Multiple Sclerosis (MS) Support Group
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HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest casino and purchase one or both of the antidotes Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert your friends. If you do not have friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
'Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
'Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas , and Earlene got pregnant again.
'Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again'
Luther asks Billy Bob, 'So, what you gonna do this year that's different?'
Billy Bob says, 'This year I'm taking Earlene with me.'
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the b athroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure en ough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, 'Son... what happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean?? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'
His son replies, 'Oh, THAT. Mom dragged you into the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!' '
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the r ight time....PRICELESS
Because it ends up behind her ears anyway!
A: "I'm soooo drunk."
Who's the most popular guy at a nude beach?
The guy who can carry two cups of coffee and seven donuts.
Who's the most popular girl at a nude beach?
The girl who can eat the seventh donut.
The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.''
The brother thought about it and apologized.
"So how's Mom?" asked the man.
"She's on the roof and won't come down."
[Five minutes later]
"Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
[Five minutes later]
"Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
[Five minutes later]
"Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
assignment: Have your parents tell you a story with
a moral at the end.
>> The next day the kids came back and one by one began
to tell their stories.
>> 'Johnny, do you have a story to share?'
>>'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt
Carol. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane
got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory
and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a
pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey
on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her
parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy
troops.
>> She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran
out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade
broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'
>> 'Good Heavens' said the horrified teacher. 'What
kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'
>> 'Stay the hell away from Aunt Carol when she's drinking.
A sign in front of a restaurant reads:
HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer
"Lord almighty" he says to himself, "my three favorite things"
After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man:
"You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you
would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man.
"After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have
sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears
to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to
discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He
claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you
the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time.. Do you
know why?"
"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time
is usually in January and the second time is in August."
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
ty frito
Africa , taking her faithful, elderly poodle named
Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the old poodle starts chasing butterflies and
before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.
Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly
in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo
now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he
immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his
back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is
about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy,
that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are
any more around here."
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in
mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he
slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard,
"That was close! That old poodle nearly had m e!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole
scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this
knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from
the leopard. So off he goes, bu t the old poodle sees
him heading after the leopard with great speed, and
figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills
the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the
leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of
and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's
going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the
monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do
now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with
his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen
them yet, and just when they get close enough to h
ear, t h e old poodle says...
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago
to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts...age and skill will always
overcome youth and treachery! Brilliance only comes
with age and experience
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
children to the following questions!!>>>>
Why did God make>mothers?>>
1. She's the only one who knows where the sticky tape is.>>
2.>Mostly to clean the house.>>
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.>>>>
How did God make mothers?>>
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.>>
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring
3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger
parts.>>>>
What ingredients are mothers made of?>>
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the
world and one dab of mean.>
2. They had to get their start from men's ones. Then they mostly use string,
I think.>>>>
Why did God give you your mother & not some other Mum?>>
1. We're related>>
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mums like me.>>>>
What kind of little girl was your mum?>>
1. My mum has always been my mum and none of that other stuff.>>
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty
bossy.>>
3. They say she used to be nice.>>>>
What did mum need to know about dad before she married him?>>
1. His last name.>>
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on
beer?>>
3. Does he make at least $800 a year?
4. Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?>>>>>
Why did your Mum marry your dad?>>
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.>>
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.>>
3. My grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.>>>>
Who's the boss at your house?>>
1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a clot.>>
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.>>
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.>>>>
What's the difference>between mums & dads?>>
1. Mums work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.>>
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.>>
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause
that's who you got to ask if you want to
sleep over at your friend's.>>
4. Mums have magic; they make you feel better without medicine.>>>>
What does your mum do in her spare time?>>
1. Mothers don't do spare time.>>
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.>>>>>
What would it take to make your mum perfect?>>
1. On the inside she's already perfect.>>Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.>>
2. Diet. You know her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.>>>>
If you could change one>thing about your Mum, what would it be?>>
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of
that.>>
2. I'd make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it
and not me.>>>
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of
her head.>>>>
WHEN YOU STOP LAUGHING SEND IT ON TO OTHER MOTHERS,>FUTURE MOTHERS, OR JUST
WOMEN IN
GENERAL!>>>