Nosey, I get what you are saying. And in some cases you are correct. There is a time that you can continue till you reach a resolution. Especially if it is due to a misunderstanding of what you are really trying to convey.

Then there are times that you can beat it to death and nothing you say will matter. The trick is knowing which one you have on your hands. If by continuing to go over something again and again, starts to take away from the enjoyment of the board by others, then it would be pretty selfish of ME (ONLY MY OPINION HERE) to continue. That is when you move on to something else.

I guess it is to me like being at a party. There are just some conversations that can get to a point where they shouldnt continue in a public place. Especially if it is a disagreement that is of a personal nature. I try to use the same amount of discretion here as I would there. Am I perfect? No... We all have times when we arent. But I try to do the best I can. That is all we can really ask of anyone. To TRY to do the best they can to remember this IS a public forum.

Note to self: continue the process of learning to choose my battles.

Got it! :)

I agree with pretty much everything that is being said here. I have never used the ignore button and until it was explained to me what it was I had no idea what it meant. I can understand if someone feels the need to use it, but I would rather not because I don't want to miss what someone else is saying. Sometimes a person might really be trying to get through, apologize, or even admit that they were wrong and they can no longer do that. If it is a discussion, then I want to catch it all. If it is harrassment, that is different.

If I were to pick one thing that I think is important, having mostly been an observer, it is to recognize when it is a battle and when it isn't.

The hardest thing in a forum such as this is to remember that it is not usually personal to others here. When I say that I mean that people are posting a thread that is personal to them. It may be an attack on the people involved in their lives, but not on the people who are here. So if someone were to come in here and post that "(blank) are such evil (blank)" most likely it is just a part of what they are feeling about their situation, not that they are looking to start a fight or were even intending to insult anyone here. They were just expressing what they are feeling and most of us are aware that when you are feeling like that the ability to sift through your words to make sure you couldn't possibly offend anyone here is not realistic. There are too many different kinds of people here to please all. If you really had to take the time to do that so diligently, then I think you would give up on posting. Posting would not really be theraputic anymore.

Sometimes a new person will come here thinking that one of these rooms are about expressing anger about the other side and bashing, but find out pretty quickly that is not the case and they change their attitude and find that mindset does not really promote healing and most people are here to heal. Now if there is a person who has started 10 threads and all of them are about bashing one side or another, then I think it might be a little more obvious what their purpose in coming here is.

It might be that there are two, three, or four people who will never agree on something. They will participate in posts, have differing opinions, and it will always be presenting both sides of the coin. Just because they never agree doesn't necessarily mean that one has it out for the other or both do. It just means they come from different places, have different views, and most likely lead very different lives. That is what I mean by recognizing if it is really a battle.

What can be good about that is all aspects of the thread topic will be covered and whoever is reading will most likely be able to take something from the thread. They will find what fits their situation and apply it to their life.

I think it is really hard to assume the intent of another in a forum like this. I think it is important to not tell someone what their intent is. Even if you have ideas about what their intent might be, you should keep it to yourself because people don't know each other well enough here to know for sure. Like blonde said that is when the "defending" your friend stuff comes in. Then one person is telling another that they know what they really meant and that person is trying to explain and it all gets crazy. Pretty soon the responses to the original posts are lost and what is left is a cat fight. You can always look back on those threads and see after about page 4 or 5 it isn't even about the original post at all and most often the original poster isn't even a part of it anymore.

I guess what I am trying to say is:

1. As an observer what has always been great about this room is that there was not a lot of nit-picking. People said what they said and most people recognized that the person posting is referring to their situation rather specifically. Although their original statement might be rather general, it was not their purpose to make a general statement.

2. Maybe it is less about choosing your battles and instead recognizing if it really is a battle.

3. What can make it easier to stay on track and not get "caught up in the muck" (someone here told me that term in messages and I liked it. I can literally picture being in a puddle of muck.) is to remember to really read what people are saying and not try to assume what they really mean.

4. I think in assessing a person here what should be the basis for that is how they behave here and not necessarily how they behave or behaved in their "real" life. It is how we treat each other here that really counts because it is these relationships that apply to what goes on in these rooms.

Just my thoughts from reading the other posts in this thread and I felt the desire to share.

Can we also agree that people here are grown ups who are capable of assessing others here, digging through past posts if they feel a need for more information, so that it is not necessary for anyone to give them a heads up about a particular poster? Can we let people decide for themselves how much they need to know?

For clarification only, not fighting, not beating the horse...

Absolutely Nosey. My very short past was also brought up and questioned. Where yours was put into question based on your frequent participation, mine was put into question because of my lack of frequent participation. Basically the same thing and we both came out scarred.

I did not bring up my past disagreement with you, my thoughts about you, or my concerns with you for any other reason than I felt that things were being said that led to our issues, but did not distribute the information very fairly. When I was reading the things being said and when I looked back on the things being said it was coming across as I have a history of stalking you and harrassing you. At that point I felt that all I could do was put ALL the history out there so others could make their own decision about it since it had been brought in by another.

Without the past being dragged in, I would have continued to post what I felt and my thoughts about that topic and would have kept what I think about you to myself. I did have strong feelings on that topic and that is truly the only reason why I was posting.

again with the bullshit, the i never, the i only....enough already. I'm callng you out, smiting you with my glove. Pistols at forty paces.

New room, gloves off, topic started. Be there or back off.

*returns to room somewhat sheepishly after having made a dramatic exit..." lol!

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/glovesoff

Sorry, apparently I am confused.

I took your post #34 to be a direct response to my post #33. I thought you were asking a question, specifically of me and I was answering.

I was not trying to fight with you. I am not sure why you thought I was, but I apologize for the miscommunication.

I was just telling you that it was not my intent in that one thread to bring any personal information about you into it when I started posting; I wasn't even responding to you to begin with. The only reason it came about was because I was being jumped on and essentially being asked what my problem was with you.

I was only telling you that because based on your post in #34, I wanted you to know I did not set out with the intention of saying anything about you. I was also agreeing with you that it does not need to happen and since it had happened to both of us, in different ways, we both now how it feels.

I wasn't fighting...sorry.

I find many friends of mine in different rooms as well as here, get fed up, and later disenchanted after loving this place too much. Then they get sensitive about way too much, way too often, and threaten to leave, close their journals, delete friends, and just wanna quit this place.
Usually it's after an attack (in their perception), and a huge verbal cyber brawl. I just remind them, you got along in life without this place, and guess what? You can most likely get along in life in the future as well without this place.

Sometimes we think we've developed squatter's rights, after developing some friendships, some compliments, and get close to a few folks here via internet, instant messages, private messages, personal emails, phone calls, and meet-ups. But until you actually meet up with someone, you may not fully kow them, as much as you think. Even after you meet them, they will project what they want to project, based on situations in their lives.

So I remind myself:
Don't think you are hot shit, cuz a few admire you, or tell you positive things. Don't think you are revered or respected forever, cuz the first time you may disagree with a force to be reckoned with, that could change. Our positions here change, our popularity and self-perception sometimes may be out of whack, especially when we allow "ego" to take the forefront.

If we get too involved, too obsessed, and place too much value in being here way more than healthy.....
that's when more problems are likely to occur, in my humble opinion. Why I say t his? Cuz I've seen it in other rooms!

And then add to all the time we felt that we reached out to specific people, bonded, helped them, felt good while doing it.......
sometimes people equate that to further "squatter's rights" similar to having "paid their dues" in passing it forward. And still others could be secretly envious of that "position", and may want to take someone off the pedestal. The old basic competition drives some to create conflicts, I think with some notorious one here.

So, if one doesn't take themselves too seriously, and place too much inmportance on being here....it may be less likely to happen. I know for myself, so many times I said to myself, "Oh man, what did I do all day today???" Sure, at times it is rewarding to assist someone, pick them up, encourage, and explain things that have worked for you. But we do it out of benevolent reasons. If you do it for any other reasons, like self-importance, or vyi8ng for a nothch on a specific ladder....it doesn't work. It may backfire, and then you get more upset that you lost your spot.

This isn't a pogo game, but can be as adddictive. I just try to take each day, contribute when I can, if I think I have somethin to offer.
Some days, I realize I need to get the balance back in my life, and that foks will survive, with or without me, and do things I need to do, offline, in the real world! lol

As I learn to do a better balancing act, the need for recognition and friendship is not so great. I mean, it's nice, but not absolutely necessary for survival. Like when ya spend money! Do I want this or need this???

At one point, I did need this, DS site! But at this point, it's more that I want it, and truth be told, I also want to keep it in balance!
Sorry got offtrack a bit, but what else is new?? lol

another typo



"The old basic competition drives some to create conflicts, I think with some notorious one here. "

s/b with some notorious ONES here.

I know of about 20 different spats which have occurred over the last 20 months. I've even been recruited to comment. Once I did follow thru and once I asked someone else to follow thru regarding one guy here, who shall remain nameless, who was being outright disrespectful to women, to a friend of mine, and to me directly.

I did speak in general terms to the individual, and appealed to his sense of intelligence about our agreeeing to disagree with dignity.

Didn't get anywhere far with that! Did finally tell him that I thought he was immature, rude, and over generalizing! Finally, I just ignored his rudeness.

But recently when another room requested my input, and believe me, I got bombarded from both sides. I told both sides that I won't take sides, refuse to be manipulated to do so, and that they were doing jsut fine without my input. My input was very generic, but honest and straightforward. That this was very much junior high stuff, silly, ridiculous, and I would not be participating on behalf of either side. I told them, who I choose as friends is my business, and that I chose friends on both sides prior to the brawl, and nothing they could say, would change that, unless those specific friends had issues with me, or me having issues with them.
They learned that not all folks want to play that game, choose to, or will grace it with much time. So basically the same ol same ol has happened here! Let's just get past old differences, and enjoy your Sunday!]

With peace and serenity, have a great day all!

How, I could be wrong, It happens!! But I think nosey was just joking, not really thinking you were fighting.

Then, I can have a warped sense of humor at times so what I think is joking around might not be...it is hard to tell when it is in writing.

No, I was serious, which is why I posted the link. There's a complete lack of acknowledgement of some early statements which refer however loosely, but fairly obviously, to things I said long ago as invisible65/pinkorgonzo. So I've challenged howcouldhe to a duel.

Well see, there you go!! my warped sense of humor is just as warped as I always thought!!

"no need to even agree, just understand. the alternative is to walk away, leaving all the residual anger to be buried, available to resurface later."

I know that for me by the time I walk away there is no residual anger that I am burying. I have gotten better at actually letting things go when they no longer serve a purpose for me and I evaluate my purposes very carefully.

I am learning more and more to live by the adage that "I would rather be happy than be right". Here is a link to a brief discussion of this idea:

http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2008/12/05/would-you-rather-to-be-right-or-be-happy/