Families of SOs Community Group
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Hello,
My 20-year-old son was arrested about a week ago on charges of child pornography, both viewing and distributing (through a sharing file). It is very serious as they say he already has five counts and is expected to have more charges, He is currently in prison. His father (we're not together) and I decided not to bail him out because we are afraid that he will harm himself (he has been severely depressed for a long time) or run. Also we believe that time served in the small prison he is in will be better than the conditions at the state prison.
My heart is broken for my son. He has had a very difficult life but others stand in judgement of him. He is adopted and has suffered two additional abandonments (one when I was hospitalized for 3 months with severe depression) and finally, the effects of a terrible divorce following a 20-year marriage.
In addition, at about age 14, he began telling us that he was molested by an older boy when he was 7. More details have come out in the last year but it is hard to know if his mind is remembering things correctly. At 12, he began self-medicating with drugs and alcohol and was a full-fledged addict by about 14. He spent time in substance abuse programs, halfway houses and overdosed four times. Finally, at 19, his father brought him home to live with his grandmother. He did well there, remaining clean for 18 months, going to AA, etc. But he did not have a job and was extremely isolated at home with his grandmother. We now know that he sometime during that period at his grandmother's, he began viewing child pornography.
I know that my son committed a crime and must pay the consequences. However, it is hard for me to believe that the molestation, his mood disorder, his addiction (I think he just traded one addiction for another) and the isolation he experienced did not contribute in a major way to his foray into the world of child pornography..
All of the above either contribute to, or are a result of mental illness. Yet, I do not believe for a moment, that any of it will be taken into account. I do not believe he will receive the help he needs and that they will see to it that he get his medication.. I fear this his life is over at 20. I fear for his life when he gets out of prison. whether his sentence is long or short. However, I am trying to be hopeful for him, because if I don't have hope, how can he?
However, the truth is that I am so distraught that I don't know what to do with the pain that I am feeling, as the mother of a 20-year-old child whose life may never be the same, and for my son who is feeling my pain times many times over.....
I do have a wonderful therapist and she will not stand in judgement. But she has not walked in my shoes or yours.
I sent my son a letter with this saying: "At any given moment you have the power to say: This is not how the story is going to end" (author unknown). Perhaps this will help some of you.
.
Please, if you have words to help me deal with my grief, words of wisdom or just plain advice, I welcome it.
J
My 20-year-old son was arrested about a week ago on charges of child pornography, both viewing and distributing (through a sharing file). It is very serious as they say he already has five counts and is expected to have more charges, He is currently in prison. His father (we're not together) and I decided not to bail him out because we are afraid that he will harm himself (he has been severely depressed for a long time) or run. Also we believe that time served in the small prison he is in will be better than the conditions at the state prison.
My heart is broken for my son. He has had a very difficult life but others stand in judgement of him. He is adopted and has suffered two additional abandonments (one when I was hospitalized for 3 months with severe depression) and finally, the effects of a terrible divorce following a 20-year marriage.
In addition, at about age 14, he began telling us that he was molested by an older boy when he was 7. More details have come out in the last year but it is hard to know if his mind is remembering things correctly. At 12, he began self-medicating with drugs and alcohol and was a full-fledged addict by about 14. He spent time in substance abuse programs, halfway houses and overdosed four times. Finally, at 19, his father brought him home to live with his grandmother. He did well there, remaining clean for 18 months, going to AA, etc. But he did not have a job and was extremely isolated at home with his grandmother. We now know that he sometime during that period at his grandmother's, he began viewing child pornography.
I know that my son committed a crime and must pay the consequences. However, it is hard for me to believe that the molestation, his mood disorder, his addiction (I think he just traded one addiction for another) and the isolation he experienced did not contribute in a major way to his foray into the world of child pornography..
All of the above either contribute to, or are a result of mental illness. Yet, I do not believe for a moment, that any of it will be taken into account. I do not believe he will receive the help he needs and that they will see to it that he get his medication.. I fear this his life is over at 20. I fear for his life when he gets out of prison. whether his sentence is long or short. However, I am trying to be hopeful for him, because if I don't have hope, how can he?
However, the truth is that I am so distraught that I don't know what to do with the pain that I am feeling, as the mother of a 20-year-old child whose life may never be the same, and for my son who is feeling my pain times many times over.....
I do have a wonderful therapist and she will not stand in judgement. But she has not walked in my shoes or yours.
I sent my son a letter with this saying: "At any given moment you have the power to say: This is not how the story is going to end" (author unknown). Perhaps this will help some of you.
.
Please, if you have words to help me deal with my grief, words of wisdom or just plain advice, I welcome it.
J
We grieve these things like a death, because it is a death: The death of a dream. It's good to recognize what we are going thru' so that we recognize where we're at. Your therapist is familiar, I'm sure, with the 5 stages of grieving.
I, too, am the mother of a sex offender. I worry for him, pray for him, and watch the destruction of his life with complete sorrow and loss. I had dreams for my children. Raised in church, we used to sing together, myself and my three oldest boys. Now one of my sons (married, 2 kids, headed for the mission feild to preach) is a sex offender (wife is divorcing, can't see his children, only allowed to visit our church Sunday mornings with a 'shadow'), another (former music and physics major, divorced with two children, business owner) left for Cambodia 4 wks ago without telling anyone he was going, just dumped the business and his kids, another (former Navy CTI, linguist, former congressional and senate candidate) is leaving Monday to join his brother in Cambodia, to start a language school. My youngest son, who is autistic and has Spina Bifida occulta, is working at his brother's business (in another city, 70 miles away), and my daughter (the baby) and her husband rent our upstairs, with their two year old. My husband moved into our basement 8 yrs ago and altho' PDD himself, appears to have mental illness as well.
I once had hopes and dreams for my children, for my marriage, for my family. Now I just ask the Lord to deal with their hearts and to keep mine tender toward Him and others.
I can say that everyday won't be like today. Life ebbs and flows; we ride the tide. In the midst of it all, we need an anchor. Mine is the Lord Jesus Christ. He is my hiding place and my refuge, my rock and my high tower. For you, I hope and pray you get the help you need to get thru' this, and to accept the changes that come with this, and look for the good along the way. Hang tight!
When the probation officer compiles this PSR, can it include details about my son's history, etc.? Or, would it be a good idea to write a character that also included my son's history as I think it is relevant (see my original post)?. In other words, does the probation officer talk to the family to gather some of this information? Sorry for the multiple questions.
I know that you are just providing me with information, not legal advice.
Thank you.
J
J
I am not quite sure how extensive the Probation Officer's investigation is, so I can't definitively answer that question. However, I can state definitively that you and your attorney should absolutely put together the most compelling mitigation case possible ("mitigation" means attempt to reduce the sentence). Never rely on the Probation Officer--who does not represent your son--to do the best job. In consultation with and subject to approval of your attorney, you should start to compile a roster of character letters (friends, relatives, teachers, employers, clergy, and the like). Letters are most compelling when from respected and unbiased sources, provide detail, and avoid attempting to minimize the seriousness of the offense. You should certainly consider writing your own detailed letter explaining your son's history, as you are in a very good position to know it--you lived it. You should also strongly consider hiring a psychologist for a forensic evaluation, as a psychologist can review your son's family and health background and give a judge a lot of helpful context.
No need to apologize for multiple questions.
Adam
Thank you for your very kind words! I know how unimaginably hard this ordeal can be, and I'm glad to offer some help. As a lawyer, I also know how ridiculously difficult it can be to understand the law, especially much of what happens behind the scenes.
Adam
Thank you for writing me. I am so sorry to hear about the many things that your family is going through. You sound like an amazingly strong person.
I will tell you what has helped me. After many years, I have learned to change my perspective every time something else changes. At one time, I was very disappointed that this son was probably never going to go to college and be "successful", as my ex and I are both well-educated. But my son was molested when he was little and is also an addict. He has overdosed four times. He has problems with depression. He has been in numerous programs. He has been arrested once before for burglary. While I was thrilled when he was able to stay clean for 18 months and was going to AA meetings twice a week, I now I know why he was able to stay clean-he had just traded one addiction for another! And now he has been charged with cp.
Now that all of this has happened, I I would give anything just to have a healthy son who was living a normal life even if he never did anything but work as stock boy in a grocery store the rest of his life. So I keep raising the bar as to what is really important and that's what helps me deal with other issues in my life so that I can focus on my son.
We all have our own way of dealing with things, but perhaps this, in addition to prayer, will help you a bit.
Hugs,
J
I found your post very helpful. I spoke with my son today (he sounded good:-) and he says he will give me his attorney's number on Friday if his father doesn't come through. His father and I really don't speak and he is not being forthcoming with information, which is really hard. But if I am able to get the number, then I will call and ask about character references, a letter from me about my son's history and a letter from my son. Unfortunately, the video would not work for us.
I am very pleased that your son got a reduced sentence. It sounds like your family and your attorney did all the right things.
J
they did move things along fairly quick. arrested in july, by late november the forensics came back. pled out -he knew they would find something but was not prepared for what they found, he really had no clue what was one there, so it was hard to say if the forensics was accurate or not. they found 300 images. one was a video he said he had no idea -but it couldnt have been that long if it was there wham! the videos start at 75 images and goes up from there. you will learn-300 images is not that much, though it is three times the amount he calculated. if i could have, i would definatly have shelled out for a private forenics analysis, which is the only defence you really have. our first sentencing date was in mid march. it was cancelled (no reason given). rescheduled in june but the judge had a stroke, day of the court! we were so ready to finally get it over but -cancelled for 6-8 weeks. they cancelled again...day before the third date only to call up the next morning and say it was back on for that day. had i left for work earlier, i would never have known, and missed it! shifty bastards! in a twist of fate, the d.a.(not the gusto grabbing young attornys so many get) actually verified my sons story and did not see 'deviant behavor', which was a sigh of releif. he did not go through a psych evaluation. but it doesnt change the guidelines much anyway, which is mostly derived from what is on the computer...pretty cut and dry unless they start playing hard ball. i can not believe some of the sentencing i am hearing like jmjh2001. i am so sorry. this is the reason we have to fight! get these guys home! SOONER! stop this sanity!
i sent my son (in county the duration -13 months by now) the best information i could find concerning his charge. not only two of Stabenows reports but also a rebuttal report on why some think the laws are not harsh enough and the testimony of Dr. Wollert to the sentencing commision. i wanted him educated on what he was up against.
i highly recommend you print out Stabenows paper, it is 30 pages long, (it really didnt pick up for me until the 7th page so stick with it). he covers the history, studies done by leading psychiatrists, sentencing guidelines and the birth of these inane laws. http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=1996664
it is always bittersweet to see new people here, i am sad you are here but happy you found us, and want to welcome all of you here.-j-
once again thank you.
Again, just want to welcome you both to this little bit of respite we call this group.
And, I'm overjoyed for both of you that your son got 18months instead of a super-long sentence.
I know 18months is still a long time, but given what you've read on here, I think you both considerer yourselves lucky.
Earlier, you stated something about the costs of incaceration ( canteen, phone calls, ect.)
I advise you to check out ConsCallHome.com----There are different options for you to sign up for. We opted for the 100min/per month plan for an annual cost of $114.00.
They set it all up: Your son will be issued a local number in the area code he is in, thus he will dial a "local" number that is translated into your home or cellphone. The charge for this is .6cents/per min, instead of the going rate of .23 to .27 cents/per min. the prison phone system charge. It works well, and its good to know he always has a way to call us--calls from Fed facillities are limited to 15min. each call.
Please keep us posted, and good luck on this arduous journey!
Sincerely,
Jim from Jacksonville,FL