Families of SOs Community Group
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Hello,
My 20-year-old son was arrested about a week ago on charges of child pornography, both viewing and distributing (through a sharing file). It is very serious as they say he already has five counts and is expected to have more charges, He is currently in prison. His father (we're not together) and I decided not to bail him out because we are afraid that he will harm himself (he has been severely depressed for a long time) or run. Also we believe that time served in the small prison he is in will be better than the conditions at the state prison.
My heart is broken for my son. He has had a very difficult life but others stand in judgement of him. He is adopted and has suffered two additional abandonments (one when I was hospitalized for 3 months with severe depression) and finally, the effects of a terrible divorce following a 20-year marriage.
In addition, at about age 14, he began telling us that he was molested by an older boy when he was 7. More details have come out in the last year but it is hard to know if his mind is remembering things correctly. At 12, he began self-medicating with drugs and alcohol and was a full-fledged addict by about 14. He spent time in substance abuse programs, halfway houses and overdosed four times. Finally, at 19, his father brought him home to live with his grandmother. He did well there, remaining clean for 18 months, going to AA, etc. But he did not have a job and was extremely isolated at home with his grandmother. We now know that he sometime during that period at his grandmother's, he began viewing child pornography.
I know that my son committed a crime and must pay the consequences. However, it is hard for me to believe that the molestation, his mood disorder, his addiction (I think he just traded one addiction for another) and the isolation he experienced did not contribute in a major way to his foray into the world of child pornography..
All of the above either contribute to, or are a result of mental illness. Yet, I do not believe for a moment, that any of it will be taken into account. I do not believe he will receive the help he needs and that they will see to it that he get his medication.. I fear this his life is over at 20. I fear for his life when he gets out of prison. whether his sentence is long or short. However, I am trying to be hopeful for him, because if I don't have hope, how can he?
However, the truth is that I am so distraught that I don't know what to do with the pain that I am feeling, as the mother of a 20-year-old child whose life may never be the same, and for my son who is feeling my pain times many times over.....
I do have a wonderful therapist and she will not stand in judgement. But she has not walked in my shoes or yours.
I sent my son a letter with this saying: "At any given moment you have the power to say: This is not how the story is going to end" (author unknown). Perhaps this will help some of you.
.
Please, if you have words to help me deal with my grief, words of wisdom or just plain advice, I welcome it.
J
My 20-year-old son was arrested about a week ago on charges of child pornography, both viewing and distributing (through a sharing file). It is very serious as they say he already has five counts and is expected to have more charges, He is currently in prison. His father (we're not together) and I decided not to bail him out because we are afraid that he will harm himself (he has been severely depressed for a long time) or run. Also we believe that time served in the small prison he is in will be better than the conditions at the state prison.
My heart is broken for my son. He has had a very difficult life but others stand in judgement of him. He is adopted and has suffered two additional abandonments (one when I was hospitalized for 3 months with severe depression) and finally, the effects of a terrible divorce following a 20-year marriage.
In addition, at about age 14, he began telling us that he was molested by an older boy when he was 7. More details have come out in the last year but it is hard to know if his mind is remembering things correctly. At 12, he began self-medicating with drugs and alcohol and was a full-fledged addict by about 14. He spent time in substance abuse programs, halfway houses and overdosed four times. Finally, at 19, his father brought him home to live with his grandmother. He did well there, remaining clean for 18 months, going to AA, etc. But he did not have a job and was extremely isolated at home with his grandmother. We now know that he sometime during that period at his grandmother's, he began viewing child pornography.
I know that my son committed a crime and must pay the consequences. However, it is hard for me to believe that the molestation, his mood disorder, his addiction (I think he just traded one addiction for another) and the isolation he experienced did not contribute in a major way to his foray into the world of child pornography..
All of the above either contribute to, or are a result of mental illness. Yet, I do not believe for a moment, that any of it will be taken into account. I do not believe he will receive the help he needs and that they will see to it that he get his medication.. I fear this his life is over at 20. I fear for his life when he gets out of prison. whether his sentence is long or short. However, I am trying to be hopeful for him, because if I don't have hope, how can he?
However, the truth is that I am so distraught that I don't know what to do with the pain that I am feeling, as the mother of a 20-year-old child whose life may never be the same, and for my son who is feeling my pain times many times over.....
I do have a wonderful therapist and she will not stand in judgement. But she has not walked in my shoes or yours.
I sent my son a letter with this saying: "At any given moment you have the power to say: This is not how the story is going to end" (author unknown). Perhaps this will help some of you.
.
Please, if you have words to help me deal with my grief, words of wisdom or just plain advice, I welcome it.
J
No need for apologies. We are all blessed that you are willing to give your time. You make several good points about how, and whether or not to hire a private attorney. I do not have the money and would be putting myself in a great deal of debt. The "respect thing" really hit home, as the PD is so inexperienced. I will see if I can find out what the judge's M.O is. Like you said, if he tends to rules the same way no matter what, then it is fruitless to worry about who the attorney is. I will work on that.
Thanks.
J
After speaking with a dear friend who is very wise (and also an attorney), I have decided not to hire an attorney. Having made that decision, what is appropriate when it comes to communicating with the PD? Can I simply e-mail or call him and ask what is going on with the case? My son cannot discuss the details over the phone since the call is being recorded. Also, I am 2 1/2 hours away from him and have a job. Any suggestions?
sometimes it was hard to get ahold of my sons lawyer and i would email him to know when a good time to call would be, i was not comfortable talking about the case in detail through email. use your time with him wisely and be prepared.
i sent my son books and articles i found on the net, some to do with the issues but mostly fun stories, interesting history, that kind of thing, and it gave us something to talk about when i visited him, lighten things up best i could.
I am not allowed to send my son books, but I can donate paperbacks to their library. He is not much of a reader but I have encouraged him to read to help pass the time. As I said, he seems to be doing okay. Even though I made the decision not to hire an attorney, I'm still not 100% comfortable with my decision. This is making me both sad and crazy...
J
Actually, I have already been in touch with the PD and have sent him a letter about my son's history and have requested character references from friends and family. He has said I could call anytime. However, my concern is how to make sure that I am being informed when there is a change of some sort. It sounds like I need to take the initiative and contact him, and that it would be best to do it by e-mail.
Thank you.
J
Today I spoke with an attorney who specializes in sex crimes. I told him that I wanted to be his only point of contact if I retain him. How can I make sure that if I decide to retain him, that he speaks only to my son and me? If I am the one retaining him, does this fall under the attorney-client privilege clause? I do not want my ex speaking to him as that will put me right back in the same situation-he will talk with my ex and my ex won't share the information with me.
Thank you.
J
p.s. I hope that you will decide to share your story one day....
I think you are smart to lay down the rules if you are the one paying for the lawyer - good luck with that.
First, tell your son not to answer any questions without an attorney. For any reason.
They will try to get him to make a guilty pllea.
He should know that there is no appeal process for a guilty plea. There is no recourse.
The Prosecutor can promise anything they want to and both sides can agree to it. It is NOT binding on the court. The judge can stil ldo what ever teh judge wants to. Reduardless of what the law says.
Now in a trial situation a judge that does what a judge wantsto do reguardless of the law, may constitute reversable error. In a ple arrangement, it very likely will never be heard.
Disclaimer: I am not an attorney and I make no representation as such. My advice is based on personal experience and a vastknowlege of the laws gained from many years of fighting for the rights of others as an activist.
Since the prison does have a library, I have encouraged my son to use it. He really is not much of a reader so I think I would be wasting my money. I'm not sure if you can share this-was your son charged at the state and federal levels? This is something that has come up recently with regard to my son. Has your son already received his sentence?
This is all so terrible, isn't it? I go to sleep thinking about it, wake up thinking about and think about it all day. Working helps some but then it is hard to concentrate on my work. It's almost as if I am afraid to allow myself to laugh or have any fun, or am even able to have any fun, knowing that my son is behind bars. I'm a musician and playing does help-my music has always helped me in times of crisis. Thank God for that..
His father just returned from a week in Las Vegas with his wife. How could he?
Sending prayers for you and your son.....
J
I just saw this now, and will respond tomorrow.
Adam
My son has signed his plea but still not public and so he has not yet been sentenced. I know how you feel about having fun, smiling, etc. I still feel like that.I feel guilty making or eating something my son liked or going to a restaurant we went to together. Felt terrible shopping for Christmas without him. All the emotions you are going through so many of also do. That is what is great about this group/site - you can cry and whine here everyday and everybody understands all those feelings (except of course the "other" group) which hopefully is gone.
No one can take away our feelings for our loved ones. I love my son unconditionally and always will. I will always hate the "crime" (even hard to say it was a crime).
Funny....my son was also not a reader until he got to prison...he told his Aunt - you know I think you and my mom have something here...we were always readers. In 7 mos. he probably has read at least 30 books if not more. They pass them around where he is now. The first place they "hoarded" them....lol.
Want to ask something personal - just message me. I am usually around!
I have to reply right away or I will forget to! As far as the books, I hope my son will become a reader because I have been a serious one since I was a little girl. I get nervous if I don't have four or five books waiting for me.
It sounds like the process for your son has been long. I am so sorry to hear that, but, I think it's going to go the same way for mine. Am still wavering on hiring an attorney-we will see if he gets back to me like he promised.
Do you mind if I ask what you meant by the "other" group?
J
The other group were the ones coming over starting trouble with us. I know one was banned and I think the other one should be too. But regardless I think the "leader" is gone.