Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
My husband and I aren’t able to discuss the affair yet (DDay Feb 8). We both went to IC when this first happened, and his counselor said they couldn’t talk about the affair until they talked about him because he has no emotions. He has been working with his counselor to connect to his emotions and so far he’s really only been able to connect to feeling sad for his siblings at some point in his childhood. He says he has never discussed the affair with his counselor beyond the first time they met.
I feel afraid to say this because I don't want to call down a s*** storm of comments but this is not new since DDay. He has been like this ever since I've known him. Nothing REALLY bad has ever happened to us so I always explained his lack of emotion away due to our relatively uneventful lives and was surprised to get little to no emotional rise out of him over my affair. He did call me names when he first found out but that was it.
We are in a place where we do not know if we want to be together. He has his reasons and I have mine. It's almost 3 months gone by with a few forced discussions by me which didn't go well. We cannot have a discussion about the affair until his emotional work he is doing in IC is completed. We are unable to discuss our marriage until we get through all the discussions about the affair. We aren't moving until his IC unlocks something.
I was reading in the FAQ's about prolonging the beginning of the R process with separation or indecision. Doesn't seem like it reinforces R. I think it's both affecting us, our new situation is just becoming the new normal.
There is obviously a lot more but anyone out there have this experience?
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I'm horrified! I knew my insurance would go up due to getting a new car but I didn't expect it to go up over $2,000. I did have an accident with the snow/ice in the winter. I was just telling my brother that I have had my car since March 2, 2026 and have only spent $75 on an oil change. Now this! I called another insurance company and their quote was over $4,000. I guess I have to pay...
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I don't know, it does seem strange that his counselor doesn't want him to talk about the affair. Whether your husband can express his emotions or not, he does have emotions.
How is your counseling going? How do you feel about the marriage now, is it 50/50 or what do you think you want to do?
My counseling is going really well. I've been doing so much personal work on why I did this and what the hell was going on with me and in my personal and relational dynamic. It was such a horribly desperate thing I did but I told my counselor I didn't want to live a desperate life and got to work. I've been working through a lot of grief and loss (not just AP/NC stuff but life losses etc.). I've read through some amazing books on self development as well as affairs as well as healthy marriages.
To be totally honest I'm getting a huge wake up call. He hasn't fought with me or for me once through this whole thing. Everyone in his life is like "do something, show some fire, anything" to him but he doesn't. I've set up all the counseling and all the conversations and interactions and he's just doing nothing. He does work out everyday twice, shops for food, call plumbers and does practical things like it's his job but he's always been like that. I don't even know if he loves me or if he can. Some of my and his closest friends are concerned about the same thing and have advised me to separate. Going back to what it was is not an option. But going forward is a vapor right now. The last time a counselor asked me I was 50/50.
Well, my feeling is this will take awhile. Your other post said you are married 23 years. So, I don't think this will be resolved either way... right away. I am sure you want to know now, or have some answers as to where this is all going to go. But I just think it's going to take a little time.
Unless, you have felt checked out of the marriage for a long time.
I think in these kinds of cases, it takes both people to really fight for the marriage. It won't be easy, but it can be done, if both people really want it to work.
Does he have any emotions at all? Some people hide them and others are just disconnected... There is this woman who writes love songs but says she has never been in love. Says she just doesn't feel that kind of thing but picks up on how others do.
AP=affair partner
NC=no contact
R=reconciliation
I’m so sorry everyone.
I’m very sorry that you and your husband are going through this state or condition of marriage. You each deserve to be able to express your feelings about things you hope for as a couple. As you desire to work hard for yourself, then perhaps just waiting patiently for your husband to follow his own therapy sessions and to think his thoughts through very carefully he may possibly learn a new wakeup call as well. And he shouldn’t have to follow others’ instructions to “do something or show some fire” as suggested. Keep in mind that you are bound to only the two of you and loyalty begins with what is there to fight for, only you two are solely responsible for what you do under the circumstances and it is only for a joint purpose with how you settle what approach you take to make positive things happen. I recommend that as he has time to grow, assuming he remains in therapy, then he may develop his own personal dynamic to fight for your marriage.
Any meaningful relationship is to walk in shared paths, first, and while doing so be willing to put common interest in both of your lives as to the things that are in a shared and pleasing interest. The whole heart is in a constant process for new and encouraging ideas and goals, and so the hope is in finding the purpose of real love and happy, yet at times challenging, experiences; this is life. The quest of marriage is to get to the point where you each want to live by similar circumstances of which you both approve for the rest of your lives.
Surely, you vowed to trust in caring for those things which are meant for building up of a happy relationship, to honor with all heart and to cleave unto each other and none else. And I can't find fault in mistakes because it truly is difficult to not get attracted to the “spotted things” of the world, yet marriage is always an ongoing project of growth and gaining good judgment.
I hope today for you and your husband to have the courage and find the strength to the fulness of a sound healing and to keep sincere faith in both your efforts. God be with you! You are both dealing with this matter in the best way that's possible. I believe that you care; I believe that you are honest in your intentions.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response and your patience. I left another forum because of a similar post and the hostile rude responses.
We are doing our best. It is very difficult and I don’t know what is going to happen. What I notice now is that we are both so so afraid of the future that we are reacting out of that fear. We have both tried to encourage each other to calm down and not make decisions out of fear. My affair was so damaging and awful and hurtful to my husband. Our marriage also needs an immense amount of work. We have both been trying to navigate the intense fear we feel while trying to give space and also do what we can to not stay in such an unhealthy non communicative place for too long. I dunno. It’s really leveling right now. It helps to talk about it
You may still learn from each other. Keep in mind that tomorrow is never promised to be perfect. It takes courage that you admitted your affair, and honesty is a gift. Scan your heart and not your faults, dear one. I really feel that you have a good one.
Love & hugs to you! It is very nice to chat with you today :-)