Multiple Sclerosis (MS) Support Group
This community is a place where members can discuss current events and weigh in on what's going on in the world.
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was?
interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my?
uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"?
"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.?
"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that?
right?"?
"Yes, that's right," I told her.?
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you?
please tie my shoe?"?
>
> 2) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the?
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking,
and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back?
there?" he asked."It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.?
Finally he said, "What'd he do?"?
>
> 3) ELDERLY?
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly?
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.?
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,?
particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her?
staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself?
for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered,?
"The tooth fairy will never believe this!"?
>
> 4) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw
her?
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that
suit."?
"And why not, darling?"?
"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. "?
>
> 5) DEATH?
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister?
heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.?
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small?
box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal
of?
the deceased.?
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with?
sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always?
said: "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole?
he goooes." (I want this line used at my funeral!)?
>
> 6) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just?
wasting my time," she said to her mother . "I can't read, I can't write,?
and they won't let me talk!"?
>
> 7) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered?
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He?
picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that?
had been pressed in between the pages.?
"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.?
"What have you got there, dear?"?
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's?
Adam's underwear!"?
STILL FIGHTING THE COLD BUT AM DOING OK , MS IS IN CHECK,SO NOT COMPLAININ AT ALL BESIDES WHO GONNA LISTEN HUH .WEATHER HERE HAS BEEN COLD N MORE SNOW ON THE WAY,STILL HUNTING HARD FOR A FEW MORE DAYS THEN HAVE A 6 DAY BREAK BE4 MUZZLE LOADER SEAON,STILL AINT GOT MY BUCK , BUT AM CONFIDENT I WILL,AHHH WELL AM HEADED FOR MY MONTHLY STEROID IV THIS MORN THEN OFF TO THE WOODS AFTER,JUST A LITTLE SOMTHING TO SHARE WITH YALL.....GREAT BIG OLE GRIZZLY BEAR HUGGZZZ......SQUISHHHHHHH LOVE YALL.
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what
the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you
'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay,"said his
father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy
replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'
(this one is my favorite)
=======
2)
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her
brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in
here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments.." answered the lady.
========
3)
"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord,"
and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's
morning."
========
4)
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he
was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note
under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If
I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this
note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket
I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
========
5)
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his
congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have
enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's
still out there in your pockets."
========
6)
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached
to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient
vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
========
7)
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls,
what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!"
said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked."You
know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
========
8)
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long
holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars
ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as
if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The
minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
========
9)
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of
attention.
========
10)
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was
about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped
by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson
was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
========
11)
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the
congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs
to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular
organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.
The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service,"
he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I
make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we
are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected
and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please
stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
________
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk
1.
Don't change horses
until they stop running.
2.
Strike while the
bug is close.
3.
It's always darkest before
Daylight Saving Time.
4.
Never underestimate the power of
termites.
5.
You can lead a horse to water but
How?
6.
Don't bite the hand that
looks dirty.
7.
No news is
impossible
8.
A miss is as good as a
Mr.
9.
You can't teach an old dog new
Math
10.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll
stink in the morning.
11.
Love all, trust
Me.
12.
The pen is mightier than the
pigs.
13.
An idle mind is
the best way to relax.
14.
Where there's smoke there's
pollution.
15.
Happy the bride who
gets all the presents.
16.
A penny saved is
not much.
17.
Two's company, three's
the Musketeers.
18.
Don't put off till tomorrow what
you put on to go to bed.
19.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and
You have to blow your nose.
20.
There are none so blind as
Stevie Wonder.
21.
Children should be seen and not
spanked or grounded.
22.
If at first you don't succeed
get new batteries.
23.
You get out of something only what you
See in the picture on the box
24.
When the blind lead the blind
get out of the way.
25.
A bird in the hand
is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26.
Better late than
Pregnant
Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled
down the car windows to make sure my
Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat
and I wanted to impress upon her that she must
remain there! I walked to the curb backward,
pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"
"Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady,
gave me a strange look and said,
"Why don't you just put it in park?"
in my Sunday school class
to see if they understood the concept
of getting to heaven.
I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car,
had a big garage sale
and gave all my money
to the church,
Would that get me into Heaven?'
' NO!' the children answered.
If I cleaned the church every day,
Mowed the yard,
and kept everything neat and tidy,
would that get me into Heaven?'
Again, the answer was, 'NO!'
By now I was starting to smile.
Hey, this was fun!
' Well, then, if I was kind to animals
and gave candy
to all the children,
and loved my husband,
Could that get me into Heaven?'
I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, 'NO!'
I was just bursting with pride for them.
'Well,' I continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?'
A five-year- old boy shouted out,
'YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.'
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side, with a 5 lb. potato sack in each hand.
Extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as
long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit
longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to a 10 lb. potato sack.
Then try a 50 lb. potato sackand then eventually, try to lift a 100
lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight out for more
than a full minute. (I'm at this level)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the
sacks .
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees'!
'What powerful rivers'!
'What beautiful animals'!
he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to
count you as a believer'?
The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?
'Very Well,' said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
sexual position for married couples is
a doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, ' Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?' The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'&nb! sp;
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!
The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
True story... Have a great day and remember...
>
>A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man
>standing alone. She approached him. "Hi .... My name is Carmen," she
>told him.
>
>"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"
>
>"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like
>most -- cars and men."
>
>"What's your name?" she asked.
>
>He said, "B. J. Titsenbeer."
To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own,
grandchildren,
nieces,
nephews,
or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was
' DON'T !'
'Don 't what ? '
Adam replied.
'Don't eat the forbidden fruit.'
God said.
'Forbidden fruit ?
We have forbidden fruit ?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit ! '
' No Way ! '
'Yes way ! '
'Do NOT eat the fruit ! '
said God.
'Why ? '
'Because I am your Father and I said so ! '
God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants
A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked !
'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ? '
God asked.
'Uh huh,'
Adam replied.
'Then why did you ? '
said the Father.
'I don't know,'
said Eve.
'She started it ! '
Adam said.
'Did not ! '
'Did too ! '
'DID NOT ! '
Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it,
don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising children,
what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you ?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !
1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you.
In fact,
they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children
more awful than your own
6. We childproofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your
nursing home one day
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
'TAKE TWO ASPIRIN'
AND 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN'!!!!!
Quick,
send this on to ten people
within the next five minutes.
Nothing will happen if you don't,
but if you do,
ten people will be laughing
wooden leg sitting outside a barn. As he was pondering
this, the pig's owner came along. The man asked the
farmer how the pig got his wooden leg.
The farmer said, "Let me tell you, that is some
pig!
Our house caught fire last May, and he dragged my kids to safety!"
"Is that how he lost his leg?" the man asked.
"No," replied the farmer. "But a month ago, I almost
drowned and that pig swam through icy water to pull me to shore!"
"So that's how he lost his leg," the man asked.
"Oh, no. And just a week ago, my wife's car slid off
the road onto the train tracks. That pig broke through
the window and helped her out just as a freight train came through!"
"So THAT'S how he lost his leg!" the man said."No, sir."
"Then HOW did he lose it?" the man begged.
"Well sir," the farmer replied, "when you got a pig
that terrific, you don't want to eat it all at once."
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.
"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"Nope," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Nope," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."
Job application Wal-Mart
Please POst!
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas. They hired him because he was so funny...
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard).
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment .
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE?: 7 miles.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
***Old People Rock! ***