I understand that at this time you've decided to stay living together..... Is there any chance of you wanting to try and work on your marriage or not?

If you've decided that it's completely over you'll both want to move on with your lives at some point.... How will you each feel if the other starts dating?.... What about wanting to introduce your kids to a new partner?

It's fine living under the same roof as long as your lives don't change however most people couldn't handle living together once the moving on starts and you will both move on and take the next steps I imagine
Under that theory you probably won't continue ongoing to live together even though it's working now

The things that will change are huge and unless you can fairly easily get a licence in California and unless that's what you want to do I would say 'don't do it'

Because unless you basically want to forfeit your life other than to parent (and you and your wife deserve to have a life of your own) I doubt you will continue to live as you are

It's wonderful that you love your children this much however once you agree to the move it could really come back to bite you.... and flying back and forth will cost a lot

She can continue to look for work where you live or perhaps she'd be willing to have the kids during holiday time??

I wouldn't do it..... Big hug..... xo

For everything that we're going through she is a good mom and good to the kids and unfortunately there is a small part of me that thinks she would want to take the kids with her in a way to hurt me. At the same time if she would snag a job making an extraordinary amount of money I would never want to be accused of not letting my kids have that type of lifestyle they can I'll be afforded as well . I already have had the thought that they would stay with me here in New York during the school season and then go out there during summer but to think of living those months in the summer without them would just murder me on the inside

There is a good board on here for support called Breakups and Divorce and I'm sure many of the problems that you might incur will be discussed there.... It's a much more active board
Another called Healthy Relationships that are essentially talking about unhealthy relationships

This is a link for Healthy Relationships

https://www.dailystrength.org/group/healthy-relationships

Children need both parents whenever it's possible... If I were you I would at least have a consultation with a lawyer.... I know right now you are getting along fairly well to live in the same house however that could turn around on a dime if someone gets upset with the other during these changes

Try to take baby steps and reign yourself in when your mind starts to do all of the 'what if's' .....

Break things down the best that you can with what can I do today, this hour or even this minute

Colouring can actually help interrupt your thoughts as it uses both sides of your brain so maybe get yourself some colouring books and journalling can get your thoughts out if you start obsessing....
I know this must be a really hard time BUT things will work out for all of you... It's going to take some time though

Right now it sounds like you're going through some guilt mw?..... Perhaps a real life support group could also be of help to you..... If you are in the US there are MeetUp's for almost anything and they're free .... You might want to talk with your doctor about getting some support as well..

DS is a great site.... I'm glad that you're here

The Breakups and Divorce board is very active.... Here's a link to it...... Big hug

https://www.dailystrength.org/group/breakups-divorce

My guilt level is pretty much through the roof at this point in my constant fear and anxiety is that I'm going to lose my kids, I can't be that kind a dad who only sees them a few months out of the year. I really feel like I need to be that dad that puts them to sleep every night and talk to them in and that is there to wake up with them in the morning. I am actually in counseling for my own issues as we speak to try to better myself for the sake of my children and I thank you so much for taking time out of your day to respond to this with these kind words to help, I thank you

It's great that you're in therapy.... It takes time but it will help.... Problems between the parents will not make you lose your children
There is also a very good and active Anxiety Board on here..
You have as much right to your children as your wife does and children deserve to have a mother and a father
I'm in Canada however a parent here cannot move a child away from the other parent without consent of that parent
I think if you consulted a lawyer with a list of questions it may help to settle some of this anxiety.... What will be important is what's in the best interest of the children and that will always be both parents in their lives unless there is abuse or neglect and it seems that, that is in no way the problem
I hope your therapist is helping you to work on some of the unhealthy guilt.... That can eat you up.... Big hug.....xo

Guilt and Shame

https://www.cottesloecounselling.com.au/dealing-with-guilt.html

The question is are you both happy? Because being together just for the kids can hurt u and the kids long term.

She seems happy other then when she gets told something she may be doing is wrong. Ex: calling old boyfriends, going out with friends who are 10 years younger and have no kids. Talking about moving and taking the kids away from their family.

Ask her if she is willing to go without you and the kids so she can settle into her new job if she gets it. If she argues back how dare you even think I could do that tell her how you really feel. Use terms like "I feel" never start the conversation with "you... " as it makes the other person go on the defensive. Maybe say I feel exactly the same about you and the kids leaving this area. Maybe we could do a pros and cons list about how this will affect all of us.". Sounds lame I know but sometimes writing things out can show exactly where a person is coming from.... Just a thought :) good luck

I actually have had this exact thought about having this exact conversation I just need to pick and choose my moment when what you said basically won't happen or she'll go on the attack

Be calm if she gets angry don't pursue it say I feel I need to talk about this but maybe another time... Don't say things like let's talk about this when u have settled down you crazy woman as she will just build walls up and hold a grudge some of us women folk like holding grudges :)

Ask your therapist for ideas to open safe dialogues especially if your ex does get emotional which is fine as there are no right or wrong ways to react u can't control her but you can monitor yourself

That's kind of what I am doing, she goes out with an EX and I don't start a fight about it. I cant, in her mind we are separated and she is living her life. I can only worry about my kids and fixing my own issues at this point