Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Here I am posting again. Some of you may remember my story, but long story short, my 12-year BF initiated two relationships in the fall of 2017, one for sex and one EA which I would bet my life involved some kind of sex, which he denies. The disgusting thing is the EA was, in his words, a "rescue" of an alcoholic woman who drank too much, fell down some stairs and ended up in an induced coma for a month. He met her and felt sorry for her, with the hole in her head and scar. Poor pity case, right? Except that he hid the whole thing from me until I caught him, gaslighted me for months. Meanwhile, I was recovering from a broken wrist and then breast cancer with radiation, during which time he seemed totally checked out and helped not much. To put the cherry on top, the EA woman was vacationing in Florida and parasailing with the other sex partner while I was on a radiation table and having two surgeries with only minimal support from the BF.
Fast forward to today, both women are now gone as of four months ago; apparently, the fantasy died on the vine. BF, of course, wants me to "move on." I am still trying to catch up to nine months of this stuff, with a long trickle truth ordeal, and I have explained at length for me this is going to be an as-long-as-it-takes deal for me, ask as many questions as I want, and he needs to be totally remorseful and supportive. He doesn't seem to "get it" or want to get it because he keeps reassuring me nothing physical happened, the EA was "nothing", all the garbage they say.
He is very irritated I snooped on him to find this out and he is angry I keep bringing these women up. All the standard BS, not much effort to talk about how we can improve our "new" relationship, but repeating over and over he loves me, he wants to be with me, the other women were trash, yada, yada.
I am to the point where I feel like I won the war with the AP's, if only in the fact they are gone, and now I am not sure if I want to stay with this !#@#%!$ with all his baggage, even though I had fervently hoped he would be on board with this whole process of my healing. I have forgiven him, counseled with my therapist, and read everything I can find in books and on the internet about the recovery process. Of course, like many men, he has expressed no interest in counseling, and is very lazy in doing anything, really.
I am considering leaving him for a goodly period of time to see if he will finally believe I mean it that this way of limping along is not cutting it for me.
I have tried to give him the benefit of the doubt that men don't understand EA's when he gives me a blank stare and says it "meant nothing" to him, which I tell him disgusts me that he used a human being like that. I have explained it and explained it to him. I have told him how hurt and devastated I am over and over. He says the other woman was more in need than me. Just put the knife in and twist it. Lots of denial, minimizing, and condescension. Seems like absolute and evil disloyalty to me when I needed it most.
I knew the healing process would be slow for me, but I am still crying several times a week as all this stuff is still being triggered daily, eight months from D-Day.
I think I should have pulled the plug on this on D-Day and saved myself a lot of anguish. Just venting. Utterly disgusted.
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I'm horrified! I knew my insurance would go up due to getting a new car but I didn't expect it to go up over $2,000. I did have an accident with the snow/ice in the winter. I was just telling my brother that I have had my car since March 2, 2026 and have only spent $75 on an oil change. Now this! I called another insurance company and their quote was over $4,000. I guess I have to pay...
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To summarize - he had two affairs? And was minimally supportive while you were having two surgeries? Doesn't that highlight exactly what you need to do?
It has now been proven true over and over. Please leave him.
Your healing is being delayed because HE is the trigger. He isn't a healing factor but someone who continues to salt and open your wounds on a daily basis.
Just because you forgave him doesn't mean you should be continuing any sort of relationship with him.
You may forgive someone who commits a crime against you, but it isn't wise to keep them around so they can victimize you again.
own questions/concerns.You know the correct direction to move in , you
just need to convince yourself.We have all gone through similar scenarios.
The soul ties, bonds, that you formed with this individual is what is difficult
to break. Sometimes complete cold turkey no contact works,Either way
any way you look at it, you are delaying and preventing yourself from
living a life with someone that is worthy of you and you them,Start the healing process,The most profound relationship that you will ever have in this
life is with yourself. Cherish it and make haste Hugs.
What happened with the boyfriend? Did you move on, I hope?
Hope things are working out for you! You deserve a good relationship.
I do feel guilty at times for not being in his life that last month, but at least I didn't catch Covid from him. I did not get to even tell him goodbye since he was unconscious on a vent, but I did go to the hospital and be with his family 3 times and told him I forgave him and I hoped he forgave me. I'm not sure if he could hear me.
So, I feel like I have been cut off from that relationship in mid-sentence, but I have spent my homebound period since March thinking about my healing and how to go forward with better boundaries. I am 68 and my doctors advise me staying home, not working, not seeing friends. I have been getting much-needed rest. I doubt I would have ever left him completely, so the universe or God or whatever removed him from my life.
I don't really feel like I have even started the grief process; I haven't really cried yet. It's a very messy and complicated grief, with sadness, anger, guilt, and shock. It doesn't feel like I have been freed of all the drama; it just feels like a huge part of my life is just dead. That tells me I need to keep working on myself. I look forward to being able to return to my therapist in person after I can get a vaccine.
I have seen a lot of strange signs around my house that maybe he is sending to tell me he is okay or is sorry for his behavior or that he forgives me. I hope he is in a better place. I wish I could say I had gotten up the courage to leave him, but I guess life took care of that for me. It seems I always hem when I should haw. I finally did what I thought was right and best for me by distancing from him, and then he was dead in four weeks, and now I feel guilty for not being there when he needed me. But I know that is irrational.
Life can be awfully strange. Take care!
I can imagine you are in shock now, and have mixed feelings about how everything ended, but give yourself more time. Your feelings and thoughts may go from one extreme to the other. I mean you DID spend, what, almost 14 years with this person, so of course it is going to feel strange that he isn't around any more. There was a familiarity there.
You were the bigger person by going to the hospital and forgiving him and seeing him one last time (no matter what shape he was in when you visited).
Take all the time you need to process this. In the meanwhile, make sure and take care of YOU. Self care. YOU have been through a lot, not just from the death, but for so many years prior to it.
I would recommend journaling. Get out all your feelings, thoughts, everything.. from your mind and get it on paper. Writing it out helps a lot. No one has to ever see it. You don't have to go back and read it.
Even writing him a "goodbye" letter in your journal, saying everything you ever wanted to say to him but didn't say it to his face, the good the bad the ugly, get it allll out on paper, just for you, might be therapeutic for you.
You're a strong woman, I can tell. You are going to be just fine.
Please do keep posting on this site and let us know how you are. Wishing all the best for you!
Yes, I knew if I did not go to the hospital, I would regret it for the rest of my life. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I felt like I did the right thing, and I do hope he heard me.
It is hard because we were together 15 years, he was a grandfather to my twin granddaughters, and we had really good times for most of those years. We talked every day, and sometimes several times a day. He was my best friend and helped me a lot around this old house.
But I am doing well, and yes, I am strong. Wishing all the best for you, too! I will keep checking in here. There are wonderful people on this board. I hope to be able to help some of them and give them support and hope.