I think all these boards focus on symptomology, identification/diagnosis, an attempt to understand their condition (in varying degree) and an attempt to find the most expediant way to the exit of pain and discomfort in their lives.

There are a lot of miserable people in this forum.

What's appauling to me is how few answers so many have received to their pain. So many have pursued relief and found none.

This is a testament to the pain in the condition, itself, but also the difficulty to find relief.

As in Bipolar Disorder...I've read that it takes approximately 8 years on average to get a diagnosis.

How can this be??

My wife has a diagnosis of Type II Bipolar Disorder with Rapid Cycling Features. But, after living with her and becoming intimately aware of the abuse she's suffered...my own opinions have morphed from Bipolar Disorder...in the early days...to Borderline Personality Disorder a few years ago...to Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in the past 6 or 7 years.

Increased knowledge and increased intimacy with her life has brought me to this conclusion...one of which...I don't think will change from this point forward.

Meds do her no good...never did...but empathic talk and acceptance...and a safe, comfortable, and calm home haver helped her to calm and settle some the past few years.

She's a lot less angry and more accepting to think of change in her mental landscape.

Anger- is an Emotion-Something we FEEL

It is HOW we choose to REACT to the Anger that determines if we need professional help.

It sounds to me that you are questioning the diagnosis PTSD.

Anger can be dealt with by on-going Therapy and learning to FORGIVE.

Be Good to yourself, you deserve it.....Do something nice for YOU.

FIC, I'm so glad you love all your children equally. That's wonderful!

Pokkino, you make a good point, in saying that you never received mixed messages. Of course, the message you got was bad, but you're right. It made it easy for you to identify the treatment you DON'T want. Good point!

TIGERPAWS - Thanks for the input on emotional compartmentalization. Hmmm, I suppose that's why I've always been good at management positions. ROFLOL Never get emotional, lay it on the line after hearing "just the facts", and moving onto the next decision/list item. I always prided myself on being much like Mr. Spock on Star Trek....rational, unemotional, logical, etc. Maybe I kept those emotions in check all my life to my own detriment? I think that is also why all these emotions and their erratics of popping up in odd places is so disconcerting. I can't control them...they are like popcorn and I'm merely along for the ride. I really wonder if it would be wise to stuff them all back down? Probably not. They've exploded for a reason?

NOTE TO ALL POSTERS as of 9/1/2010: Many heartfelt thanks for letting me pick your brains & hearts.

IS IT POSSIBLE that you can have more than one issue causing PTSD? For example, a flood, a traumatic death, or family trauma?

I've just discovered what I am "assuming" to be another PTSD issue. Their death is causing the same erratic emotions. It is also linked, in a way, to the first PTSD. It's almost like the original PTSD issue has tentacles I am unaware of until they arise.

Is this correct or are the issues separate PTSD issues?

No, having contemporary trauma is only adding links to the chains of traumatic memories in your life.

You can only leave so many "hungry dogs in the basement" before they're going to get out. Seemingly, coming out of nowhere, will come these painful memories and collages of shameful thought...to haunt you again like a B rated movie.

That emotional compartmentalization may work for a while, but as with all things with age...some things...like the repression of pain...have long since reached their zenith...and we reach a "critical mass" on our traumatic memories.

Layer upon layer, traumatic events like upon us like piling up clothes in a bedroom closet.

The whole floats upon the underpinnings of shame...and that's anger and rage...deep within...anger and rage...pushing up the whole pile toward you...like yeast in dough. Pretty soon, you cannot contain it...it must come out.

Anxiety and panic come...like a silent scream. Somatic triggers become very sensitive in those times too. A mere cold or sinus infection can tip the scales toward open misery and continuous flashbacks...leading us into cathartic thoughts...thoughts of suicide can become very clear. You are in trouble at this point and need help, help, help.

I want to tell each and every one of you how much I enjoyed reading your responses. I am learning each weekly visit about some of the things yall are discussing. I have the anger, the sleep disorder, stomach problems, panic attacks and other things yall have discussed.

I have my secret place I go and I am learning how to breathe when I feel a panic attack coming on. I am learning I can't take crowds. I have a tape that has ocean waves that I listen to.

Most people's bucket is 1//2 full of stress and everyday life. PTSD sufferer's bucket is full all the time. One drop can cause our bucket to overflow and cause panic attacks, stomach cramping, throwing up, anger, depression, and all kinds of other things.

Thanks again. I have learned a lot from this post. My prayer is God will have mercy on us and give us back our life. Peggy

Peggy, yes, you can get your life back.

Trauma based therapy is the way back and it's based upon the recall of memories...and the subsequent release of the unprocessed emotions that go along with them.

Your body stored each repressed piece of anger through this process of trauma in your life.

When a person is denigrated or brought down by abuse, no matter what age, the underlying reaction is anger, if not, rage. Rape for them means rage for you...if that rape is literal, or figurative. The rape can be emotional and need not be physical. Anything that is taken away from us, that is not replaced, is another form of denigration. When somebody steals from you and there is no return it leaves us longing to fill the void with something and the natural counter to being denigrated...to cover the loss...is anger.

Anger is natures way of raising our cortisol levels and giving us a sense of control. We have to lift our spirit with something, in the face of a loss, and the first thing we want back...is control...or some sense thereof.

As time goes by, and we think about what we've lost, we want it back...but oftentimes...cannot have it back. It may be dignity...who knows. But, the only thing in our minds...that we have...to soothe ourselves and overcome our fear of perhaps losing X,Y, or Z again is anger. Time after time after time...as we are harmed...we use this thing called anger...and pretty soon...anger becomes a part of us.

Like layers of a pearl, anger builds upon itself and is seated in our bodies. Our bodies cannot handle this component on a long term basis and our autoimmune system begins to think there is something wrong with the body, continually, and it begins to react...to fight off and ward off something that is depressing the self.

Psoriasis is a hallmark of depression which is anger turned inward. Ever hear of that definition of depression?? Angers gotta go somewhere...and if it doesn't come out...it stays in.

With each memory of anger...watch and see...there is an associated memory of fear...or memory of being shamed and denigrated. Anger or fear or both can become a seemingly automatic response...but...it's actually a hypostatic personality trait after a while...so well conditioned into ourselves.

Of course, our world doesn't want to see our anger. We aren't supposed to be angry in the worlds eyes. Few people, and few therapists, want to deal with anger because anger is like roofing tar...it sticks to everything. Doctors would rather give you meds...that work...to help you contain more pain and anger...or give you shock therapy to help you forget your anger by forgetting your memory. Only problem is...your memories heal...for good or bad...and the constructs of anger only come right back.

The way out is the way through...our anger and shame.

TIGER PAWS - great response....my problem...how to get out the anger to get through. And how to get through? This new death, although a great relief psychologically knowing they cannot physically harm me or my family anymore, does also bring great anger at the one remaining alive with questions that will never be answered or if answered never successfully. So many "whys".... This brings a new "episode" into my PTSD which I thought both were dealt with and over. Now both have come back to bring 2x the anger, 2x the whys, 2x the tears, etc. Everything doubled.

Spouse doesn't nor does family or friends, really know what I am dealing with and even if they did, wouldn't get it.

Doing a lot of praying and meditating and listening.....God always answers but not always in 20 minutes. He ain't Pizza Hut. (lol)

HURTING 101 - Hey there. Welcome to the site & this topic. Hope you get some answers and insights that help. I will tell you this, it is much like untangling a ball of yarn.....several spots of smooth yarn then a knot or two to undo.

Panic attacks, yes, they've (unfortunately) become a companion of mine. I suppose it's true that when you hit your 40's everything (including your emotions/mind) fall apart. lol

Take care.

FIC - let's take a central issue that causes you a flashback. It can be a direct issue or it can be a peripheral issue, if you don't want to go that deep.

Convey to us a point of stress from a historical perspective. Give us the wrong done, the reaction at the time, and the symptoms you suffer today. Let's break one of these down into it's individual components and "process" these...as a mean to begin to free up anger and free up the burden you carry.

I like how Hurting101 said this: "Most people's bucket is 1/2 full of stress and everyday life. PTSD sufferer's bucket is full all the time. One drop can cause our bucket to overflow and cause panic attacks." That's a great way to put it!

I will think of that today and try to have compassion for myself.

Hmm, the MAIN trigger, so I am told, was my dad's death @ 15yrs. The coal company covered up things and quieted those who knew. When the UBB (4/2010) tragedy occurred, it was like an explosion in my soul. Everything flew out. I didn't want to watch the news but had to know. I was even able to obtain the "official" report of my dad's death even tho it has been 32 yrs. (So much for being a research geek! lol) It showed even more of the cover up than I could've imagined. It had maps, details, etc. I have a little "memorial" thing I have kept with the report (can't stand to look at it or I lose it major) but I need to have certain articles with me such as a rubbing of grave stone, the report, a lump of coal from where the mines used to be, etc. I then finally had some peace as I felt my dad received his "justice" as the whole truth was known.

Then this new death occurred (8/30/2010). This man married my mother under false pretense after my father's death and proceed to destroy our family. They divorced but not before his destructive rampage of 8 years. His death allows me to breathe because I know I don't need to look over my shoulder any longer in fear of being stalked or my sister or mom harmed.

However, now I am dealing with the "If dad hadn't died due to the coal company's greed/negligence then mom wouldn't have married this man who destroyed our family." Add to that the actual destructive things this man did to our family which haunt me. Why? Why didn't my mother wise up and leave sooner? Why didn't she wise up and protect her family? Why didn't the coal company do right by its employees so my dad wouldn't have died? Why did the coal company treat my dad's death like a piece of faulty equipment and just write a check thinking that "fixed" his death? "If dad hadn't died, mom wouldn't have remarried, no abuses would've occurred, that wouldn't have ruined our health, which wouldn't have caused cancer and other health issues....."

So many whys keep whirling in my mind. The coal company is not in existence any longer, even if it were, who could I knock in the head? The other man is dead, and now receives his judgement from God who is far more capable of justice than we have on this side. He never once admitted he was wrong or accepted responsibility for how he destroyed our lives individually or our family corporately.

It is much a tangled ball of yarn with many knots for many reasons. Does this make any sense? I just want to smack someone and demand from them "How could you let this happen?" "Why didn't you do something?" "What is the matter with you?"

All right questions, I suppose, as a survivor of trauma?

Yes, absolutely all the right questions. This is absolutely normal and the downstream effects of losing your dad, and the stability that went along with him and his life, was a paramount piece of the puzzle that became missing.

This happened at age 15? That's particularly devastating because you are approaching the cusp of adulthood.

You mom's getting remarried may have come from a sense of fear and uncertainty about her (and your) futures. She would not be the first person to try to bond with a caretaker in light of this tragedy. Life is scary, at the very least, but even worse when your nightmare only gets worse.

You will find, overall, that Narcissistic men prey upon vulnerable women and children...they do the "beat down" because they are beyond shameful themselves. He probably never gave anything without taking 10 or more things himself.

What kinds of abusive behavior did he have toward you and your mother...and your siblings?

Narcissistic cruelty is bad enough...and can take down the strongest of people. When approached by a Narcissist, anyone had better send a very firm message that they don't have a place with you...or you'll become their next victim.

It's good he is dead, now...and out of your lives...well, except for his legacy of trauma.

Tell us about him. Tell us how you felt...felt...when he would be out of control. Emote, journal...tell us your feelings...

Thanks, however, honestly, the stuff is just to gruesome to put into words. It makes them more real, not just in my head. It gives them life and once written it really can't be denied how horrid it was (is?). Just thinking of him makes me physically sick, so I block out his name by calling him "The Poster Child for Preparation H" or "The Fruit Loop". I guess that is "blocking" to a degree but to actually say his name, for example, seems like he has power if he is acknowledged.

Yes, he's dead, but I shudder at the thought of who all suffered at his hands. We weren't the only ones, just the closest in proximity.

I also have guilt that I should have done something, but my rational mind knows I did try but without evidence, which abusers hide, what can you report? Another attribute he's given me and my family...guilt and shame.

I honestly can't write the words. They are just too awful. He's paid over time, and I know that God does avenge as I watched him pay for his deeds. However, I must find a way to heal, to clean out the filth and destruction he brought into my life and move beyond.

I did make myself clip out his obit, upside down so I really couldn't recognize the words or his face. I plan to have a burning ceremony hoping that as the smoke rises, my soul will find some release.