While there is breath, there is hope.

You have endured a very long hard road where few have walked and are still walking it which means you haven't given up hope completely. It also means you are stronger than you think you are or feel and stronger than most people. You are still here with us and that is the most important thing because of a three letter word: YET

You haven't found the answers YET to your situation but there is are answers.

7 billion people on this planet and someone out there would love to be your friend and think the world of you, but you haven't found them YET.

There are solutions to your relationship heartaches and childhood pain, but you haven't found them YET.

Don't give up YET. There is a purpose for you being here on earth though you may not have had the chance to figure out your life purpose YET.

I have gone through deep piercings of heart, unbelievable betrayals, stinging rejection. I know what it is like to have an "urge or attack" just come upon me with thoughts of ending it. Every person sooner or later in their life will at least face that ugly monster of suicide that tries to beat us down and defeat us. You maybe haven't conqueored that beast YET but you can and you will.

Biggest thing I've found is some medications and antidepressants actually have suicide as a side effect so here is someone with suicidal thinking being given something that has that as a side effect. Go figure? Some of the drugs you listed may even have a class action law suit against the company that makes them. Check that out online.

The other big thing is that all the dark negative feelings first come as dark and negative lies that we receive into our minds sometimes innocently and then dwell on them. You can't stop a bird from landing on your head but you can stop it from building a nest there. It is when we agree with the lie that we give it power and then these negative feelings come after.

Example--Lie: nobody really cares about me. If we agree with this lie and then think more about it, it lodges in our minds and these negative feelings then come that we weren't even feeling before that thought entered our heads.

The truth: there are people who really do care about you even if they havent expressed it lately or adequately or in a way that makes you feel cared about--they stiil care--even if they dont say it or outwardly express it. It doesn't mean they don't care.You have received the lie thought that they don't and then you feel like they don't and you feel rejection. Then the rejection feeling seems to validate the lie more.

This is a pattern that happens with that suicide beast. My oldest daughter thought these lies--that I didn't love her--and she killed herself. I loved her more dearly than words could express and now the grief, gaping hole in my heart, and intense heartache never goes away.

Please don't believe the lie that your family doesn't care or that it wouldn't affect them. The truth is they would be hurt beyond belief and experience such traumatic pain that you can't even imagine unless you have gone through the suicide death of your own child. If you have, then you wouldn't desire to have anyone else go through that kind of pain.

My Mom always said that good healthy food, lots of clean water, a good sleep, and some fresh air keeps one heathly in body and mind as it keeps our body strong which gives us
positive feelings and thoughts.

Out of 7 billion people on the planet, there is only 1 you. No clones or exact copies. Only you have your set of fingerprints, your personality, your skills, your talents and no-one else is exactly like you or can ever replace you.

Therefore since you are a completely unique one-of-a-kind you are priceless and irreplaceable. That makes you valuable and with great worth for just being here on the planet. But you have a special purpose for being here and that purpose hasn't been accomplished YET!!


Maybe some little girl in India would be thrilled to receive a letter from you and be given a chance to learn to read and write with your help of a $1 a day. These little childrem are so greatful for their sponsors and work diligently at their studies with diligence and thankful hearts. Maybe you would like to volunteer at the shelter to go walk a dog once a week and help encourage a lonely animal that is brokenhearted and homeless. There may be other ways you are needed in this world. It isn't your time to go. It is your time to stay and share yourself with someone who needs you. Maybe someone even on this DS site that can be encouraged by you to hold on and have hope.

While there is brearh, there is Hope!

The thing is, not that I feel rejection or my family's lack of care, I know they do very much, but I don't care. I could care less about anything in the world. I'm obviously here to try to care but thats because of the reason previously stated and to avoid the 5 seconds of pain from smashing my head into the pavement from a 240 foot drop or slicing my arms up as long as possible because obviously, ouch. I've grown numb to everything. Life is a chore to me, and I'm not talking about work, finances, relationships, I have absolutely no problems with any of that. I have a great job, I am well off at my age, and I am content with being alone. However, even going on vacation, or finding friends or doing enjoyable activities is a chore that I just don't care about and don't find enjoyable. The world is and will always be a shitty place so I don't care.
I'd rather die than be in this miserable world. I know you mean well when telling me all these things I'm possibly waiting on I haven't found yet, but the reality is I don't even really care to find any of them. I don't want friends, I don't want a relationship nor am I waging for anything else. I just want everything to stop and go away forever. There is no singular situation or handful of them that feeds my depression, I just want to die because life is miserable and boring. I just don't care about life, at all.

I feel the same. There is no meaning in life. I have to pay a lot to feel better.

There isn't, I don't wanna be here anymore. I won't pay for anything either. There is nothing anyone has ever said to me to make me feel like life might a better option than death.

Not sure what your experience has been to cause you to think that this world is only awful when there are some amazing people (maybe you haven't met yet) and some incredible beauty and beautiful places in the earth that maybe you haven't experienced yet either.

The fact that you replied shows that you really do care but haven't found the way out of your apathy yet.

One of my daughters sits in apathy. She says she doesn't care but in reality she really does deep down inside. She was very deeply damaged by her bio dad when she was young and therefore ambivalent which is a form of protection. She doesn't want to be deeply hurt or deeply disappointed again so she has apathy as a shield of protection. She actually is a very deeply compassionate and caring person (though you wouldn't know it from the outside) and has avoided getting involved in anything important to her or with anyone else for fear of it going sour and not working out like so many other things that have gone south in her life before. She has become pessimistic and lives for the next high which is another form of escape.

You don't know what is on the other side of death's door. What if it is worse than what you are experiencing right now- -especially if you go before your time. There is no reversal if you make a mistake. No second chance to come back. It is final. What would happen if you were worse off and then stuck there not being able to come back. Your family not being able to see you again. You not being able to see them again. That is a huge risk and gamble that could be worse than death.

Death is NOT an answer or an option at all but solving the pain and problems you face is an answer. Even if you haven't found a solution yet.


.

Hey. This probably doesn't sound legit but I do understand, somewhat, anyway (of course not fully, were different people with different lives/experiences). But I've been depressed since 12/13 ish, and I have gone to the hospital and they basically forced me to stay. At the end I literally said "I would rather die than be here!" So, in other words, I totally 100% relate to the hating psych wards thing. I hated being there but they wouldn't let me go home and threatened me with force feeding.... the whole thing still gives me bad dreams tbh, about being trapped or having someone try to force me to drink or eat or something...
So no, I will absolutely not ask you to call 911 if you hate it as much as I do. But I really hope you don't give up. I know what it's like to just feel hopeless. I really feel sorry for you that you have to experience this and that you've struggled so long. I too have been on many, many drugs. I might also lie to stay away from a mental hospital... and I have a serious fear of lying (one that really impacts my life, through OCD) but that's besides the point. I'm sorry about this, you have my thoughts and prayers, I hope you're able to stick this out. I was also sent here by a crisis line, 741741 (text crisis line, I find them much easier to talk to via text...). I have found some hope now in my faith, in others, but I could easily return to feeling hopeless at any moment, I've learned. Please hang on though, you're worth it.

You have incredible power. The power to choose your thoughts. You aren't the victim of your thoughts or feelings but the master of them. The more you focus on certain thoughts and feelings the more power you give to them and then you are giving your power away to be ruled by either tyrannical thoughts against you of self-harm or you give more power towards good, loving, and kind thoughts towards you.

No-one has this power over your thoughts and feelings but you. You have the free choice to think and feel what you want to think and feel no matter if anyone agrees or disagrees with you. It is your power of choice. You have the free choice to think and feel whatever you choose even if sometimes these dark thoughts persist, you have the power and strength to reject, renounce, and evict them from your mind and emotions.

You aren't stuck with these thoughts and feelings because you can choose to overcome, conqueor, and replace them. You aren't the victim but the master. The mind is a powerful tool and you are the only one who has this choice and power over your own mind and emotions. Wow--that makes you strong and able!

I feel like it couldn't be worse than how I feel now. In all honesty I don't believe in anything. I am an atheist and I think when I'm dead, I will be dead. I won't be conscious of anything and therefore would not have the need or desire to return.
I'm guessing if I were wrong and it were some kind of hell or hocus pocus shit like that and I were burning in a pool of flames and my flesh being ripped off for murdering myself, I'd actually be feeling SOMETHING as I don't feel anything now. But that's all a joke to me. I put my faith in science. I believe when I'm gone I'm gone.

I lived all over the country, every place is the same and everyone is exactly the same, some worse than others. I just don't have the interest in seeing anymore of it. Yes, there is a possibilty I might meet interesting people and go interesting places but that also means there IS also a chance nothing will get better until I grab my chest at 90 and hit the ground. At the end of the day the gamble is dying ends the continuing lifelong suffering and potential for suffering later on. Since nothing matters then why wait around for some high that may or may not come.

I have a plan. Obviously I wouldn't be here if I was trying to fix it and somehow care about shit and get real help that works. But the jokes been on me since I was a kid.

I guess I could think about rainbows and unicorns all day but it's not going to stop me from staring at a tall building or bridge and thinking what I could do with them

I can't stop those thoughts, I can't. They literally never go away

Restlesdreamz, I have gone through those deepest darkest valleys alone without support from people in the deepest anguish and pain of heart so I understand rejection, betrayal, anger, intense heart woundedness, grief, brokenheartedness. Been there but didn't stay there.

You say you are numb. Numbness can be a protective shield also for deep woundedness. Sometimes things have happened in our lives that have so deeply stabbed us through to the core of our beings that we "freeze these feelings" in order to not feel them. We numb them. We also numb our anger. Freeze it so we don't feel it though it simmers under the surface. We may freeze our anger at whatever unresolved issues or injustice is still there that is "burning holes in our souls". It starts to seep out as thoughts of suicide and hopelessness. But you aren't helpless against these frozen feelings and against the root cause of them. Both of these: injustice and deep woundedness as well as the anger just below the surface comes up when we allow it to by allowing ourselves to to remember the original wounding or events that so deeply hurt us. Otherwise a person can spend a lot of time and energy just trying to keep it shoved down under and try to keep it frozen and not seep out. Trying to not feel it. This is called numbness. Then we only focus on suicide and not on the roots of the pain and the solutions to that frozen pain.

That sounds really, really rough. I'm sorry you are experiencing that. I can see how hopeless that may feel, before when I doubted my faith I felt like "why not just die, maybe theres nothing. Maybe I'll have peace". I mean I really do not believe that anymore, and I never really wholeheartedly believed that, but I do see how life could seem like pointless suffering to you. All I can say is my faith helped me out of that rut myself, but I also believe that you are free to believe what you choose to, and I respect your right to hold your own beliefs.
But even though it seems hopeless, I know there's people who care about you. I've had a plan, too... Please don't follow through. Even if you don't know who they are, there are people who care. I care. I don't think you would have come here if you truly have no desire to see some light at the end of the tunnel, but I get it if you don't. I can't read minds, I don't really know how you feel, and you have a right to do what you wish. But I'm only asking you to try to keep going because maybe someday you will change your mind about wanting to die, but if you kill yourself there's no going back. I have changed my mind for now, and I am glad I didn't kill myself when I felt there was no hope because that would have been the end of my story, and I really don't think anyone's story should have to end that way.
Life isn't all rainbows, I completely acknowledge that, not even close. But I do believe there is always a chance for improvement regardless, even if only some improvement can be attained.

For some people who are atheists, they struggle with suicide since being an atheist gives no meaning or purpose to life.

Science isn't always 100% accurate and doesn't have the answers to everything in this life. Science can only provide repeatable experiments that are observable. Like boiling water--anyone can do the experiment and observe it boiling and come up with the same results. That is science. But science doesn't answer the reality of what is on the other side of death's door. Science doesn't answer why we can actually see with our eyes or why a bee can actually fly. Those are mysteries. Science has not answered why a baby starts to breathe air when just first born after being completely immersed in water in the womb. Science doesn't answer why you feel suicidal. Science may have its place in this life but it doesn't have all the answers. Your life and uniqueness is so very much more important than to put your trust in science alone.

Literally nothing has happened to me to make me numb. I grew up in a good family. I wasnt wronged, rejected, feeling grief, angry or betrayed. I just don't care and feel nothing. I have a generally cold heart and cynical mind. People generally leave me alone and I leave then alone. Nothing makes me happy so why bother.

I know everyone always says they care but i feel like if you knew me in person you'd say "the world would be so better off without that heartless bitch, she's just a waste of space.". The thought of knowing I can end it at any moment is ironically the very thing that keeps me taking one more step. It's not that I'm looking for a reason to make it happen by something setting me off but rather having the control to something in a world where I have no control over the very fucked up brain inside of me. Taking control of that would be the most blissful feeling I've ever had in my life. It would give my last few moments on this shitty planet a feeling of bliss having that control at the very end

it sounds like you are deeply depressed and we cannot think rationally when we feel that way. I can understand not wanting to go into a stinking hospital--nobody really wants to be there. but when you feel as horrible as you do, and literally have a terminal illness like depression with suicidal plans, you need to get some kind of help because the good news is that unlike so many other terminal illnesses, depression is curable.
I hope that you have a spark of hope, even a droplet of it in a cup of water and realize that this state you are in is probably biochemical. it hurts and it sucks and we get so so tired, lonely and weary. please reach out to get some help if not for you, for the rest of us. we all need courage