Families of SOs Community Group
WE HAVE MOVED!!! ............................. ............................... ......................... ............................ ............................. .......................... HERE: http://support-for-families.boards.net ............. ................ ............... ................ ............................... .................Please create a profile...
Hello,
My 20-year-old son was arrested about a week ago on charges of child pornography, both viewing and distributing (through a sharing file). It is very serious as they say he already has five counts and is expected to have more charges, He is currently in prison. His father (we're not together) and I decided not to bail him out because we are afraid that he will harm himself (he has been severely depressed for a long time) or run. Also we believe that time served in the small prison he is in will be better than the conditions at the state prison.
My heart is broken for my son. He has had a very difficult life but others stand in judgement of him. He is adopted and has suffered two additional abandonments (one when I was hospitalized for 3 months with severe depression) and finally, the effects of a terrible divorce following a 20-year marriage.
In addition, at about age 14, he began telling us that he was molested by an older boy when he was 7. More details have come out in the last year but it is hard to know if his mind is remembering things correctly. At 12, he began self-medicating with drugs and alcohol and was a full-fledged addict by about 14. He spent time in substance abuse programs, halfway houses and overdosed four times. Finally, at 19, his father brought him home to live with his grandmother. He did well there, remaining clean for 18 months, going to AA, etc. But he did not have a job and was extremely isolated at home with his grandmother. We now know that he sometime during that period at his grandmother's, he began viewing child pornography.
I know that my son committed a crime and must pay the consequences. However, it is hard for me to believe that the molestation, his mood disorder, his addiction (I think he just traded one addiction for another) and the isolation he experienced did not contribute in a major way to his foray into the world of child pornography..
All of the above either contribute to, or are a result of mental illness. Yet, I do not believe for a moment, that any of it will be taken into account. I do not believe he will receive the help he needs and that they will see to it that he get his medication.. I fear this his life is over at 20. I fear for his life when he gets out of prison. whether his sentence is long or short. However, I am trying to be hopeful for him, because if I don't have hope, how can he?
However, the truth is that I am so distraught that I don't know what to do with the pain that I am feeling, as the mother of a 20-year-old child whose life may never be the same, and for my son who is feeling my pain times many times over.....
I do have a wonderful therapist and she will not stand in judgement. But she has not walked in my shoes or yours.
I sent my son a letter with this saying: "At any given moment you have the power to say: This is not how the story is going to end" (author unknown). Perhaps this will help some of you.
.
Please, if you have words to help me deal with my grief, words of wisdom or just plain advice, I welcome it.
J
My 20-year-old son was arrested about a week ago on charges of child pornography, both viewing and distributing (through a sharing file). It is very serious as they say he already has five counts and is expected to have more charges, He is currently in prison. His father (we're not together) and I decided not to bail him out because we are afraid that he will harm himself (he has been severely depressed for a long time) or run. Also we believe that time served in the small prison he is in will be better than the conditions at the state prison.
My heart is broken for my son. He has had a very difficult life but others stand in judgement of him. He is adopted and has suffered two additional abandonments (one when I was hospitalized for 3 months with severe depression) and finally, the effects of a terrible divorce following a 20-year marriage.
In addition, at about age 14, he began telling us that he was molested by an older boy when he was 7. More details have come out in the last year but it is hard to know if his mind is remembering things correctly. At 12, he began self-medicating with drugs and alcohol and was a full-fledged addict by about 14. He spent time in substance abuse programs, halfway houses and overdosed four times. Finally, at 19, his father brought him home to live with his grandmother. He did well there, remaining clean for 18 months, going to AA, etc. But he did not have a job and was extremely isolated at home with his grandmother. We now know that he sometime during that period at his grandmother's, he began viewing child pornography.
I know that my son committed a crime and must pay the consequences. However, it is hard for me to believe that the molestation, his mood disorder, his addiction (I think he just traded one addiction for another) and the isolation he experienced did not contribute in a major way to his foray into the world of child pornography..
All of the above either contribute to, or are a result of mental illness. Yet, I do not believe for a moment, that any of it will be taken into account. I do not believe he will receive the help he needs and that they will see to it that he get his medication.. I fear this his life is over at 20. I fear for his life when he gets out of prison. whether his sentence is long or short. However, I am trying to be hopeful for him, because if I don't have hope, how can he?
However, the truth is that I am so distraught that I don't know what to do with the pain that I am feeling, as the mother of a 20-year-old child whose life may never be the same, and for my son who is feeling my pain times many times over.....
I do have a wonderful therapist and she will not stand in judgement. But she has not walked in my shoes or yours.
I sent my son a letter with this saying: "At any given moment you have the power to say: This is not how the story is going to end" (author unknown). Perhaps this will help some of you.
.
Please, if you have words to help me deal with my grief, words of wisdom or just plain advice, I welcome it.
J
Of course, it is best if your husband would play ball and work together for the common good. However, if he won't, there is no reason for you to sit idly by. I would reach out to the PD yourself. To do this, you will likely need your son's permission. As he is no longer a minor, the PD technically represents him, not you, and thus may not be willing to discuss anything with you absent your son's permission. Once you have permission, then you can communicate with the PD. You can ask the PD to keep your ex informed so that you are not duplicating effort or acting inconsistently.
Adam
Thanks for the kind words!
Adam
My son said he would give me the PD's number tomorrow if his dad wouldn't communicate. Sadly, my son, at 20, is very aware of the animosity between his father and me. One of my concerns is that my ex will try to prevent me from communicating with the PD. He has his ways and is very difficult. For example, he may try to discredit me by telling the PD that I have a mood disorder-things of that nature. He has done it before, even though I have been stabalized for almost 14 years.
J
It is not likely that I will be able to get my ex to work with me. I could write and explain the emotional aspect of this situation (working together, importance of letters, etc.) and he will just ignore me. If it goes to trial, I might have to pull a fast one and just sit down next to him in court where he can't do anything about it! I know that it is so important to present a united front even if you have to fake it. This is our son's life! We'll see what happens...
J
Your ex may try, and there is little you can do to prevent it if he won't be reasonable. My best advice is to communicate directly with the PD and remain as professional as possible. Tell the attorney you want to help and would like some guidance on letters. That you may be a gremlin or a lunatic--whatever your ex might say--has little to do with your ability to get letters that the attorney can then review. You can even explain, though do it briefly, that there is some bad blood but that you want to focus on your son.
Adam
Actually, he is the gremlin and I am the lunatic! Thank you for the laugh! Even in the midst of all of this, laughter is still good for the soul. You have been so kind and helpful...
J
I send a prayer to each of you that you are seeing,or will soon see, progress or a positive change.
J
I send a prayer to each of you that you are seeing,or will soon see, progress or a positive change.
J
It is a difficult situation to be in and making decisions to protect your son is probably best. Many will judge him and you as well - I have learned that people make assumptions, judgements on very limited information and there is nothing we can do about it. We have to accept what is and move on to what we believe is most important.
what kind of a prison is he in? state or federal?