Bob, what are you going to do?

its cheating in my book. just because you tell someone afterward does not remove the fact that you went out and did it without them knowing before hand and that you lacked respect enough for your partner to just go ahead and do it, then shrug, and think to yourself, "all well. i will just tell him about it later so he cant get TOO mad."

i guess i should add that i have been in a very similar situation. when my husband and i first started dating he had a female friend that he had been interested in, but never hooked up with. it basically came down to him dating her or me and he picked me, and, low and behold, i ended up knocked up immediately, so he was kinda stuck with me. they remained friends and i was okay with that. i am generally not a jealous person.

as the relationship progressed, we had a LOT against us. brand new relationship, i had never lived with a boyfriend before, pregnancy, pregnancy complications, bedrest, he had to work 2 jobs, people questioning whether or not our baby was his since i got pregnant so fast, etc. on top of it all, he was undiagnosed bi-polar on no meds.

there were a couple times toward the end of my pregnancy where we got into fights and in my anger (keep in mind i had JUST turned 20) i was stupid enough to yell, "fine! if i am so horrible, why dont you just go be with whitney!" He ended up going to her for comfort and take a wild guess what happened?

however, for him it was the opposite. he regretted it. did everything in his power to distance himself from her without pissing her off, because he was afraid she would come tell me. but i am not stupid. i could tell something was up. so i told him that it was time to just spill it if he wanted any hope of salvaging everything.

he laid it all out for me. i packed my stuff and left with our daughter (only a couple months old). eventually, for our daughters sake, i knew that we had to at least be civil with each other. so we sat and talked. i will never AGREE with what he did. but put myself in his shoes, i can kinda get it. in his mind (on a bipolar high from argument) he thought he had permission on top of all the pressure from working 2 jobs to support us, me not working, a baby that "might not" be his, etc.

but, in the end, he owned up. he called her, told her that i knew and that he wanted no contact with her anymore. i talked to her. i was nice and civil and just wanted some questions answered. she was a TOTAL bitch to me and him. to the best of my knowledge, they have never had contact with each other again. it took a LOT to salvage our relationship, but, over 7 years later it is much better than it ever was.

for whatever that is worth.

if you want to talk one on one, you know you are welcome to email me anytime.

If she didn't tell you she was going to do it beforehand, and got your permission, yep, it's cheating.

Sorry you went through this, bob. It's like rubbing salt into a wound.

Didn't get your permission I mean.

Maybe her brother's suicide was significant here. It doesn't excuse or justify her behaviour, and I can't begin to imagine how you hard this is for you, but it may well be a part of it, especially if it's very out of character.

So sorry you've had to go though this.

It's just not nice Bob, pure and simple, being honest about it maybe her way of offloading some of the guilt, but the deed itself was done , I am so very sorry that you have had to go through this, I know, It sucks :(

After my wife told me something like that, my main issue would not be whether or not it was cheating ; instead i would be more concerned about where i was going to dump both of their bodies ! ;)

Lime LongHaul, a pit full of Lime :))

alot of great replies her but in all honesty, about 15 years ago, my wife was spending money like crazy and nothing I could say to her would stop her and I was working 2 jobs at the time trying to keep our heads above water and I got so tired and physically ill, I just threw in the towal, started taking narcotic pain killers, had sex with a prostitute, stated going to happy ending massage parlors, all because I just couldn't take it anymore. I hated both my jobs and had about one hour of peace and relaxation each day which I looked forwarded to.

Now I work for myself and I don't make much but at least it is something I can handel and I definitely can't do anymore at this stage of my life.

My wife found out what I was doing 15 years ago and I worked extremely hard to make it up to her but our life has never been the same since, so I think she feels she is getting back at me. I know I handled things in the wrong way back then and I wish I didn't do the things I did. I went through an alcohol and drug addiction but I have spent the last 4 years of my life making myself a better person. So now this happens.

I think she thinks she is getting payback now and I thought about doing the same but then I realized, two wrongs don't make a right. 15 years ago I would have and not even thought about it but I am not the same person I was back then. I am older more matured and I know better.

I'll keep u guys informed.

Thanks

I'm sorry to hear that Bob, my deepest sympathies to you. Whatever happens with you two now, I hope that you will be able to get yourself some counseling to work through this.

hugs

Bob, when i first read your post i thought you sounded like one of the most compassionate ppl. on earth and were more like her best friend in wanting her to be happy no matter what your lose was. I went through this myself with my x-husband, only we were dating at the time not married. He kept going to other women and i wasn't jealous/angry/or sad I really just wanted him to be happy and i thought htis other woman made him happy so i gave him my blessing. ( later on i beat the shit out of her cuz she was calling my house being abusive to my Mom and sister , i put a stop to that shit fast,lol) but after reading throught the rest of the posts and your comments, i see there's more to this. It sounds like you've tried to mend whatever damage was done and i thought she was telling you about all this in an effort to be open and wanting to share with you what was going on with her. Sounds like she's just being hurtful though now. Don't let it get you down too much,ppl. like this don't get very far before they ruin every good thing that they thought they had. Just put yourself first now

thanks, yes I agree with all of you. Ebb I don't think I will need counseling, I just need to be a man and accept my fate whatever it may be. I know the loss of love, loss of a person whom I have shared my life with, through the good and the bad times, will hurt and it will be like mourning the death of a loved one, but I'll continue on to be the best person I can be, I already have someone else on my mind who I would love to share the rest of my life with but not saying who it is for fear of jinxing myself. But it will be a long time before I can do anything and hopefully she will still be available.

It's just not in my hands anymore so am taking a wait and see approach.

I love all of you for the support you have given me in this post! I felt I was taking a chance by opening up my heart and my private life and I feared the worse but everything I have read here has helped me alot.

God Bless

I think considering the circumstances you're doing the best thing by taking the high road. You'll be away from her soon enough, so just hang in there. Life is never perfect, but now you have some skills to find someone new and a better fit for you. No sense letting this event drag you down again.

Bob,,, You and your wife are a wreck. I kinda do not believe you the way you slowly doled out the rest of the story. I think you got what you deserved. Saying that you were high does not forgive you for what you did.

Many women live in silent suffering while their abusive partners fly like a tornado through their lives.

I bet she is getting strong enough to leave you. I hope that you will get the counseling you need.

I do not believe the whole of this story.