sort of strange but.. I want to start off my post by saying that I love you. reading your story i felt so normal, though its terrifying how common our form of assault is its hard not to feel absurdly alone in your experience. i guess thats my prison, the loneliness of the memories, as hazy as the memories can be. no matter how many friends family members and mental health professionals i share my story with its still only me and my abuser in the memory. i’m okay with that though, most of the time I am able to accept it.
the most common prison i enter because of my PTSD is the swampy land of disassociation. total murky hell.
have you seen the movie Get Out? The concept of “the sunken place” is a good representation of how i feel improsoned by disassociation especially in social situations.

also, i think there are so many ways to be women. I can imagine its hard to find beauty in your feminine after rejecting the weak and frail depiction of female commonly sold to us through cataloques and commercials and sitcoms and uuuuhg its everywhere

i love you thank you for sharing your story. reading yrs inspired me to sign up for this support site.

Hello FilmGirl. Welcome to the forum. I wouldn't wish this understanding on anybody, but you are definitely not alone.

Feeling like a prisoner of my condition hasn't been so much of a problem since I quit fighting and denying ^it^. When I am fighting ^it^ all the wrong people, including myself, keep getting all the black eyes. When I am in denial, my symptoms have plenty of room to take over and get stronger in the closed corners of my psyche.

Accepting ^it^ as a fact of my life puts it in league of living with diabetes. Yea, I gotta deal with it every day and there is always something else to learn, but with care, a long, interesting and productive life is quite attainable.

Hi. Thank you so much for commenting on my post. And I'm honored that I was able to help you in some way (deciding to sign up for the website). I just joined today as well and so far I think it's a great thing.

Also, thank you very much for sharing your story. I know it can't be easy to open up about your personal traumas, but I appreciate you sharing your emotional and mental experiences with me. And I love you too.

As for the prison... I have to say using the sunken place is the best way to explain disassociation. I never thought of it before, but it's perfect. And I would wholeheartedly agree with you. Disassociation can be the worst thing ever - especially when people notice it, and they keep pestering you about it but you can't even bring words to your lips. Or you can't even wrap your head around what's happening. Are you having an episode? Is danger nearby? Or are you just so uncomfortable with the situation that you shut down? And sometimes those are the hardest questions to answer.

I'm also glad that by both of us sharing our stories, we both know we're not alone. And, just to put it out there, no matter how alone you may feel, even with the support of friends and family, as someone who can share many of the same feelings, know you're never really alone. You can always talk to me if you ever need it. And, obviously, you can share your feelings with this group.

I also have to say thank you for validating my struggle with femininity. I really appreciate your words. And you're right; there are many ways to be a woman. However, I don't think I've found one that I'm quite comfortable with yet. You know? And, because my trauma occurred during childhood, I feel far behind my peers - not emotionally, honestly, I think I'm far more emotionally mature than my peers - I just feel like I don't know myself yet. Or, at least, I don't know myself anymore. You see, before PTSD reared its ugly head for me, I was a very comfortable, confident, outgoing, silly, popular person. And then during my senior year of high school I was hit with the tsunami of flashbacks, anxiety attacks, disassociation, etc. and ever since, I haven't been able to find that person again. And that's where the whole femininity makes it difficult to redefine myself. What does "woman" mean to me and how do I own that title?

Thank you again for sharing your kind words with me. I greatly appreciate it. Also, out of curiosity, do you suffer from repressed memory as well?

Arfie,

Thank you for the warm welcome. And I agree, I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy. I'm glad to hear that you were able to accept it and live with it. That sounds like a very large, difficult step to make. As someone who hasn't been able to accept it yet, who still swallows it, trying to ignore it, how do you learn to live with it? Because it can be such a debilitating thing. How were you able to make the switch from being the victim of it to being like roommates with it?

Thanks so much for putting those words out there. I kept reading like “yes, do you have some kind of magic pill that will cure me?”

Yes to all of it. I’m sorry for your trauma. I can relate. Instead of hating feminine things I hate masculinity. Men are evil, can’t be trusted, don’t look at them, they’re all liars and fakes. I somehow made a good friend for was a man and after several years of dating, I married him. Not a few months later the rug was pulled out from under me. He lied about so many things, while we were dating, while we were engaged, while we’ve been married. I missed so many signs and often feel remorse for neglecting my strong headedness, for “falling for him.” It feels like that’s exactly it, I fell for it - because my own past blinded me. It feels like such a mess. We look like this beautiful happy family and people actually ask if we want more kids - two is enough. Our relationship status has officially moved to “its complicated,” we just aren’t the type to give up. So yes, I can relate. It feels like it’s ruinned and is ruining my entire life. We aren’t defined by the things that happen to us. That’s what they all say. But look at my life. I had no idea so many of these quirks about me aren’t quirks at all, that my ability to manage symptoms is minimal I’m comparison to what it needs to be. I wish I could hug you. We are cut from the same cloth friend. It may not feel like it but it’s a beautiful cloth. You are beautiful..

FilmGirl, after getting through a certain amount of therapy I decided to go beyond being a victim with my PTSD by helping trauma patients just after the event. I didn't want to go to medical school and I didn't want to be a psychologist. The choice for me was that I went to seminary, then did a couple of clinical internships and a residency year and became an ER hospital chaplain.

It took me from victim to survivor to thriver since it was still about my own PTSD, but also about trauma in general, extending it beyond myself. Plus, it brought me a paycheck and an interesting life, since I was at a hospital in Chicago. I wasn't a thriver every day, and sometimes I got triggered back to feeling like a victim, but I kept going through the victim-survivor-thriver process over and over and it felt good.

Kidney disease ended that after 10 years, though, so now for 7 years from my hospital experience I've taught death and dying courses to nursing students. Once again, though, I can use that with my own PTSD while also doing more than that. The classic 5 stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, so teaching about them as related to death and dying parallels my own ongoing process of coming to acceptance with my own PTSD, too.

I'm diabetic, which is chronic and not curable, as arfie says, and my chronic kidney disease isn't curable, either, so they match my PTSD as it is also chronic and not curable. For me, it's just life itself that's chronic and not curable, after all--which is eventually true for all of us mortals, isn't it?

Hello and welcome

Do I feel like a prisoner to my cPTSD? Yes.
Do I make new psychological discoveries about myself? Yes.
Do I feel uncomfortable in my skin because of cPTSD? Yes.
You're definitely not alone and you're not crazy.

I still have a long way to go to achieve the kind of acceptance arfie and muji mentioned (thanks for being a role model to me, both of you) but I'm working on it. What happened is part of my life. The consequences are part of my life. This is my life and I want to live it.

I struggled with being a woman, too. I thought as a man I'd be less defenseless. It was an illogical belief because like you, I'm a survivor of sexual child abuse. A boy in the same situation would have been just as defenseless as the girl I was.

The following are my thoughts and opinions and I express them with all respect to everyone else's opinions:
I once got asked to define what a man is and what a woman is. I had no answer. In the end I decided that "no answer" was exactly the answer I had. Just as an example for all the stereotypes out there: "Men are tough, women are gentle." Does that mean a gentle man is not masculine? A tough woman is not feminine? Who am I to define this? I'm a woman, married to a man. We both have tough and gentle sides. Man, woman, transgender, agender, intersexual... we're all human beings, all with individual strengths and weaknesses. I will argue against any discriminating stereotypes ("strong/weak") any time, but apart from that, I leave all such definitions aside. Just my opinion.

Wish you to find the way that works for you.

I remember when I started getting breast I was so terrified that it would make me more vulnerable to male predators. I resented them and prayed they would "stop growing." I wanted desperately to fly under the radar and not be "girlie" in any way. I hated pink and all things feminine. Maybe this is common? Perhaps we should start looking at our girls that dress masculine as potential survivors??

Later as I got older I used my sexuality to control men and try and get my power back but not in a healthy way. I am in my 50s now and I chose not to be in a sexual relationship of any kind. For me, this is the most comfortable way to live. Sometimes the trama runs too deep and makes having relationships a mind field. That is how it has been for me but not for everyone.

Anyway, my point is you are far from alone. I think early trauma literally builds your character and changing how it affected you is a life time's worth of work. Ugh...I don't know about you guys but I am sick of the whole process and that is one of the reasons I just avoid partnerships now. I am no good at it, I think I might have been if I had not been messed up so badly.

So in closing, to answer your question- Yes, I do think it is because of your abuse that you made so many of the choices you made and continue to make. I think it is something we manage but never completely heal from. You can be healthy but not healed...know what I mean? Good luck in your path toward health and well being. xo

Filmgirl, thank you for making me not feel alone. There are times I definitely feel frustrated and trapped because of my cPTSD and past trauma. My sexual abuse started at 6 and I also have gaps and don’t know when officially ended. Physical and emotional abuse go back as far as I can remember. Even this week I was feeling angry that my past contributed to years of spousal abuse. I especially want to thank you for sharing your frustrations over dislike of signs of feminism in yourself and being a heterosexual woman. At times it makes me feel alone and doomed in love and hate myself. I really want you to know you are not alone as well.

I just have to say thank you to all of you for sharing your kind words, your stories, and experiences. They were all very beneficial to read. As I mentioned to Arfie, I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy. However, I am relieved to know that I am not alone, especially with the whole femininity issue. I always felt that, because that issue was never mentioned in any definition, or on any website about PTSD, that I was crazy, overthinking my own trauma, etc. But knowing that I'm not alone in this matter makes me feel much better so thank you to all of you. I'd also like to reply to each of you for a moment.

MammaBear02, I am very sorry to hear about the difficulty of your relationship. I can't imagine how betrayed you must have felt when you learned the truth. I'm proud of you for not giving up on your relationship, though I'm positive it can't be easy. It shows a great deal of your character for being brave enough and strong enough to continue the relationship and try to build off of the devastation. I applaud you for it. I wish I could hug you as well. And, seeing all the beautiful people who have commented on this post, I would agree with you, it is a beautiful cloth, despite it being cut in such a dark and devastating way.

Mujicaptsd, Firstly, I would like to say that I am very sorry to hear about your diabetes as well as kidney disease. I can't imagine how difficult that must make everything. But you're right, PTSD, just like your diabetes and kidney disease is chronic and non-curable. I don't think I've ever realized that before. I think this whole time I have become very good at faking it; telling everyone I'm fine when I'm really not. And then I get frustrated with myself that I'm not "over it" yet. But that's the whole point of PTSD, right? The disease itself prevents you from getting over your trauma. It's chronic and non-curable. Putting it that way makes me feel a bit better about it. Also, I'm very glad you were able to find a way to go from victim to survivor to thriver. I'm also very glad you were able to be there to help others, that's a very noble and honorable thing to do and it's wonderful that you found solace and peace in that work (despite it being altered by the kidney disease). I wish to find that kind of solace and peace in something. I've always enjoyed writing, but ever since my PTSD showed itself, I have a very difficult time writing about anything other than the trauma, and I have an even harder time showing anyone my work. So hopefully I'll be able to find the same kind of peace you have. Also, to tie in the grieving process, sometimes it feels like I'm stuck at denial, anger, and depression and it feels like I can never just move on to acceptance. Is there a way you would recommend?

Beatha, I have to say that your definition of what is man and what is woman is perfect. "No answer' is perhaps the best answer I have ever heard to that question. Because you're right, it is for every individual to define for themselves. Some women may be strong (like Wonder Woman who I so desperately admire) whereas some men may be more sensitive and fragile. It is up to no one but that individual to define their own masculinity or femininity. And obviously that's not an easy thing to do, especially if you're like you and me, both child sexual abuse survivors. Anyway, clearly I have a long way to go before I can define my own femininity to myself but I greatly appreciate your post and your opinion. I couldn't agree with you more.

Khadi, you hit the nail right on the head with how I have always felt about my own femininity. Growing up, I felt the exact same way about my breasts. My mom would take me bra shopping and I would become so uncomfortable, I'd nearly break down into tears. I would always wear baggy T-Shirts and sports bras in order to hide them (I still do). I have always wanted to shave my head mainly to challenge society's image of beauty, but also as a way to protect myself, no one can attack me by pulling my hair if I don't have any... It's tragic that that becomes part of the mindset, but it really does play a factor. And I agree with you, early trauma definitely builds your character. I honestly think that's the best way to describe how I feel. Because that happened when I was young, it has effected me ever since and it's not something that is ever really going to go away. I also tried to get my power back through my sexuality. In my freshman year of college I thought because I was free from childhood, I was suddenly free from that trauma. I was wrong. By going out and trying to reclaim my power through sexuality, I only put myself in more danger, and thus became a victim of even more sexual abuse. I read on a page the other day that some people who experienced sexual abuse as children will often have too many or unsafe sexual partners. I think that's a fascinating avenue to look into. Anyway, I am very happy for you for finding a way of living that makes you most comfortable. And thank you very much for sharing your story with me. It's been very helpful.

I am so thankful that I found this website and decided to join because this is such a wonderful group of supportive, loving people and I am just very grateful for all of you. Thank you for all of your kind words and stories, and, most importantly, thank you all for helping me realize that I am not alone. That's been the most terrifying thing, thinking that I've been alone all this time. Now I know I am not. Thank you.

Thank you Kat1976 for sharing your story. I'm very sorry to hear about all the years of abuse you've had to experience. That is just tragic. But at least you know you're not alone in the childhood abuse, as well as difficulties with femininity. Thank you for sharing and thank you for your kind words. I'm glad we both know we're not alone anymore.

In my own struggle for a personal gender identity, I've come to hate the cultural quest for gender distinction. How on earth can we summarize the human species under two singular identities? Humans are more complex than that.

But, on the subject of finding peaceful acceptance with memories of my child sex trafficking herstory and the resulting mental health conditions. . .

I find myself shocked to think of *them* as "roommates," but I can't think of any good argument against the analogy, either. *They* are not a continual presence, but ya never can tell when they'll show up with their messy habits, rowdy parties and unreasonable demands.

The peaceful co-existence was a long time in the making and continues to be a challenge at times. You are actually working the first step in the process I used with this very post. My trauma tales aren't likely to ever be my favorite topic of conversation, but it is important to be able to confront a reminder/trigger without turning into an emotional basket case and to have the vocabulary to sort through the mess.

Taking ^it^ one step at a time was/is important for my own recovery, as is being patient with the process. The extreme discomfort typically urges me to seek a fast and complete solution. That quest keeps landing me in bigger messes than I started with. Taking my recovery in small, manageable steps keeps my progress steady without the skids and crashes of rushing. Easy does it, ESPECIALLY when ^it^ is moving at mind-ripping speeds.

but that is me. . .

Gentle support while you sort your own. Healing hopes.

Yes, I have felt like a prisoner before too! How, I hated it, I knew I had to do something if I wanted out of this prison. I had to find the courage way down with in to come out of this pit. (I learned that I started using it as a crutch for me. For people to feel sorry for me.) I was extremely quiet/ shy person. Years down the road, I realized, I was only making myself worse by only thinking about myself. As you, I had no remembrance of certain parts of my life, I started making up my own thoughts to fill in those gaps of my life. Then I realized, I needed to do something with my life instead of sitting around and doing my same old routine day after day. I finally decided to start volunteering.Once I started helping others I noticed that I was helping myself. My depression started disappearing bit by bit. I started living life and helping others who were struggling. I loved it, because it had given me purpose back into my life.

Welcome to the board FilmGirl...... This is a really great group..... I am so sorry to read what you've gone through but I'm glad that you've found us...... Big hug.....xo

The posts in this thread remind me of an analogy I often think of. I think it odd that the things that affect us most deeply, negative or positive, are so common – abuse, having a baby, living with PTSD, loving someone. All of these things we experience at such a deep, personal level are actually happening to others all around us. How can something so personal be so universal?

Muji, I really love the way you have handled your PTSD. You’ve used your suffering for good. It has certainly been used to comfort many people in all those years and that good work has been instrumental in your own healing. I want to use my suffering in the same way.