Families of SOs Community Group
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Hello,
My 20-year-old son was arrested about a week ago on charges of child pornography, both viewing and distributing (through a sharing file). It is very serious as they say he already has five counts and is expected to have more charges, He is currently in prison. His father (we're not together) and I decided not to bail him out because we are afraid that he will harm himself (he has been severely depressed for a long time) or run. Also we believe that time served in the small prison he is in will be better than the conditions at the state prison.
My heart is broken for my son. He has had a very difficult life but others stand in judgement of him. He is adopted and has suffered two additional abandonments (one when I was hospitalized for 3 months with severe depression) and finally, the effects of a terrible divorce following a 20-year marriage.
In addition, at about age 14, he began telling us that he was molested by an older boy when he was 7. More details have come out in the last year but it is hard to know if his mind is remembering things correctly. At 12, he began self-medicating with drugs and alcohol and was a full-fledged addict by about 14. He spent time in substance abuse programs, halfway houses and overdosed four times. Finally, at 19, his father brought him home to live with his grandmother. He did well there, remaining clean for 18 months, going to AA, etc. But he did not have a job and was extremely isolated at home with his grandmother. We now know that he sometime during that period at his grandmother's, he began viewing child pornography.
I know that my son committed a crime and must pay the consequences. However, it is hard for me to believe that the molestation, his mood disorder, his addiction (I think he just traded one addiction for another) and the isolation he experienced did not contribute in a major way to his foray into the world of child pornography..
All of the above either contribute to, or are a result of mental illness. Yet, I do not believe for a moment, that any of it will be taken into account. I do not believe he will receive the help he needs and that they will see to it that he get his medication.. I fear this his life is over at 20. I fear for his life when he gets out of prison. whether his sentence is long or short. However, I am trying to be hopeful for him, because if I don't have hope, how can he?
However, the truth is that I am so distraught that I don't know what to do with the pain that I am feeling, as the mother of a 20-year-old child whose life may never be the same, and for my son who is feeling my pain times many times over.....
I do have a wonderful therapist and she will not stand in judgement. But she has not walked in my shoes or yours.
I sent my son a letter with this saying: "At any given moment you have the power to say: This is not how the story is going to end" (author unknown). Perhaps this will help some of you.
.
Please, if you have words to help me deal with my grief, words of wisdom or just plain advice, I welcome it.
J
My 20-year-old son was arrested about a week ago on charges of child pornography, both viewing and distributing (through a sharing file). It is very serious as they say he already has five counts and is expected to have more charges, He is currently in prison. His father (we're not together) and I decided not to bail him out because we are afraid that he will harm himself (he has been severely depressed for a long time) or run. Also we believe that time served in the small prison he is in will be better than the conditions at the state prison.
My heart is broken for my son. He has had a very difficult life but others stand in judgement of him. He is adopted and has suffered two additional abandonments (one when I was hospitalized for 3 months with severe depression) and finally, the effects of a terrible divorce following a 20-year marriage.
In addition, at about age 14, he began telling us that he was molested by an older boy when he was 7. More details have come out in the last year but it is hard to know if his mind is remembering things correctly. At 12, he began self-medicating with drugs and alcohol and was a full-fledged addict by about 14. He spent time in substance abuse programs, halfway houses and overdosed four times. Finally, at 19, his father brought him home to live with his grandmother. He did well there, remaining clean for 18 months, going to AA, etc. But he did not have a job and was extremely isolated at home with his grandmother. We now know that he sometime during that period at his grandmother's, he began viewing child pornography.
I know that my son committed a crime and must pay the consequences. However, it is hard for me to believe that the molestation, his mood disorder, his addiction (I think he just traded one addiction for another) and the isolation he experienced did not contribute in a major way to his foray into the world of child pornography..
All of the above either contribute to, or are a result of mental illness. Yet, I do not believe for a moment, that any of it will be taken into account. I do not believe he will receive the help he needs and that they will see to it that he get his medication.. I fear this his life is over at 20. I fear for his life when he gets out of prison. whether his sentence is long or short. However, I am trying to be hopeful for him, because if I don't have hope, how can he?
However, the truth is that I am so distraught that I don't know what to do with the pain that I am feeling, as the mother of a 20-year-old child whose life may never be the same, and for my son who is feeling my pain times many times over.....
I do have a wonderful therapist and she will not stand in judgement. But she has not walked in my shoes or yours.
I sent my son a letter with this saying: "At any given moment you have the power to say: This is not how the story is going to end" (author unknown). Perhaps this will help some of you.
.
Please, if you have words to help me deal with my grief, words of wisdom or just plain advice, I welcome it.
J
This is a great group. You can come here to vent, ask questions or just read. We are here for you.
I believe this is a federal case because the FBI are involved. How does that impact my son versus it being a state case? Did you get a private attorney? My ex is an attorney but will not pay for a private attorney. I am of the mind that this may be too serious of a charge to leave in the hands of a public defender. I would have to borrow the money for a private attorney.. What are your thoughts on the above?
Again, thank you for responding....
J
My son hired a private attorney at the price tag of 20k. We gave him a retainer of 5k and I am currently in the process of trying to refinance my home to pay the balance. Right now my credit score is too low to do that. At the last hearing, the one before Thanksgiving, the fancy pants attorney had my son sign a plea agreement. The same thing will happen next month. Im in debt 15k so that my son can sign a plea agreement. Im not a happy camper but trying to keep my faith in the attorney. He is a big "Power Attorney" who has lots of experience with Fed cases, so Im hoping he will do something grand over my sons fed case....but Im not holding my breath.
As mothers, we have to hold on to hope. Thats all we have at this point. I fear for my sons life daily and for what the future holds for him. I also worry that he will take his life. He was suicidal the day the feds busted him. He was admitted to a psych ward for 3 days. He is depressed, stays home, wont do anything but play video games. He needs medication and therapy but I cant force him. All I can do is pray for him. My faith is getting me thru this. At this point, my son cant even come to my home because I live in another state, even though its only 60 miles from him. The holidays are going to be rough for all of us.
Im dont post alot here, because we are still in the court process....but I read all the post. Im glad you found us. A great, supportive group here. Im also at www.prisontalk.com. There is a great group there of nothing but parents with kids in prison. You should join us there too. Hugggsssss
you may want to contact the lieutentant at your county and see if there is anyway you can get your son the psychiatric care he needs, it can make that much of a difference when they know you are out there taking an active roll in his well being, otherwise he will not get the care he needs in county.
we also had a public defender. one thing i have noticed is that even those that paid big bucks for a private attorney did not fare much better in this matter, my take on this is that few lawyers whether public or not are not as educated in c.p. laws (that were not on the books when they studied law) and are not as familiar with how to fight them, but more than willing to take your money all the same, with the same results. you may want to look into a younger lawyer that may be more educated on internet crimes.
it is nice to hear that you are not giving up on him. find as many friends and family as you can to let him know he has support and will be there for him. he will need the assurance as he is undoubtably very down on himself. my son has taken the past year to contemplate his actions, and what he needs to do to improve his outlook, i hope your son is able to do the same. somehow we will overcome, we are in good company and the support i have found still astonishes me.
keep in touch with us, you will find some very solid advice and a good education besides.
Thank you again.
J
I think the letters are useful at sentencing as far as where they send him and what level. I know the judge can reject the plea but cannot lower anything in it as far as years or supervision afterwards.
Sometimes I think death would be easier because this will never end. After prison they have Megan's Law & Supervised for lifetime - it is just another prison sentence to me. It's like they do their time and then do their time again....
Thank you for writing. I believe that my son also "distributed" through file sharing. I do know that the FBI is involved so I guess that makes it federal. I do not know if he was part of a ring.
As much as I love and adore my son, I agree with you that unless he is able to turn things around for himself through advocacy or another avenue, his life will never again be normal. My son suffers from depression and it is hard to imagine how he will deal with the aftermath of prison as well as all that came before, and be able to remain intact emotionally. That is the main reason that his dad and I did not bond him out-we were afraid he would harm himself.
I believe my son meets with his attorney next week and the process will begin. I will check out the websites you have suggested and thank you again.
J
You are so right that we have to separate the crime from the person. My son, minus the things his addiction makes him do, is a sweet, empathetic young man.
I have decided to call the prison later today to speak with someone about his medication, etc. My support is in the form of my therapist and a couple of my friends that I have trusted enough to tell at this point. I love my family (parents, siblings) but I don't know how supportive they will be. They were not very supportive when he was using because they were concerned about me. I finally had to tell them that he was my son and I would not allow any more negative talk about him (but I'm sure I contributed to their negativity as he mistreated me during the worst of his using and I complained about him), But I put a stop to all of that. One of my fears is that my ex will receive information and will not take the initiative to share it with me (although I've have asked him to). I feel that it would be in my son's best interests for us to pull together in support of our son despite the way we feel about each other, but I don't see it happening.
Perhaps I will get some news about my son later today. Fortunately, my mother-in-law (with whom things were great until a few months ago) will visit every time my ex visits, as her house is on the way. She will share information with me, even though we are not on the greatest of terms.
J
Welcome to the Club, but I know its not a Club you want to belong to. Please check daily & keep us updated,also. I know you & your family are just in the beginning stages of this tragic mess, but hang in, and look for support wherever you go. It does help.
My son's case is earily similar to your sons ( my son was 28 when arrested). As far as I know, most if not all CP cases are tried in Federal court. It is a felony to posess, distribute or create CP, so, yes the Feds will be involved. Also, as someone stated, the Federal guidelines for incarceration are incredibly severe, even for first time convictions. Also, in the Federal system, an inmate must serve 85% of his sentence, whereas in State cases, I believe it's 65%. One bright spot ( if you can call it that), is that the Federal prisons SEEM to be better to serve time in than most State facillities--at least here in Florida, that's the case. Also, visiting hrs are longer in Fed than State. I know when my son was being held in a County jail in Georgia, visiting hrs. were Sat. only from 9am-12noon, and you had 15mins. per adult..30mins total--We had to drive 6hrs to see him for 15mins..--it really sucked!!
As far as your son getting the mental help he needs, don't bank on it!! My son was told just the other day, he is on a list to get his teeth cleaned...next available appt. is May-2013!!--He has been in prison just over 3yrs...
My son had a public defender, and at first, I was very skeptical ( the guy's law firm specialized in Real Estate Law??--wtf!!)--Anyway, as it turned out, he really did work hard for my son, but in the end, his sentence was 180months (15yrs..) for 1 count of receipt of CP.....I have heard it from many that a high-priced lawyer is no gurantee, especially if they have never tried a CP case. I hope the best for you and your son...keep fighting, and be very attentive of all the happenings right now. There are some what they call "downward departures" in the sentencing phase, especially if your son has knowledge of others of doing this, or being part of a "ring". My son was not--he downloaded, & viewed it, and yes, because he used Limewire, a file sharing program, he got stuck with a "possible" distribution charge, which was bogus from the get-go, however added 5yrs to his sentence.
I know this letter is not a happy one, but you will get through this--and so will your son.
He has five counts and they said there are expected to be more as he was using a file-sharing program as well. Yet, ironically, one of my neighbors was found with cp on his computer at work and at home (I think) and I think he was part of a ring. He served only 3 months. How is that possible?
Could you explain the term "downward departure" in more detail, please?
Thanks again.
J
J
You asked how your neighbor could only get 3 months. That would be because he was charged on a state level. Many state sentences are little to no time incarcerated and sometimes just probation and the registry. Federal sentences are much more harsh and could be from 5 to 20 years. 5 years for mostly possession charges, but much more severe for possession and either receiving or distributing cp. They consider file sharing to be distributing.
Also, we did have a "super" lawyer that we paid for and he did the best job that he could. He did have experience with this situation. We started out with a different attorney, but after questioning him and he did not have any experience with cp cases, we switched immediately. We had to do some research to end up with the right attorney. That is the MOST IMPORTANT thing I would tell anyone facing this - get an attorney that has EXPERIENCE with this situation. I agree with others here that it does not seem to make much difference whether they used a paid attorney or a public defender, the sentences are still harsh. If you use a public defender tell them to go to fd.org and read everything there under the cp section.
Good luck with everything.
Welcome to the group RickandLucy!