I find much in common with you. I've said many of the same or similar things. I suppose that what keeps me going is that I feel so cheated and need to get some happiness even if it's nowhere to be found. Also I have a spiritual side which has a really horrible aspect. That is that I can't rule out that I am possessed by a real demon and that the demon has informed me that my suffering will be much greater in my eternity. That now my present lifetime is my holiday so to speak. So why shorten my holiday? Yes I know that is very crazy. I wish I could rule it out. I will gladly communicate with you here in posting or messaging if you'd like in the hopes that we could each resolve our torment and be happy. So think about it and pleeeeeese let me know.

Hi ExTAlone,

Thanks for sharing that you are going through a lot of the same things. I'm sorry that you have a demon telling you that things are only going to get worse. Just remember that demons lie and manipulate, so even if the demon always said it, doesn't mean it's true.

I'm happy to message with you if you don't mind me being open about my SH and thoughts. I do try to keep a filter on when I write for the boards because I don't want to cause anyone undo distress.

I'm going to get a bit philosophical.

What is the value of life?

Is a life more valuable because it looks pretty? Has more stuff? Makes better baked chicken? Does the laundry better? Cleans the floor better? Makes more cars?

Some parts of our society say yes. You'll get paid more for making 10 shirts, than for making only one (if the shirts are identical). People often want to date partners that are cute, handsome, etc.

But is any of that make you more valuable as a person?

I have long flat out told my kids how to "keep safe" in this world. But EVERY time that I did, I also told them that if they ignored every single thing I said, were kidnapped, forced into prostitution. Forced to take pictures. Forced to hurt another child....

That their value to me would remain unchanged.

I have ZERO value for virginity. I have no more value for that, than for the value if they'd never picked up a pencil, or shaken hands with someone. My daughter isn't her vagina. My son isn't his penis. Their value to me lies so much deeper than that. It wasn't created, it can't be destroyed. I'm atheist and do not believe in an afterlife, but their value to me will outlast my life and theirs. It simply IS.

I've had countless parents say that they can't believe that I had such discussions with my kids when they were 5-6-7. But I wanted my message deep within their hearts long before anyone else got there. I could never have guessed that their step mother would kill herself when they were 10 and 12, but it happened.

You ask how I find the will to pick myself up off of the floor. Well part of it is my beliefs. I'm atheist. So THIS is it. This is what it's about. There is no tomorrow, so I have to make today count. I can never be "broken" because my value doesn't lie in being "whole".

Oddly enough I "recovered", mostly as an f-you to the world. IF today was it...why not do what I wanted on my last day on Earth? Have that tea, eat that cake, look at that tree. I have this concept that "the best part of life is the thinnest slice".

Back when I was Christian, I used to sing the song that it came from as a song to God. IDK, maybe it will help. (The person that "can't fool me" being I can't fool God.)....Now I sing the song to my kids (and no, they can't fool me, even when they're hurt, angry, swearing, hurt, broken, suspended from school. I know the person that they are.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NATEY22tRs

Patti I love your philosophy. Funny that I grew up as an atheist and became spiritual. But it's completely my own ideas and depends on science. Anyway I wish we could all sit in a room and talk. I still wonder... The question is why live? Why die? I always feel like there is always one more reason to not die than to die. Dancingstrong, with a name like that I feel like you want to live. So finding out what s interfering with that should help with figuring out a course of action. For me partly anyway that is why I consider science and spirituality as very real things in Accord with each other and those that live.

Hey, Im really sorry that your feeling this way.
In the past, Ive felt like life was unfair and living for others was only making it more unfair. Dont get me wrong, some of my struggles I got through for other people. But now Im on my own, and struggling for me. I dont know what it is that has pulled me through these past couple weeks of homelessness without going to the hospital - maybe its survival mode? Idk.

Im rambling, sorry.

Anyway...
My point is you do have value, everyone does. Sometimes the hardest person to be gentle to is yourself. But therein lies the true strength.

Take small steps. Do things that make you happy, or at least dont make you feel worse. Small self soothing steps.

Thanks everyone. I'm so low this evening. I can't sleep and my mind has wandered to ways I could kill myself. I don't want to die, but for some reason I really want to try. To overdose and then promptly call a friend to drive me to the hospital, or something like that.

You are right, I'm pretty strong and I'm a fighter. At this point it may just be an F-you to the world that keeps me going. But my energy is flagging. I don't know how long I can keep up this fight.


How odd I think that 3 years ago I threw my whole being into surviving my trauma. I fought so hard to be alive then, and now I wish I could die and be spared any further misery. I don't think it works that way though. I tell myself I will be stronger for getting through this, but how do you know that life is not a Pyrrhic victory?

I'll keep your well wishes close to my heart.

It's good to have you back, Dance! So sorry for what you've been through lately. When I decided to go from my own PTSD therapy to be a hospital chaplain at an ER in Chicago, I faced that issue of how helpful I could be to others while helping myself. In my training they referenced the rules of emergencies on airplanes. When those masks drop from the compartment above passengers' seats, instructions call for us to put on our own mask first before helping anybody else with theirs. If we don't, we'll pass out and we won't be able to help anybody.

I always remembered that and tried to apply it to my own PTSD management and balancing that with the trauma patients I served as hospital chaplain at our ER's door. It's not easy. It gets so hard we just want to die. In my own life I've taken that as the sign I need that says that I deserve a break from all responsibility to others for a time to focus on a re-start for myself. There's nothing wrong with that. Glad you're back with us to do it here, you've got our support, that's for sure.

Welcome back and big hug for you Dance......

I have taken suicide off of the table so it's a non option for me..... I've had to do this really consciously because over the years I have had a lot of suicidal thoughts

So I talk to myself about symptoms of the illness etc...... I become really aware when I'm feeling like this..... If I start to have serious planning swirling around I know that I have to see my or a doctor

I also believe that a thought can be just a thought not an action

Good for you for all that you've done to try and help yourself sweetie..... This will become part of the past again for you..... Depression/PTSD is a treatable disorder please hang onto that

One of my best tools is gratitude..... I think of 5 things to be grateful for everyday and they're always there..... Maybe the sun is shining or you had a nice cup of coffee..... The more grateful I feel the less hopelessness has a hold

Another hug and a blessing......xo

You are a strong person and so are valuable! HUGS!

Thanks all.
Another 2 mos has passed. I haven't been on since, so the last few messages popped up as soon as I logged in.

I just moved to a new city, a new state and region actually, 4 days ago for grad school.

My roommate's TV woke me up and promptly set off a wave of flashbacks. Sensations came back in a way I haven't felt in a long time.

Last week I'd finished up group therapy. I had been doing 6-8 hours of therapy 4 days a week for a month. I was/ am ready to leave that level of intensity. This week though, with moving to a new city, I haven't been able to get any therapy appointment until sometime next week. Along with the flashbacks the SI is returning slowly. I have more power over it this time. I know I am stronger than my fears this time.

But I feel alone, afraid and on my own. It's time to come back into the DS community a bit. If you don't hear from me again for a few days, send me a message reminder to touch base, if you want to.

I'm trying to start EMDR therapy next week or the week after. I have an appt on the books, so that's a start.

Thanks again! I always welcome your warmth and encouragement.

Welcome back again.

Yes, welcome back again, dance. Years ago I, too, moved to another state for grad school. Congratulations for having the moxie to do this! Glad you reached out to us for support in taking this step. I have decisions I regret in life, to be sure, but not that one. It's smart to acknowledge your fears, but as you say, you are indeed stronger than they are.

This is my girlfriends story. Itll make sense later, so just bare with me. She lived in an abusive household. Her mother walked out on her and her father and her as a toddler. Her father made angel (her name) the blame of it. Her father physically, mentally and after a while sexually abused her. I found her in the woods with a gun to her head. I put the gun to my chest and told her to shoot me. (At the time she was a complete stranger to me fyi) she couldn't. She said my life was too precious. I told her hers was too. She didn't believe me. Obviously suicidal people aren't in the right mind at that moment. I had her drop the gun and I took it, say her down and asked about all the good things that's happened to her. After I got to know her, I would tell her how much her light means to me. She lived for herself and me once we started dating in hopes that we'd graduate highschool and move in together. We planned our future together. Unfortunately our plans took a screeching halt when I found a letter where I found her the first time. She was gang raped by her father and his friends. She drowned. Killed herself. So I say find something to hold on to. Be it a pet, a friend, at least until your brain is back and functioning properly then find something you enjoy (i.e exercise, skateboarding) sorry for the rant and angel but it hopefully made sense. Probably wasn't necessary but.... Yeah. Anyway
-l

Wow Cry,
I am so sorry to hear that. I hope you keep the things that bring you joy close to your heart too. Much love and compassion for what you and your girlfriend have been through.