Multiple Sclerosis (MS) Support Group
This community is a place where members can discuss current events and weigh in on what's going on in the world.
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
Brand new edition of...
'You know you're a redneck when......
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think 'The Nutcracker' is a vice on the work bench.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
Clean can be funny.
One day, a man came home and was greeted by
his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do
anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.
*****************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the
driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed
the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I
pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person
is always right, and the other is a husband.
****************** *******************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for
a driver's license. First, of course, he had to
take an eye sight test. The optician showed
him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O
S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician
asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the
guy.'
************************************
***********
Mother Superior called all the nuns together
and said to them, 'I must tell you all
something.
We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back.
'I'm so tired of chardonay.
********************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for
her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more
butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at
once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We
need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going
to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER
listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn
them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST
your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know
you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt.
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is
wrong with you? You think I don't know how to
fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to
show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
***************************************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North
Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army
issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army
barber sheared off all his hair. On his second
day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That
afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his
teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a
jock strap. The Army has been looking for
Herman for 51 years
Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description? '
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex,
and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the neighbor's dog. It has been barking for hours.
She jumps out of bed and says, 'I've had enough of this!' She puts on her slippers and goes downstairs.
After about 15 minutes, she comes back up to bed.
Her husband says, 'What have you been doing? The damn thing is still barking.'
She says, 'I put the dog in our yard. Let's see how they like it!'
TY LAURIE
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, Please no bags
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, Please no gray
And as for my belly, Please take it away. Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done.
Five tips for a woman.....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't kno w each other.
Foot Note:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."
THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST
NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS,
THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD
GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO
UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN
INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE
SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF
MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE
DIFFERENCE.'
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO
OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR
BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,
YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'
'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL
THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'
HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE, I THINK MINE
WAS A WITCH.'
'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY
THAT?'
'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER
ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN
SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK
MY TEETH WITH HER!'
'How did I get here?'
Her mother told her, 'God sent you.'
'Did God send you, too?' asked the child
'Yes, Dear,' the mother replied.
'What about Grandma and Grandpa?' the child persisted.
'He sent them also,' the mother said.
'Did he send their parents, too?' asked the child.
'Yes, Dear, He did,' said the mother patiently.
'So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years?
No wonder everyone's so damn grouchy around here
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no! sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, "Why?" He said, "Because you came home early."
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.
MY FAVORITE:
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
Laugh often.....It burns calories!!!
Dirty Riddles
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A .They don't have balls to scratch!
Dirty Riddles
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A .They don't have balls to scratch!
>
>
> Maybe I shouldn't give you some of these,
> but here goes:
>
> Investment tips for 2008 For all of you
> with any money left, be aware of the next
> expected mergers so that you can get in on the
> ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
>
> Watch for these consolidations in 2008.
>
> 1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay
> Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co.
> Will merge and become:
> Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
>
> 2.) PolyGram Records, Warner Bros., and
> Zest Crackers join forces and become:
> Poly, Warner Cracker.
>
> 3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
>
> MMMGood.
>
> 4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors,
> Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and
> become:
> ZipAudiDoDa .
>
> 5. FedEx is expected to join its
> competitor, UPS, and become:
> FedUP.
>
> 6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell
> Computers will become:
> Fairwell Honeychild.
>
> 7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expect
> Ed to become:
> PouponPants.
>
> 8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National
> Organization of Women will become:
> Knott NOW!
>
> And finally ....
>
> 9. Victoria 'S Secret and Smith &Wesson
> will merge under the new name:
> TittyTittyBang Bang
chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says,
'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife -
she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months.'
Earl spits, sips his beer and says, 'Better think it over,
women like that are hard to find.
MY WEEK AT THE GYM
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong.
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular
workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in
great shape since being a high school cheerleader 33 years ago,
I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
named Brad, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed
pleased with my enthusiasm to get started.The club encouraged me to keep
a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Brad waiting for me.
He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes
and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Brad gave me a tour and showed me
the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his
aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Brad was
encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from
holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC
week-!!
TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
door. Brad made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made the full mile. Brad's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I
believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I
didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking
lot. Brad was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and
when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest
hurt when I got on the
treadmill, so Brad put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would
anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by
elevators? Brad told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He
said some other shit too.
THURSDAY: Brad was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed
and his thin cruel lips pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a
half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. Brad took me to
work out with dumbbells. When he wasn't looking, I ran and hid in the
restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me. Then as punishment, he put
me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY: I hate that Brad more than any human being has ever hated
another human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,
anorexic little #@*. If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Brad wanted me to work on my
triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor,
don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a
sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher.
SATURDAY: Brad left a message on my answering machine in his grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I didn't show up today. Just hearing him made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked
the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I
can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year
my daughter will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal
or a hysterectomy. I still say if God wanted me to bend over, he would
have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife
and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner, locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the
knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What
do you do?
............................................................
THINK CAREFULLY AND
THEN SCROLL DOWN:
Democrat's Answer :
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire
him to attack? Could we run away?What does my wife think?
What about the kids?Could I possibly swing the gun like a club
and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind
of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be
content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my
family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and
make this a happier, healthier street that would
discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing!
I need to debate this with some friends for few days
and try to come to a consensus.
............................................................................
....................................
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
............................................................................
..................................
Redneck' Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG ! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG!BANG! Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the
Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! '
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!