You definitely have obstacles to surmount.

You'll need to be in a very safe place, with some conditioned relaxaton and visualization tools, plus perhaps some rather strong medication to help you cope, during therapy.

But, if I may, I'd like to encourage you to find the best Trauma Therapist you can find and surrender to the kind of care you need, to help you get through these obstacles.

EMDR may be a very key form of therapy for you.

I'm sorry these crimes happened to you; they continue to happen, I am sure, in your stream of thought. I wish I could pluck it away from you...unfortunately, it's not that easy.

Thanks for the input....I am sure I will make it. I've made it this far and surmounted giving justice to my dad's death (was told it wasn't possible for me to get to the mines as it no longer exists, but found it anyway!) and am determined that no one is going to run my life by controlling through fear, whether it is past or currently in my mind's eye. If my will and my mind are this determined, I can only have one outcome....SUCCESS. Not saying I won't have my moments, but "Fruit Loop" took enough, he can't have any more. Thanks again for the info & ideas.

OH my God it is, run and hide for the first year I could not go outside .. really ,, I was beaten so bad it was horrible, then the only way I could was to go to the police and tell them....and what did they do. NOTHING.. going outside with a bathing suit on .. took years but now .. I don't care! I have control of my anger, I fantasize about killing my exhusband .... I truly do but will I do it.. NO... When I think of what they got away with ... its horrible....

The good thing is.... I know that I would never hurt anyone .. but I am not responsible for other people's behavior.. now am I?LOL

In a book a read its says PTSD make's you cold...you have no feelings for anyone or anything. For me that's not true. I feel things - concern for the children, our most priceless gift the innocence of a child... Something that one man allowed my son's innocence to be taken a cop .. he did nothing.. to keep us safe...

FLASHBACK's dont happen anymore... and well I am not lookin to get married again , a quite descrete sexual relationship may work.. but my heart will belong only to one --- no feelings....can I have a sexual relationship with no feelings.. Patrick was a rapist... I thought he was my friend he wasn't..


This guy kisses great.... wow ... but my heart belongs to another .. the good thing he is not asking for a relationship... can I do this and not feel bad????? for his family????? Sober???? THAT IS THE question.. physically 6.5 years is too long...

KEEP itSIMPLE STUPID...LOL...

You may have substituted flashbacks with fantasies.

While that, if it's true, may give you a feeling of control and power...it still hasn't addressed your keys issues of internalized shame and rage.

DONAMARIE - Sounds like to me you may still be practicing a form of denial....and believe me, I'm the Queen at that so I work hard NOT to do that but face things head on and straight up.

That being said, the entire point of sex is to connect heart, mind, and soul with another person. If you are only acting with your body, that isn't good for you or the other person. There is no way to have sex without someone getting hurt. I mean, let's look at prostitutes....sex & no attachment/feelings...guess what, they end up using drugs or alcohol or both to numb the feeling of being used. You don't need that monkey on your back.

As for the "justice system" the term is an oxymoron. There is the legal system and it is filled with loop holes that can be wiggled thru.

However, there is no escape from life giving you back what you have put into it. Your perp will pay...and given time, you will see the payback. I know I did with my perp. He paid way over what the legal system could inflict. I know beyond a doubt he had his emotions ripped out of him as payback.....

PAWS - I copied the article info about EMDR and plan to read it. Have you heard of a "burning ceremony"? That is where you write a letter to the person (deceased loved one, perp, etc.) and tell them what they did and how you feel. When you've done that, you take the letter and burn it. Somehow, subconsciously, it is a trigger to releasing the pent up emotional baggage.

I did force myself to cut out the obit upside down and focused on the scissors. At least I couldn't make out the words or the picture with it upside down. Put it in an envelope and was planning to burn it then bury it in a hole in the back yard. Then I realized I can't stand the thought that any part of him is near me so I will go to a nearby creek, burn it and let the waters wash him away. Hopefully, that will be a huge turning point for release & freedom.

That may, indeed, be a part of your healing process...good thought, good idea.

One form of therapy, that I use, is to talk to an "empty chair". This way, you can confront your perpetrator...this time in perfect safety, and better equipped to "talk back to your pain".

Understanding THEIR dynamic also seems to help in Deep Emoting Therapy. In the case of a family member that has abused, it can sometimes work to some sort of advantage, by seeing the person instead of the office...of that person.

Heavy handed, authoritarian parenting may take a lifetime to confront and even longer to understand. While I don't excuse the beatings, I do understand that my father came from abuse himself...and I also understand that I am a link in a chain...so to speak...and it's my opportunity to break the chain.

I did that by not having children.

PAWS - Well stated & understood. However, the opposite also happens when you become a parent....you either repeat the cycle (God forbid) or you go 180 degrees in the opposite direction. For me, I am over-protective of my children even tho some are now adults. God help the person who would hurt one of mine....I learned my lessons from my mother's poor choices well. Best wishes.

That practice definitely raises the standard of morality.

You are to be congratulated! I didn't feel I could break the cycle...too internally conflicted and weak...on my part. Plus...a bit Narcissistic and self absorbed...part of my Inner Child's means of compensation.

Today, if I can keep that guy at bay, I'm a pretty decent human being.

I tell ya.. When i saw my therapist yesterday. He said that was one one my main problems to..Anger,and panic attacks. Seems like an everyday thing. I also been having an issue with confused thought very BAD......They have upped my meds and chaged some around. Im hoping this helps,,but i sure know where ur coming from.

I am also very protective of my daughter,shes 18 an i treat as if shes 6 somtimes. I dont mean to...But i feel the same way ..God forbide somone hurt her.....

I really don't know, I'm no professional but it happens to me a lot.
:[

When I was a kid my mom would tell me .. Amy is having panic attacks she can't go out we must go help her. I had no idea what she was talking about, I have never had a panic attack till the rape. John M came into an aa meeting with a pink shirt on I looked at him started to sweat and ran out, I guess that was a panic attack if I saw him today I would probably hit him. I did not remember then when I got outside I thru up. CRAZY... That is a panic attack. No more fear no more running no more hiding, I am back and if I see the cowards God help them! We have the ability to control our Anger but ask me if I would smile at my exhusband or find something and run and hurt him. I can't tell you what I would do. What I am trying to overcome now is STALKING FREIKS, how do you stop the STALKING freaks? I am thinking a body guard..LOL

In the Bible it talks about ANGER...

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (Proverbs 15:1). I had a best friend 4 or 5 years ago and he was angry, but it silly jokes I would help him to negate that angry, it was funny the vein in the top of his head would pop out. I laugh at it still thinking after all these years. Anger causes so much grief, the core of his anger was deep really very deep - I won't go into the why behind it .. but right above that anger was a diamond a good soul that he would never let people see.

Yes definitley, anger,irritability,panic attacks are definitley prominant symptoms. In me they seem like a secondary reaction to Why is this affecting me so much, and feels like it in a response to helplessness. Some of what you might be feeling can be amplified by the condition of hypervigilance or hyperarousel that is accompanied by PTSD. The best thing to do for me I've found is deep breathing in through nose out through mouse. This helps me alot. As soon as I start feeling the frustration,anger. I start with the breathing and often my symptoms will pass. The most important thing is recognizing that I'm having those symptoms and trying to calm myself down. Hypervigiglance can be terrible both mentally and physically for the body. Ecspecially sustained. You can often crash from long periods of it as your body cannot sustain the cortisol and adrenaline levels being released. If you have a therapist I'm sure they can offer ways to dealing with this. I used to get serious bouts of depression afterwards before I knew what was going on. I suffered and still suffer from CPTSD for about 17 years now, most of which I was undiagnosed and had totally blocked out most of the bad experiences that caused this. Most of my problems came from depression afterwards from periods of hypervigilance and stress/anxiety from triggers, but I did not know what was causing them or what it was I had. Luckily I have found a really good psychotherapist who has helped me which I am currently seeing.