A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven.

Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him.

So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for Judgment, but I couldn't help wondering. Why are you tossing those people aside instead of
flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?" "Oh those . . " Satan groaned. "They're all from Michigan. They're still too cold and wet to burn."

How did the human race appear?'





A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human

race appear?'




The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve

and they had children and so was all mankind made.'





Two days later the girl asked her father the same

question.




The father answered, 'Many years ago there were

monkeys from which the human race evolved.'





The confused girl returned to her mother and said,

'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human

race was created by God, and Dad said they

developed from monkeys?'




The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple.

I told you about my side of the family and your

father told you about his.'

LOL that explains everything

Good Lord, I couldn't read all of that. Miller has deemed my eyes glossy and I'll just pretend I read it...

I'm assuming it was funny. If Deb laughed, it must be

THE WORLD'S SHORTEST PSYCHIATRIC JOKE

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts."

Overly simple, but it sure fits!!

A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, he lost his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home, but was stopped by the Customs Agent at the Tijuana border.

"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.

"Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border," said the agent.

"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Bill Clinton tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of George Bush on the other." "This I gotta see," replied the agent. With that, Joe dropped his pants and bent over in front of the agent. "By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Go on home to Detroit."

"Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Detroit?" The agent replied, "I recognized the picture of Kwame Kilpatrick in the middle."

LAUGHED SO HARD I ALMOST PEED.
KIDS DO SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS, DON'T THEY? LOLOL

No Speak English


A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.


One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.


Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.


On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...


(Please scroll down)






























What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!


Now get back to your emails.


I don't know about you sometimes!

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around, looking for valuables. He picked up a CD player to place in his
sack, when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,
'Jesus is watching you.'


He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, & froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head & continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.'


Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the
source of the voice.


Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest
on a parrot.
'Did you say that? ' he hissed at the parrot.


'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn
you that he's watching you' The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh?
Who in the
world are you?'


'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of
people would name a bird Moses?'


'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

The human body is a machine that is full of wonder.
This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we were designed the way we were.

Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you dream.

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

You use 200 muscles to take one step.

The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.

A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands.

A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.

The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.

It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.

Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.

There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.

The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.

Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.

When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, and they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.

Your thumb is the same length as your nose.

At this very moment I know full well you are putting this last fact to the test...
now remove your thumb from your nose and pass this on to the friends you think
might be interested in comparing their thumbs to their noses as well

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.



My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.


The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.


I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.


I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.


The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.


If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.



..............And last but not least,



You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed
him 'playing church' with their cat.
He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it.
She smiled and went about her work.

A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back
to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.
She called out, 'Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!'

Johnny looked up at her and said,
'He should have thought about that before he joined my church.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another Speeding Motorist Is Caught


A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of
cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a
speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was
pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was
about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was
speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other
cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the
ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?"
the policeman ,__
suddenly asked | `'.
the man. __ |`-._/_.:---`-.._
\='. _/..--'`__ `'-._
"Ummm, yeah..." \- '-.--"` === / o `',
the startled man )= ( --_ | _.'
replied. /_=.'-._ {=_-_ | --`-.
/_.' `\`'-._ '-= \ _.'
The officer ) _.-'`'-.. _..-'`
grinned and added, /_.' `/";';`|
"Ever catch *all* the fish?"

DOG'S DIARY

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with my people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!




CAT'S DIARY

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.


In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in... P... E... N... I... S... His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: PASSWORD REJECTED....... NOT LONG ENOUGH

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, 'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today!'

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, 'It reminded me of a peanut.'

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, 'Really small, was it?'

Sally replied, 'No... salty!'

Mom fainted

Warning: For those with weak kidneys....you could pee yourself laughing....LOL

One Man's Good Fight..... I went grocery shopping recently, while not
being altogether sure that the said course of action was a wise one. You
see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to mess yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a
written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day, both of your
butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing: I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee, (and all of you know what I mean), nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement'.. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next-door neighbors as "thunder and lightning".

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when, I bravely set off for the market -- a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits. Upon entering the store, at first, all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about, dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms, that the pain hit me.

(Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm
referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go...' pain that always seems to hit us at
the wrong time). The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in
the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for
freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their
way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the
direction of the restrooms, which would bring sweet relief, it happened.

The peppers fired a warning shot! Well, there I stood, alone in the spice
and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which
has never before been recorded in the history of mankind. I was afraid to
move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh, so
slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I
began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned
into it. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her
reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate,
as she walked into it, unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two
different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of
you at least will be able to relate: I could've warned that poor woman,
but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and
apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do
before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there, blinking and
waving her arms about her head, as though trying to ward off angry bees.

This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. BIG, BIG
Mistake........ Here's the thing: When you laugh, it's hard to keep things
'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new laughing guffaw, an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told that a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing a shotgun..
Suddenly, things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off
through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole
way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
THIS TIME, luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time, I got to the
john, began the inevitable 'Oh, My God!, floating above the toilet seat
because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging.

One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, ' Oh, My God!', then quickly left.

Once finished, I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart, intending to carry on with my shopping, when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The
manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which
ought to take care of the problem.' That, of course, set me off again,
causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner, shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off, returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked, none too kindly, not to return.

Home again, without finishing the shopping, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have to repaint the store.........