This is my first post on this website so please excuse if it's abnormally long or even too detailed. In fact, none of ya'll have to read it, I just needed a place to let out this issue because it has been bugging me so heavily.

When I was 3 my father went to prison following months of his infidelity from my mother and their eventual divorce. All of this I clearly remember, including all their arguements. Despite their differences, my mother took me nearly every week to visit my dad, so I maintained contact with him and was in fact a 'Daddy's girl'. I absolutely adored my father. He was released from prison when I was 9, and even then I was still incredibly close with him, I would stay up till early morning hours playing playstation with him, and I had to be everywhere he was. I believe it is important to mention here that my father isn't a criminal, he was wrongly convicted of something he was not guilty of.

It wasn't until I was 12 that I began noticing another side of my father, it wasn't particularly nice. My him and my mother get along to the point they live as a couple, but that's the last thing it seems. My father started drinking, he never physically abused me and only once he grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me, but mum was quick to let him know that behaviour isn't tolerated. 

Then when I was 13, I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist with major depressive disorder, an eating disorder (not otherwise specified) and mild OCD. When my father found out about the eating disorder, I was backed into a corner and yelled at for 'being so stupid' and 'saynig things for attention.' At one point (although he never attended my sessions with the psychiatrist or psychologist) he stated that: most of the things that came out of my mouth were 'complete lies.' 

There was many times I had my bags packed and was ready to leave ONLY due to my father and how emotionally abusive he was, but I never managed to be able to leave my mother as I felt protective of her and never wanted her to blam herself for me leaving. Because my older sister moved out and ceased contact with the family for very much the same reason and my mother feels partially responsible.

Now at 18, my father drinks on a less-regular basis, perhaps 2-3 days per week. He can still become quite angry, in fact at one point his words were, '**** you, you stupid ******* selfish brat' and he stomped off and slammed his bedroom door. This I must mention was after I said these exact words, 'Sometimes the things you say to me are hurtful and I'm sure if I treated you the same, there would be no way you would let me live here.' 

But with that information out the way, I'm EXTREMELY uncomfortable around my dad. It all started on a day where my friemd and I used to lounge around my room in our bras and trackies (we were about 14) and my dad walked in, I got behind the door in time as I yelled 'Don't come in!' He simply stood at my door STARING at my friend until I said 'Dad we're getting changed!' and he walked out. This situation made my friend feel horribly uncomfortable.

I usually have a good idea about someone's character and whether they're someone safe to be around. And my father is now one of the most uncomfortable people to be around. If I'm talking to him, sometimes his eyes will linger and look at my chest (I must mention large chests run in my family, since I was 16 I've been a 10HH). It isn't until I very hastily bring my arms to cover my chest that he'll look back up at my face. He's also taken his attention to my butt a few times. Even when I was in hospital and I had to wear a gown, he was  just staring at my chest, and because I was in the ICU, I had so many cords attached to me I couldn't even lift my blanket to give myself another layer of cover and I was left feeling furious!

I cannot handle when he hugs me, I do not put my arms around him, I keep them against my chest and I face to the side of him. He knows well that I dislike people touching my neck, waist and shoulders because it makes me feel unconfortable, and he touches there just to 'muck around' and when I move away and say 'Could you please stop, I don't like to be touched on my neck,' he always replies with, 'you're my daughter, I'm your father and I can do what I want.' Even when I state 'I need my person space' he will say 'too bad, I'm your father.' 

I'm getting to a point where I wear layers of jackets (I genuinely mean I will wear a jumper and 2 jackets) just so there is nothing for him to look at, it will be jumpers covering my chest and butt. It's gotten to a point I'm too uncomfortable to face away from him because I feel so awkward that he's looked and may be looking at my butt. 

And it highly irritates me when he'll make comments like, 'You're cute when you're angry.' 

One incident made me avoid ever partying again when I was once about to leave the house and he said I looked 'very pretty' and continued to stare at my chest till, like usual, I covered mysef with my hands. Once I returned home from a party completely wasted with vomit on me, my mother took me into the bathroom and helped me take my clothing off (while she kept my privates covered with a towel), she wrapped me in the towel and helped me to bed. The next morning I woke incredibly confused because: 1. I never sleep naked so that was a shock, and 2. I couldn't even rememeber getting home. It wasn't till a few days ago dad accidentally admitted before leaving for work he came into my room (knowing I was going to be naked) and he said by what I looked like he knew I was in for a shock when I woke up that morning (implying he saw me naked), I know this could've been an accident, but he's otherwise never entered my room before leaving for work, and he knew because of the night before that I was going to be naked.

I don't know what to do, when I was in hospital and just mum was visiting I finally got the guts to tell her what was going on. She said to me he probably doesn't mean to look at my chest. When I told her how frequent and awkward it is and that I have to sometimes even cover myself with my hands and arms, she told me to call him out on it and it'll embarrass him and he'll stop. But the truth is, that''s something I don't have the guts for. In my second ICU admission this year (by the way, all these admissions to hospital are from severe asthma attacks) my mum realised my dad looking at my chest and she saw that I couldn't add the extra layer to cover myself more, so she walked over, pulled my blaket over my chest and made it even thicker so you couldn't see the contours of my chest, then she said 'We'll go now so you can be a bit more comfortable' and she gave me the look as if to say she knew why I seemed so uncomfortable (I couldn't verbalise anything because I was on non-invasive ventilation).

I simply don't know what to do, I'm 18 but my parents won't let me get a job because they want me to be focusing all my time to my studies. So I have no money or no break from home. I have my boyfriend of 4 years (yes, we've been dating since we were 14 heh) that I'm sure his family would help out and take me in, but I would feel an overwhelming sense of guilt because I couldn't financially contribute. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard  place. I've never told anyone besides my mother about my dad looking at me the way he does. It honestly makes me feel sick, and I'm too embarrassed to tell my boyfriend because it feels too wrong to say.

I'm also battling lowered kidney function (kidney failure at a young age runs in the family) and I'm on a plethora of steroid medication for my asthma, and now I'm close to battling 'Thunderstorm asthma.' On top of this I need regular specialist and doctor vists, as well as tests needing to be conducted at the hospital. I also need to buy my medication, which costs around $100 a month and all of them except one are covered by the PBS. Because of all this, I'd hate to burden anyone with having me around their home, because let's face it, my health demands are high maintainance and I'd only been a financial, time and emotional burden in a household, I simply have nothing good to contribute to anything. I'm looking to get Centrelink payments as a student, and if I save these fortnightly payments, I might be able to eventually move out, even if it is just to my boyfriend's, it takes me away from feeling as though from the moment I wake up I'm having to cover my body for a ridiculous reason.

But in the meantime I don't know what to do. I really have no clue. And it's only a matter of time between this and everything else going on in my life before I totally and completely snap.