Families of SOs Community Group
WE HAVE MOVED!!! ............................. ............................... ......................... ............................ ............................. .......................... HERE: http://support-for-families.boards.net ............. ................ ............... ................ ............................... .................Please create a profile...
Hello,
My 20-year-old son was arrested about a week ago on charges of child pornography, both viewing and distributing (through a sharing file). It is very serious as they say he already has five counts and is expected to have more charges, He is currently in prison. His father (we're not together) and I decided not to bail him out because we are afraid that he will harm himself (he has been severely depressed for a long time) or run. Also we believe that time served in the small prison he is in will be better than the conditions at the state prison.
My heart is broken for my son. He has had a very difficult life but others stand in judgement of him. He is adopted and has suffered two additional abandonments (one when I was hospitalized for 3 months with severe depression) and finally, the effects of a terrible divorce following a 20-year marriage.
In addition, at about age 14, he began telling us that he was molested by an older boy when he was 7. More details have come out in the last year but it is hard to know if his mind is remembering things correctly. At 12, he began self-medicating with drugs and alcohol and was a full-fledged addict by about 14. He spent time in substance abuse programs, halfway houses and overdosed four times. Finally, at 19, his father brought him home to live with his grandmother. He did well there, remaining clean for 18 months, going to AA, etc. But he did not have a job and was extremely isolated at home with his grandmother. We now know that he sometime during that period at his grandmother's, he began viewing child pornography.
I know that my son committed a crime and must pay the consequences. However, it is hard for me to believe that the molestation, his mood disorder, his addiction (I think he just traded one addiction for another) and the isolation he experienced did not contribute in a major way to his foray into the world of child pornography..
All of the above either contribute to, or are a result of mental illness. Yet, I do not believe for a moment, that any of it will be taken into account. I do not believe he will receive the help he needs and that they will see to it that he get his medication.. I fear this his life is over at 20. I fear for his life when he gets out of prison. whether his sentence is long or short. However, I am trying to be hopeful for him, because if I don't have hope, how can he?
However, the truth is that I am so distraught that I don't know what to do with the pain that I am feeling, as the mother of a 20-year-old child whose life may never be the same, and for my son who is feeling my pain times many times over.....
I do have a wonderful therapist and she will not stand in judgement. But she has not walked in my shoes or yours.
I sent my son a letter with this saying: "At any given moment you have the power to say: This is not how the story is going to end" (author unknown). Perhaps this will help some of you.
.
Please, if you have words to help me deal with my grief, words of wisdom or just plain advice, I welcome it.
J
My 20-year-old son was arrested about a week ago on charges of child pornography, both viewing and distributing (through a sharing file). It is very serious as they say he already has five counts and is expected to have more charges, He is currently in prison. His father (we're not together) and I decided not to bail him out because we are afraid that he will harm himself (he has been severely depressed for a long time) or run. Also we believe that time served in the small prison he is in will be better than the conditions at the state prison.
My heart is broken for my son. He has had a very difficult life but others stand in judgement of him. He is adopted and has suffered two additional abandonments (one when I was hospitalized for 3 months with severe depression) and finally, the effects of a terrible divorce following a 20-year marriage.
In addition, at about age 14, he began telling us that he was molested by an older boy when he was 7. More details have come out in the last year but it is hard to know if his mind is remembering things correctly. At 12, he began self-medicating with drugs and alcohol and was a full-fledged addict by about 14. He spent time in substance abuse programs, halfway houses and overdosed four times. Finally, at 19, his father brought him home to live with his grandmother. He did well there, remaining clean for 18 months, going to AA, etc. But he did not have a job and was extremely isolated at home with his grandmother. We now know that he sometime during that period at his grandmother's, he began viewing child pornography.
I know that my son committed a crime and must pay the consequences. However, it is hard for me to believe that the molestation, his mood disorder, his addiction (I think he just traded one addiction for another) and the isolation he experienced did not contribute in a major way to his foray into the world of child pornography..
All of the above either contribute to, or are a result of mental illness. Yet, I do not believe for a moment, that any of it will be taken into account. I do not believe he will receive the help he needs and that they will see to it that he get his medication.. I fear this his life is over at 20. I fear for his life when he gets out of prison. whether his sentence is long or short. However, I am trying to be hopeful for him, because if I don't have hope, how can he?
However, the truth is that I am so distraught that I don't know what to do with the pain that I am feeling, as the mother of a 20-year-old child whose life may never be the same, and for my son who is feeling my pain times many times over.....
I do have a wonderful therapist and she will not stand in judgement. But she has not walked in my shoes or yours.
I sent my son a letter with this saying: "At any given moment you have the power to say: This is not how the story is going to end" (author unknown). Perhaps this will help some of you.
.
Please, if you have words to help me deal with my grief, words of wisdom or just plain advice, I welcome it.
J
Glad to hear.
Adam
I have been thinking about the fact that some will judge my son and me. But my philosophy is: care more about what you think than what others think. If I lose a friend, then he or she wasn't really a true friend.
My son was arrested about 10 days ago, so we are in the beginning stages..
If you feel comfortable, I encourage you to share your story. It was very cathartic for me and the support on the board is amazing...
J
My son's PD has accepted a letter about the history of my son and has now asked that I start collecting character references. I am really nervous about contacting people to ask for letters, as most of them do not know that my son has been arrested. Any advice?
Prayers to everyone...
J
1) Make sure that your references do not minimize the crime. Whatever one believes about the severity of the charges, this is not the place to include it. You might have a judge who believes the crime to be extremely serious, and will disregard any contrary references.
2) It helps if a reference is aware of the charges. A reference that says "I don't know what this is all about, but Johnny is a good boy" is likely to be dismissed because the judge will naturally ask: "would the reference say this if she actually knew what Johnny is accused of?" It is better for a reference to say something to the effect of "I am aware of the accusations against Johnny but I nonetheless believe that..."
3) Judges get many generic letters. You do not want a letter that is two sentences long and simply says Johnny is a really good person. It is very persuasive if there are examples. For instance, "Johnny helped my sick mother when nobody was available," or "Johnny organized a blood drive," or even "Johnny saw I was shivering and gladly gave me his coat, even though he would be cold."
4) Letters should begin by stating the reference's name, on whose behalf she is writing, and how she knows the defendant. If the reference has a prominent/respected occupation, note that too. For example: "My name is Roberta Smith, and I write on behalf of Johnny, whom I have known for almost a decade in my position as a nun at St. Michael's cathedral, which he attends."
5) Look for a diversity of references. Include family, friends, employers, clergy, teachers, etc. Family members are great for the most detail, but remember that judges view them as being most biased, so it is important to have a variety from different sources.
These are just guidelines. Don't worry if you can't meet all, or most of them. Just try your best. Once you've gotten a few, you can show them to the PD and ask whether he thinks you should widen the net and try to get more of them.
Thank you so much for taking the time to provide us with so much advice. You were the one who gave me the courage to call the PD myself and now I am so glad I did. It has made me feel as if I am contributing in some way and has also made me feel empowered with respect to my ex.
Thank you again.
J
God Bless all of us...
I have talked with a few people and have done some research on this type of letter. As you said, what you say and don't say are very important. I plan to send an e-mail to those who have agreed with instructions on the format of the letter and suggestions about what to say, not say and again, as you said, how to talk about the person. They say details about specific situations are important. It has been so hard telling people, but they have been supportive.
How are things going on your end?
Thanks for writing. You have been very supportive...
J
Thanks for listening!!
Thanks so much for the kind words. I'm glad to have made a difference.
Adam
It is so hard for me to imagine that they would require that your sign a plea admitting to things he didn't do. What could possibly be gained from that? I understand your sadness. There are so many levels on which we have to deal with this: going through the process, dealing with the sentence imposed and wondering if our sons will ever have a normal life again. I cry with you every day, but the one thing that has helped so far is getting involved, writing about my son's history and working on gathering character references. It makes me feel like I am doing something to help my son, since there is not much we are allowed to do.
Thank you for continuing to support me in the group. I will be thinking about you and I am ALWAYS here to listen if you need to talk.
Hugs,
J
Al Anon meetings to go to but we do have "Daily Strength"....
Keeping a journal has also helped me. I write in it everyday - good or bad.
J
I plan to visit him on Friday.
J
Crushed - get used to hearings being moved...it happens constantly. There is no rhyme or reason to what the justice system does.
Again it's 7 mos and my son has not had his hearing to go back to plead guilty.
Hang in there...hope the visit goes well! I live for my weekend visits....