Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
Counselor told me that the anger and panic attacks are part of PTSD. I believe I have resolved the largest part of PTSD in that at least now I don't melt down when I hear/see a trigger, just get a lump in my throat and sorrow for the loss of what others must be suffering as I understand the position of loss from their point of view.
However, I have so much anger....Sometimes it's anger over something unknown to me, just general but a lot of the time it is "IT's NOT FAIR!" kind of anger. Which, welcome to life, as life isn't "fair" to anyone.
The panic attacks usually appear when I feel pulled on by too many deadlines and people.
I find myself wanting to run away and hide.
Is this really part of PTSD?
However, I have so much anger....Sometimes it's anger over something unknown to me, just general but a lot of the time it is "IT's NOT FAIR!" kind of anger. Which, welcome to life, as life isn't "fair" to anyone.
The panic attacks usually appear when I feel pulled on by too many deadlines and people.
I find myself wanting to run away and hide.
Is this really part of PTSD?
You see, for many, there is no one who can be brought to accountability for their crimes and their sins against someone
This in my mind brings or is a judgment. Told hold any accountable denoted blame.
My path gave up needing to hold anyone but myself accountable and only for my presence right this second.
I eat the elephant dinner a little differently not right or not wrong but my choice. I own it. If it does not work out I will adjust because I am open to what now can offer.
I have lived my dad force feeding me once a week for shits and giggles with a large board with holes drilled in it. As I got a little older I never would give him an emotion. As I remember it anyway and if it is wrong I could give a hoot. Does not concern me in the least now.
He would get pissed and start yelling as if a fight with another man and beat me with all his strength till he got tired.
Gees that is long over with and I let him own that behavior and answer for it.
It is all that I can do to focus on now and enjoy what today brings.
I am at peace more than anytime in my life . Amazing to me it is so new and shiny.
My dad was killed in a mining accident. The Upper Big Branch tragedy (WV) started the trigger on this and I had no clue what I even had until this bomb went off. Then it exploded in my life.
I feel like I have some "peace" in that during a flash back I somehow managed to get back to the accident site and have a memorial service for my dad. The mines doesn't exist in reality but my gut KNEW that was the place. This brought some sense of my dad's death being recognized and the lies "made right".
The mines covered up so much stuff! I did manage to get a copy of the official report from 32 yrs ago and it's really unspeakable the lies and cover up. Justice does not exist in this world. But I believe on Judgement Day, God will make all things right.
We were never really told the truth of the death just told "roof fall". After reading the report, I knew all the truth and even was able to contact an official that could explain things to me. Yep, even some of the things in the report that is "official" are not kosher. But I know enough of the truth to know it was all a big cover up.
Bottom line I'm mad. I'm mad they cost my dad's life, I'm mad they ruined our family, I'm mad they kept my dad from seeing me marry, have kids, see me graduate college, etc. I'm just mad and there is no one to kick and hit and tell them what they have destroyed. To look them in the face and demand an answer! If only to hear them admit "Yes, we are guilty. It was our greed. We are responsible." Instead, all those years ago, a check was written and that was supposed to "fix" the matter.
My dad's life was nothing more than a check to be written and handed over. Put the cap back on the pen, close the check book and everything is ok.
That's my anger. I work in the legal system now trying to help other victims of domestic violence, grief, divorce, child abuse, you get the idea....The more I deal with it, the more I realize that "justice" is a joke.....it's who has the most money and is able to twist the law to their benefit.
Sorry, just a bad day....too many "whys" as of late.
You are right, in that, there is only so much "justice" that man can give back to man. Seeking God in your grief is a good thing for you...and I understand you watching and waiting for the Great Judgement Day.
Waiting and watching require faith and hope respectively.
I think, what's worse, that predates your fathers untimely passing...is the fact that he was compelled to be down in that mine, to start with.
Had he been an Accountant at the mine, all would have been fine.
I think a predating tradegy is the fact that, in rural West Virginia, that better education and work opportunities didn't exist. Was the Mining Company culpable for the cave in...perhaps...but a poor economy played it's part in your fathers decision on a means to feed himself and his family.
It seems people in Appalachia just gather more and more calamity and have few resources by which to live. I see more and more of this impoverishment coming in the next decades.
I'm sorry for your loss. My hope is that you could, perhaps, place a little of this trauma on larger issues...the preceeding issues to the loss of his life. I frankly don't see how anyone goes down into the ground like that...
One basis for your anxiety may be the irreverseability and suddenness of his loss. I think what's worse than a loss, is the anticipation...for a long time...of the loss...and THEN having the loss.
I would have rather my abusers (not just my dad) just attacked me by surprise...than to threaten...and THEN do what they "promised" me they'd do. Having known your dad was in a hazardous vocation, then having him lost to the known hazards...makes PTSD much more likely...because of the hypervigilance you held for so long as a child...against painful concern that became painful truth.
There are much more pleasent things to fantasize about.
I agree with you on this.
Many perpetrators have died or they run away...completely denying anything ever happened. This, in particular, happens in family structures...because families, for many abusers, are their fortress. They absolve themselves of personal, individual responsibility and hide within the families "dirty little secrets".
Sick bastards.
Certainly, in the case of a stranger or someone deliberately attempting to harm you...no...absolutely not...you couldn't envision a good ending with that individual...and it wouldn't be needed.
Perhaps I lost my own perspective while processing my thought...and for that, I apologize.
So much trauma occurs in the family setting...but...yes...other instances would not possibly turn out positive.
But then again i forget due to my history of total emotional neglect since birth, i nevered skeed my parents love, i never felt anything for my mother or wanted her anywhere near me, and for my father i did a little, but very little when he abused me, i stop any feelings towards him and they never returned.
I feel nothing for my family.
The last thing i would like to imagine is them hugging me.
I'm sorry but i don't see the benefit in imagining a different ending.
But again my neglectful past could be why something like that wouldn't work for me.
So its makes it less confusing now as an adult, although painful still.
But it has kept me out of abusive relationships or any relationships but better no relationships than toxic.
The patterns of behavior, from a prospective mate, can seem oddly familiar to what a child has seen...and may be the basis of proceeding forward with a sense of familiarity, which can be confused as love.
A starving child will eat anything.
I have NEVER been in abusive relationships in my entire life.
"Falling into abusive relationships is a very easy thing to do...in my mind...especially when a person is young.
The patterns of behavior, from a prospective mate, can seem oddly familiar to what a child has seen...and may be the basis of proceeding forward with a sense of familiarity, which can be confused as love.
A starving child will eat anything."
????????????????????????
Yes i understand why people get into abusive relationship in my case, that has not been one of my many probs.
As i was not given a double message of abuse and "earning" love.
I simply did not exist emotionally.
I'm sorry for piggy backing in this thread.....
I read the whole thread and i just commented on fantasazing about my family caring about me which they didn't is not something i would think productive in any way....
However, I do want to say this, we are very blessed to have adopted children and some are "homemade" (lol). Regardless, I honestly can say, I've forgotten that the "imports" (lol) are not mine biologically. The poor dr kept asking me how many kids I had and I said "4". His reply, "So you had 4 pregnancies." Me: "No, just 2" Dr: "So you have step-children?" Me: "No, 4 kids of my own." I then realized he thought me insane. I just see no difference...they are all my kids regardless of how they came to be. I love each one and do forget that all are not "homemade". My eldest has to keep reminding me when I say that whatever trait is in the family. ROFLOL
My point, you are greatly loved, desired, special & needed. If you weren't God wouldn't have created you specially as you are.
I'm sorry you were so hurt. I wish you well and will say a prayer for you. All of us are loved and wanted...if not by another human, by God our maker. YOU ARE SPECIAL!
Hugs and best wishes to you.
Also, I have noticed I compartmentalize a lot! It's like my emotions are all in little boxes and I just pull out the right one when needed. I'm told this is also PTSD. So, when will it all just go away? I had this under control for 32 yrs and really never thought much of it until the 1st trigger hit making it explode full force.
If you feel like certain things in your life...have a life of their own...then, yes, you are suffering from the fragmenting of self via trauma.
I see we discuss causes of our trauma, as some one wrote recently it all stems from relationships. So we expend a large amount of energy researching and thinking about our causes.
And A good portion is spent researching therapies and healing techniques. Many different therapies and disciplines dealing with trauma and if it can be cured totally.
We also do some other things around meds and symptoms which lead to not much but speculation.
If I were a manager and preparing for a game I would say we are extremely out of balance. So much weight given to many things daily with too much emotion but not much given to healing or inspiring or successes.
I would surmise from a distance that all the discussion on the board which is great and educational if it does not help to improve your condition, what is the point?
I can say I spent way to much time reading and thinking and discussing and I was more informed but it did very little to help my life improve.
Are we to close to our trees and the forests health is overlooked.