Families of SOs Community Group
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Hello,
My 20-year-old son was arrested about a week ago on charges of child pornography, both viewing and distributing (through a sharing file). It is very serious as they say he already has five counts and is expected to have more charges, He is currently in prison. His father (we're not together) and I decided not to bail him out because we are afraid that he will harm himself (he has been severely depressed for a long time) or run. Also we believe that time served in the small prison he is in will be better than the conditions at the state prison.
My heart is broken for my son. He has had a very difficult life but others stand in judgement of him. He is adopted and has suffered two additional abandonments (one when I was hospitalized for 3 months with severe depression) and finally, the effects of a terrible divorce following a 20-year marriage.
In addition, at about age 14, he began telling us that he was molested by an older boy when he was 7. More details have come out in the last year but it is hard to know if his mind is remembering things correctly. At 12, he began self-medicating with drugs and alcohol and was a full-fledged addict by about 14. He spent time in substance abuse programs, halfway houses and overdosed four times. Finally, at 19, his father brought him home to live with his grandmother. He did well there, remaining clean for 18 months, going to AA, etc. But he did not have a job and was extremely isolated at home with his grandmother. We now know that he sometime during that period at his grandmother's, he began viewing child pornography.
I know that my son committed a crime and must pay the consequences. However, it is hard for me to believe that the molestation, his mood disorder, his addiction (I think he just traded one addiction for another) and the isolation he experienced did not contribute in a major way to his foray into the world of child pornography..
All of the above either contribute to, or are a result of mental illness. Yet, I do not believe for a moment, that any of it will be taken into account. I do not believe he will receive the help he needs and that they will see to it that he get his medication.. I fear this his life is over at 20. I fear for his life when he gets out of prison. whether his sentence is long or short. However, I am trying to be hopeful for him, because if I don't have hope, how can he?
However, the truth is that I am so distraught that I don't know what to do with the pain that I am feeling, as the mother of a 20-year-old child whose life may never be the same, and for my son who is feeling my pain times many times over.....
I do have a wonderful therapist and she will not stand in judgement. But she has not walked in my shoes or yours.
I sent my son a letter with this saying: "At any given moment you have the power to say: This is not how the story is going to end" (author unknown). Perhaps this will help some of you.
.
Please, if you have words to help me deal with my grief, words of wisdom or just plain advice, I welcome it.
J
My 20-year-old son was arrested about a week ago on charges of child pornography, both viewing and distributing (through a sharing file). It is very serious as they say he already has five counts and is expected to have more charges, He is currently in prison. His father (we're not together) and I decided not to bail him out because we are afraid that he will harm himself (he has been severely depressed for a long time) or run. Also we believe that time served in the small prison he is in will be better than the conditions at the state prison.
My heart is broken for my son. He has had a very difficult life but others stand in judgement of him. He is adopted and has suffered two additional abandonments (one when I was hospitalized for 3 months with severe depression) and finally, the effects of a terrible divorce following a 20-year marriage.
In addition, at about age 14, he began telling us that he was molested by an older boy when he was 7. More details have come out in the last year but it is hard to know if his mind is remembering things correctly. At 12, he began self-medicating with drugs and alcohol and was a full-fledged addict by about 14. He spent time in substance abuse programs, halfway houses and overdosed four times. Finally, at 19, his father brought him home to live with his grandmother. He did well there, remaining clean for 18 months, going to AA, etc. But he did not have a job and was extremely isolated at home with his grandmother. We now know that he sometime during that period at his grandmother's, he began viewing child pornography.
I know that my son committed a crime and must pay the consequences. However, it is hard for me to believe that the molestation, his mood disorder, his addiction (I think he just traded one addiction for another) and the isolation he experienced did not contribute in a major way to his foray into the world of child pornography..
All of the above either contribute to, or are a result of mental illness. Yet, I do not believe for a moment, that any of it will be taken into account. I do not believe he will receive the help he needs and that they will see to it that he get his medication.. I fear this his life is over at 20. I fear for his life when he gets out of prison. whether his sentence is long or short. However, I am trying to be hopeful for him, because if I don't have hope, how can he?
However, the truth is that I am so distraught that I don't know what to do with the pain that I am feeling, as the mother of a 20-year-old child whose life may never be the same, and for my son who is feeling my pain times many times over.....
I do have a wonderful therapist and she will not stand in judgement. But she has not walked in my shoes or yours.
I sent my son a letter with this saying: "At any given moment you have the power to say: This is not how the story is going to end" (author unknown). Perhaps this will help some of you.
.
Please, if you have words to help me deal with my grief, words of wisdom or just plain advice, I welcome it.
J
Yes, sadly in your situation, state charges are generally far preferable to federal ones. That is not, however, an absolute rule. For instance, some states have penalties for sexual offenses that far outstrip those of the federal system. Arizona comes to mind. To my knowledge, Arizona state law requires a 10-year mandatory sentence for each image of child pornography that is charged. That is much harsher than federal law. Another situation in which federal court may be preferable is if there is no mandatory minimum charge, and one gets a very sympathetic federal judge.
Crushed,
I can't speak to the specifics of your question as applied to you, as it may constitute legal advice and I am not an expert in confidentiality. And I warn that you must discuss whatever I say with your potential attorney. However, as a general matter, I don't think it would be too difficult to structure an acceptable arrangement in a situation like the one you are in, which occurs with some frequency. For instance, if it were me, I might hire the lawyer to represent me and my son. After all, we both have interests at stake, so why can't we both be the clients? Moreover, as a family member, my consultation would be critical to mounting a defense. I imagine that if there was a contract specifying the specific clients, the lawyer would only be permitted to talk to those clients only. These are the kinds of things to discuss with the potential attorney as possibilities.
Adam
J
An update and holiday wishes to all of you This has been an amazingly supportive group!
It feels "wrong" to celebrate the holidays when my beloved son is in jail. So this year I am fulfilling my obligations and nothing more. The good news is that I have hired an attorney. His price is good (not by the hour) and he even researched the case a bit before I actually retained him. I almost feel like I have hired the fixer in the show Scandal, as he has 30 years of experience and sex crimes is one of his specializations. Some of his work has even been televised. I have high hopes....
A couple of close friends and family have diplomatically mentioned that my son may never change (he is an addict). I say, maybe he won't, but if he does, i want the path to be clear for him as is only 20. There will be strings attached though. He will one day have to pay me back and I will be requesting that his attorney seek court-ordered therapy, mandatory attendance at AA meetings, etc. As I write this, my son (nor his father) does not know that he is getting another attorney. He will receive Christmas after all...
When this is over, I will know that I have done everything a mother can possibly do....
How are things going for you? I am very interested...
J
Thanks for writing. I wouldn't have it any other way....Whatever your family is going through at the time, I send my prayers as I do to every other family on this forum.
J
To Crushed and everyone else on this site that is so supportive - I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! (as good as it can be)
Hoping we all have better news next year!
Debbie