he spun you will be the same lines he's spun your predecessor, and the same lines will be presented to all those who will come after you. They are pathological liars .. you can't believe a word that comes out of their mouths (seriously), and they are treating the next woman, and the next and the next .. with the same level of disrespect. Why change a system that is actually working for him! ... right now he does not need your adulation, he's most likely getting it elsewhere, but you are far from off the hook, you are on the back burner incase his latest venture doesn't go to plan. If he shows up, you pretend to be out simple, don't even open the door to him .. and if he persists in pursuing you, ring the police .. reassert your boundaries. They don't change .. no matter how much they might protest otherwise .. or how much you might want them to in your own heart. This is a broken person, broken beyond repair, you can't fix him (at the detriment of your sanity), he doesn't want to be fixed, he wants to dominate, control and manipulate - soulless creatures .. it's hard not to pity them!

You will get there Distarr .. plenty of people don't escape and instead choose to stay in that living hell for 20 years or more .. some even commit suicide .. it's so very sad .. you have chosen life .. just by being here says that deep down you know you are worthy of better ... It sounds like you have stared into the abyss yourself .. you are already in a better place now than when you felt like you couldn't go on anymore (it may not seem that way but really think about it ..!)

Yes I agree with everything you said always you have truly stood where I am standing, I have this thing that I do now when I see his face in my head or something triggers me I think of a chalkboard and erase him or the thoughts of him, I am lucky even though I don’t see it sometimes but I’m lucky I made it out alive you are right about people being there 20 years or more or suicide I have thought about it many times, but that would give him the ultimate satisfaction I do believe.
Today I kept hearing things that he said to me what a truly sick person he really is, and I do have to remember that no matter how good he has it he will always be that soulless monster, and whoever he gets close to will always see it that’s why I can’t understand why one of the mothers of one of his kid says she wants to be friends with him because of their daughter how could you want someone who is that evil in her life? He probably still has control over her and always will I used to be jealous of her in a way now I pity her, he once told me he loved to here guys beg for their life when he was beating the shit out of them, said he wanted to kill me and boil my fingers and eat them and that’s only the beginning...
He once said to me that he’s not a psychopath because he couldn’t love his daughter and my mind wanted to believe him but my gut says it’s only because she’s his possession because I don’t believe he is capable of love in any sense of the word.
I was watching this documentary on this serial killer and everything that they described the killer reminded me of him, he got pleasure from hurting me in every way possible.
Last Monday I finally let go of him, I still don’t want him showing up at my door because I still don’t want to see his face but day by day I am retraining my brain to get his twisted words and behaviors out of my head, I know it’s going to take me a long time but I feel my strength rising, I think I have moved past the guilt he put on me about everything I did wrong when most of the time it was because he was doing fucked up things and started looking from the outside in all the cloudiness is starting to dissipate and I can see how horribly he treated me all the lies that I knew of yet I didn’t want to see all my gut feelings that I just kept overlooking, it’s mind blowing... but it’s day by day minute to minute and right now each day I’m getting a little stronger, I still fight with PTSD and triggers everyday but at least I can go threw days now without crying and I am feeling that this tremendous weigh is lifting I just wish so much I could just be over it and erase him completely from my mind, yet I know that will never fully happen, that’s what hurts a lot is that he will just move on through life while I sit here and drown in such despair, hopefully this was a lesson for me to work on my own inner turmoil because I can’t understand why else God or the universe put him in my life, because I do believe everything happens for a reason, like me finding this site and you, you have giving me strength plus I’m going to that support group for domestic violence and at first I didn’t think it was doing anything but I do now believe it helps, I don’t feel so alone

Wow, reading this post has me in tears right now because you have literally described everything I've been through with a man for the past six years. I recently did my own digging and found out he is still messing around with the woman he supposedly left back in 2016 that I knew nothing about after selling her his house and got his own apartment. I thought things were going well until I started catching him in lie after lie. Apparently I've been grooming him and taking care of him to be a better loving man so he can prove to her that he has changed and has gotten his life together even though she was crazy and didn't take care of her son blah blah blah. He actually dressed up, shaved and cleaned his truck out the other day and left me at his apartment while I did some writing saying he was going to his people house to hang and watch the game and went to spend the day with her and apparently had been with her the night before before coming to be with me, as well as many times before he has left my house and went to hers which I discovered from his timeline on his laptop. Apparently he has been living a double life since 2013 and I was so blinded by it all because he was always at my house. That was it for me, I locked his ass out his own apartment, blocked him and went home. Everything that comes from his mouth is a lie and no matter how much I love him or how good I am to him I know he will never change and I just can't play the fool anymore. Every time I think he has changed for the better he shows me that he hasn't. The sad part is he knows something is wrong with him but he isn't gonna change. He is a narcissistic psychopath that believes his own lies but is a fake and a really good user. ..I pray things get better for you and when they do please share what helped you get though it all because I'm beyond hurt and feeling so empty and tired that I can't even cry no more..

I'm sorry for your pain, now I a!m to the point where I just want to get the fuck over him already!!!! They never do change ever!!! That's why we can never go back!! But then there are the days which I slip, then I start getting really lonely and remembering the toxic high i used to get from him,then I started remembering how I felt, when there was such a hollow
in the pit of my stomach , yet I sat right next to him I never want to go back to feeling those feelings.... I have been through so much horrible stuff as i m sure everyone in this site has, I remember sitting next to him feeling so sick to stomach because I knew I shouldn't be with him I felt as soon. I met him he "wasn't right ' yet I still was wth him for all different reasons, and it's taking quite sometime to be able to not feel guilty which make no sense whats so ever, I have read that is 'normal' but it doesn't feel very norma!
and no one will ever understand unless you have been here.... I have been told by friends and family that why did you stay, why didn't you just leave, you must like it, I think there was a point where it became so 'normal' in that sick,crazy,never ending drama with mostly lies and then he turned it around to bla!e me!!!! Saying all the things that he is projecting onto me, I would go insane trying to convince him that what he was saying was not true ( he used always think I was cheating on him) which most likely he was cheating on me for God knows how long, I never caught him yet again my gut tells me....... so to let you know how I take care of that is i journal A LOT ,but make sure no one can see them my ex took all my mine and stold them and kept some and used them against me my thoughts crazy!!! The rest he tore up all of my memories gone, he thought i was keeping facts to use against him( I guess his ex did, she did have a restraining order..... I exercise in some way I know everything says to exercise but it does help if only for a moment , yoga is great as well .. , even though thoughts of him still cloud
my mind but there are stretches of time where I won't even think of him at all, then I will get triggered so I will just talk myself threw it ...... The only support I get is that am going to a domestic violence
support group, I also have a support group that is over the phone\on line twice a week
I have triggers everyday it all how we handle them that is the answer
I hoped some of this helped you,I'm sure in time we will both be fine and free, I can't wait till the point where it doesn't affect me!
ill be 3 months no contact on the 15th, last time I saw him and was with him was the day after valentines day I knew with 100/percentage t of my being I am so done of being treated like this I can't do it anymore I was sick of being sick and crazy I'm done I am fighting for myself against this 'thing' he is purl evil so I don't like to even call hi a person.. I have to be patient that hard for me is the hardest when does it ever stop? Dont think I will ever be the same person I was yet i will become stronger he is really not worth me even thinking of him he's really a sick individual and I am lucky to be away!!! Best of luck to you

Good job on no contact, I failed by texting while crying getting my feelings out today. The longest we've gone without speaking only last about a month but this time I just cant do it anymore. I keep bumping my head against the same wall and I'm tired. My hair is falling out, I keep going up and down with my weight and I just feel empty inside because I've given him everything and his life became mine as well as his fiends. I don't even have friends anymore. He will go silent on me and act as though I did something to him and I need to be punished. But when he needs me I'm right back out there as if nothing happened. I just want to be happy again because I'm tired of people telling me how sad I look. I use to be so bubbly all the time, outgoing and full of life but not anymore. I sit in the house for days at a time depressed and confused. Stay strong and stay positive because if he really wants to contact you he will come full force and I know that for certain. We have to learn to put our feet down and not allow the b.s. no matter how charming they are. I pray everything works out for the best for you!

Thank you it’s a struggle everyday, but honestly the only way to save yourself is to get away, I’m sure that’s what he is doing to me is punishing me for blowing him off at the red light, ( he thinks it’s punishment but it’s actually such a good thing, it is giving me time to heal) it was so empowering yet the next few days I felt guilty because that’s is how our brains have been conditioned, I just talked to another counselor to go see next week, this is an addiction I have to break plus retraining my brain to diffuse everything he has said and done, like you I used to be bubbly have friends have pets, ect... I lost it all because of him but I have to go to the root of why I stayed I think it had to do with deep seeded self hatred that I am overcoming, I always questioned why he was brought into my life I used to think why am I such a bad person but the reality is that it needed to teach me how to dig deep and find my true self and get out of all the denial I was in with him and myself... I know he will be back eventually I just hope I am strong at that moment, I am getting stronger I can feel it within but some days are definitely better than others, don’t waste your life with him there is no good that is going to come out of it only bad, they never change and whoever they are with they will eventually treat the same exact way, I don’t want to feel like that anymore, I’m sick of wondering what he’s doing, who he’s with, scared of pissing him off just by questioning him because at anytime I know he can freak out and I’m in danger why put myself through that? For someone who is not capable of loving me back? Why do I want to do everything and anything for him only to be called names and degraded and lied too over and over again...,, please get away from him for good it’s the only way because without a doubt it will eventually happen anyway

@distarr Thank you for your post!! I'm going to do all I can to stay away from him because he knows how I feel about him and know how to get me to let him in. He is blocked and I'm actually considering moving and changing my phone number. My voicemail is full of sweet and angry messages but I'm not giving in to the nonsense. He is a free man and can do whatever he please with who ever he wants, just not with me! I haven't left the house in four days because this has taken a helluva toll on me but I know eventually I will be okay. I've always taken care of myself and without the burden of taking care of him should make things quite easier. I keep telling myself one day at a time because this time I can not go back. I can not continue to kill who I am to satisfy who he thinks he is. I pray you have a blessed day and thank you again because I really needed this..

Hi Distarr ... I hope you're well!

Following on from your messages above - I've been on holiday for a week in the remote Somerset wilderness and am catching up now - suicide is definitely not the answer, I've stared into the abyss myself once or twice but it was more from desperation from the thought of never being free of him and his madness, than actually wanting to die. It was that living on a knife's edge that drove me to despair ... It would have been tragic anyway... as he totally was not worth it .. !

The mother of one of his children is perhaps what is referred to as a flying monkey, a term in psychology derived from the Wizard of Oz, and denoting a third party who does their bidding (usually via some form of manipulation). You are made out to be the bad guy, rest assured, he will be telling people that you are crazy, you are this and that .. and he may have been saying it for quite a while. Beware of people that plead his case, or in some way make excuses for the horrible things he has done. Keep your own counsel and shut down any person who feels the need to update you on his progress in life /whereabouts etc .. none of that is relevant to your life anymore .. you need to make this clear, or think about removing those people from your sphere completely!

It's great to hear that the fog is starting to lift a little .. it's a painful process, so many things that you have denied to yourself, will rise to the surface again, and you will have to confront them this time instead of hiding from them. You need to be strong and seek out the support of your true friends or family members if possible. Keep talking to people who have been through the same nightmare. It's a shame that this site is not as active as it used to be, it seems to have split off into umpteen different forums now.

All psychopaths talk the big man bravado bullshit, but very few actually act out that fantasy .. it feeds their egotistical sense of self but in reality this is a person who gets off on hurting and controlling women, from beating someone less able to fight back .. which makes them (the psychopath) nothing short of a coward in reality! A spineless piece of s**t no less!

You must take some responsibility for the nonsense you allowed into your life, you could say that he has been sent to teach you that not all people in this life are good at heart. It's a naive notion that everyone has some good in them .. buddhists especially believe this - which is a lovely thought .. but it's definitely not the case in reality. These people have hearts as black as coal, they are takers and users, physical and emotional abusers, manipulators, liars, and cheats, their inner light is well and truly burnt out, and you have just found this out the hard way!
But from this experience you will be given the gift of enlightenment, the ability to side step toxic people will be yours. You will stop hurting as you grow stronger, and the length of time spent thinking about him and his chaos will get longer and longer. It won't be the first thing you think about when you open your eyes or the last thing at night .. his power over you will be gone!

You feel alone because your head is so full of him and his antics, that you forget to focus on yourself. You lose yourself in the chaos, and every moment is taken up by some kind of drama or bullshit caused by him. Then suddenly hes gone .. and you've completely forgotten who you really are .. the things you liked to do before he brought disorder to your life. Look at the kinds of things he says to you (the nut-job), in the months to come you will realise that you need to run a bloody mile at the mere mention of his name.

Hi MuchWiserNow

Wow!! that sounds great must have been so nice to get away!
Theses past days have been really rough, my work has been really slow so it has giving me time just to sit and think I go from horrible sadness to anger about him, to utterly disgust, all while trying to work, I deal with the public so I have to wear this mask only for my job I thought about it he wears that mask to live to be around people because he is so soulless, yes you completely said it perfect about the third party that’s what she is and he used her at times for triangulation, he once called her and told her I didn’t want him buying his daughter a dress which was absolutely ridiculous but she believed him so I guess she left me this horrible message I didn’t listen too it because I know I would have been triggered and nothing good would have came out of it but I did call her and it ended up back firing on him because her and I got along she told me that he had thrown his ex before her down the stairs, and slapped her in the mouth breaking her tooth and she asked me did he chock you out too... .
I have been wanting to get a kitten or a puppy and the kitten is triggering me to him killing my cat ( he says he opened the door and scared her and she ran away) even if he did she was an indoor cat who never went outside, but deep down I think he killed her that was a weight I just could not deal with so now all those feelings are coming up to the surface I just have to tell myself there was nothing I could have done, I wasn’t home, what I can’t believe is that I stayed with him you don’t know how bad that kills me, ahhhh here I go again talking about the past
When is it ever going to end..... I’m starting another therapist Monday I go and meet her she works in domestic violence theapy, I already see one but she doesn’t specialize in psychopaths and hopefully this new one will have the knowledge I need to get me through this, the ladies at the other group keep telling me it’s a good idea to get a restraining order which I never did because I know he would have killed me, now he has to much to lose then he had nothing when he was with me.
Anyways for the past year it has been nothing really but sleeping together, because he is with someone else ( he said he wasn’t anymore but I know he was just lying) I tried and pretend I could handle just sleeping with him but I couldn’t with everything that has happened between us... but I know he won’t be violent unless everything falls apart on him, my gut feeling tells me he will be back around but this time I will be strong I don’t want to see him ever again, I just wish I could bottle up all this pain and throw it away, far far away.... I really hate somedays can be so good then the next I’m crying uncontrollably, ah this rollar coaster ride I can’t get off of....
Thanks for checking in I always love to hear from you because your words are always so inspiring and true and I know I have said this to you a lot but from my heart it’s so cool to know you know EXACTLY what I’m feeling and going through that means so much when most the rest of the world have no clue

Hi Sweets81

I hope you are staying strong, I am very proud of you!!
Yes one day at a time, as you can see from my last post I have good and bad days yet I know without a doubt I can never unblock him again, I can never answer the door ever!!!!
I am not ever going back to that piece of shit ever!!
He had hurt me like no one else ever did in my life, and believe me when I tell you I have been hurt quite often
I have to stand up for myself, all this trauma I suffer with daily is because of him I am finally to the point of stopping myself when I think of him what I can’t stop is the pain, so much pain it’s aches at times, but I have to remind myself of those horrible feelings that I felt when I was with him, I don’t want to ever feel that again, so you and I will go on this journey we need to get back to how we were before them, feel the pain and sadness and anger because you can’t make it go away I have learned you have to let it out one day you and I will be over this and look back and say wtf was I thinking... I can’t wait to get to that point, we can do it!!!

Sweets81 I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you have been through this dire experience too!

If it's possible to relocate then that might be a good idea, even if it is only on a temporary basis, and I wouldn't consider changing your number - I'd actually do it! Steer clear of any music, movies or books that remind you of him, Shared songs especially can be the worst kind of trigger .. put them into a box and store them somewhere out of eyes view. If they come on the radio then switch it off if possible.

Ah the sweet and angry messages .. the constant changing of approach to get a reaction, any reaction .. like a vampire trying to prey on your energy .. feeling around for your trigger buttons ... if you take a step back and really look at the crazy making in these messages ... you should get a pretty clear image of the sheer twistedness going on inside their minds.