Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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Cm71 05/06/2017

UPDATE 5 YEARS LATER. 4/15/2022 Go to last post.

Need to vent. My wife and I have been together a total of 12 years, 7 married. We seemed to be doing fine, taking trips, having intamicy, and talking about our future together. Then something changed. One and a half weeks before Easter she pulls me in the room and tells me she's no longer in love and there's something missing between us and she wants a separation. Of course I was shocked and I did all the wrong things like begging, saying I will do whatever she wants, writing her letters and so on. Well on Easter I logged into the phone bill and see that she has been calling the same number and texting for about a month very frequently and multiple times daily. I asked her and she admits that she has been talking to a boyfriend that she dated 26 years ago when she was 21 and now she has feelings for him. He got her number from a mutual friend. This guy asked her to marry him back then and she said no and then married her ex-husband. During their marriage this guy contacted her. She said she was married and that was that. Her marriage went downhill and her ex-husband cheated and so on and she ended up divorced. I think she had got it in her head that if she would've married this guy she would've had some kind of a perfect life. Me and her met after that and we grew together and had a great relationship and marriage. Her whole basis for falling for this guy now is "He never forgot about me" or "he never stopped looking for me." Sounds like some kind of high school girl when she talks, definitely not the 47-year-old that she is. This scumbag is a divorced father of three and an ex LAPD cop. I think he might've been fired. My wife has always been a little gullible and very easily manipulated and this guy obviously has manipulated her and she allowed it. One of the first things he asked her is "are you 100% happy in your marriage" and she said "not 100%." Of course he immediately started telling her everything she wants to hear and suddenly I mean nothing anymore. We are still in the same house and she acts like she doesn't even know me and it's extremely awkward and hurtful but I'm trying to take care of myself and her kids whom I've raised with her. They are both extremely upset and hurt. They were one and a half years old and six years old when I met them and now they are 13 and 18. She's been trying to manipulate and bribe the 13-year-old by telling him this guy wants to take him fishing and take him to a Bears versus Panthers game to which he replied that he is not going with her and going to move in with his biological father. It's very sad because this is completely out of character for her. She has always been an excellent mom and would've looked down on this behavior anytime before this. Not sure if she's going through some kind of midlife crisis but anyway I know what I have to do at this point. Thanks for reading this.

Cm71 05/11/2017

She accused me of brainwashing the boys which was completely ridiculous!. The only thing I told them that we love them very much and we're going to get through this. 18 year old won't even talk to her right no. I don't condone that but he's pretty Headstrong.

Qburse 05/12/2017

Why are the kids involved with what's going on in the first place.

Cm71 05/12/2017

She got the kids involved. A week and a half before Easter she took me in the room and gave me the I love you but not in love with you speech and said we were done. In Easter I logged into the phone account and saw a number she had been calling multiple times a day along with text messages for about a month. I confronted her and she admitted it was this guy and she had feelings for him. She then went and told both boys we were separating and she had fallen for another guy. I didn't know this until a week ago. She has also tried to bribe the 13 year old by saying this guy wants to take him fishing and to a football game. Very troubling and sad. I never thought she would go this low.

Qburse 05/12/2017

It's irreverent on why an individual no longer has a job unless you are going to bring that up in court as well as her social media account. Again what concerning are the kids. The youngest son is hurt but at the same time a boy will always love thier mom. It is astounding how children become involved in adult issues and affairs. Sometimes adults become so focused on their own issues on whats going on that they become blind to how their behavior affect thier children, even when they assume they are acting in the best interest
or trying to be strong. Children are resilient and can bounce back under the right conditions and will always love thier mom. If you have a lawyer and the tension Is that bad leave which I will be surprised if either will. You feel that's your house and you are staying if anyone should go she should.. I am sure you have a lawyer because of financial support you feel you should not have to pay, and you feel that you paid for and supported everyone so no matter how noble the intentions money dictate alot. I also think that you think if you stay strong for the children it might help you in your divorce proceeding because they are old enough to testify saying you where such a good stepdad and ultimately testify their mom was the issue. Odd I might be wrong but the therapy sessions you might be or might not be getting is not just to express your hurt but to possibly use in court against your future ex wife showing emotional distress as shows you were willing to get help and fight for your marriage but she did not want to. Maybe I am right maybe I am wrong but I do know your not paying money out of your pocket for fun but because you are building a case against your cheating gullible wife and you don't want to pay her a single penny. Hum I can guarantee that that ex police boyfriend of hers know the system better than you do and can work it just as good. Lastly I am assuming you will be asking for her to pay lawyer fees as you feel the fault lies with her. Although divorce is sad what's more frightening is who we become as a result regardless of who is in the right and who is in the wrong.

bees2000 05/12/2017

She may not be as infatuated as you think. This kinda happened to me. It was an old counselor whom had counseled me over 25 years ago. He pushed me, even though, I was married. I would have loved for my husband to have pitched a fit and helped me brought him to light. Since he kept telling me how much he had loved me all those years, I felt obligated, sorry for him, some how. Get angry, pitch a fit, tell the guy off and mean it.. I've always heard that a blowout is worse than a slow leak in a relationship. She is your wife, fight for her. I wish my husband had said to the guy, "if you call my house one more time, " I will call the police on you.". The funny thing is, this is how, I finally got him to leave me alone. I went to the police about something else, but when I told him that I was calling from the police office - I never heard from him again. My ex probably thought that I was took with him too, because he was so manipulating, he had me convienced some how, that Id destroy him if I broke his heart. Your wife may need you to take control. Just a thought. :-)

Dandelion 05/12/2017

This last page seems to be taking some strange twists and turns.

She had an affair. She's a cheater.

Oburse- sounds like you're trying to make the op the bad guy

And no children should never be involved in adult issues.

And i don't care for game playing.

If someone is consciously or unconsciously trying to manipulate me into fighting for them by getting involved with someone else, guess what- that someone else can have them.

If you can't communicate with me in any other manner, please go play games with someone else

vwidow 05/12/2017

Love sadly has to be played like a game for the seemingly less loved party. Cm was/is loved if she married him and stayed for so many years but now not. It's up to him to draw her back and have her realize her love for him. The above woman was just trying to advise him on how to do this. And I will too.
Cm you said wife is planning to live in the house with you and the kids til July and carry on w/ the other man ?? THAT is a huge nono in my observation and maybe your last opportunity (if you still want her) to shake her up! Tell her this is no longer acceptable and she must get out immediately or YOU and the kids must separate from HER. That is my counsel and I think it's good. It will make her consider immediately everything she is about to lose.

Dandelion 05/12/2017

Yes, the "Pick me" dance

No thank you.

I disagree with you, Christian though you sound, 1000℅

vwidow 05/12/2017

You must follow through on it though (mean it). You cannot live with her as long as she's going to disrespect and harm in your face and your children's faces. It is the best move right now for everyone( her and the other man included).

vwidow 05/12/2017

BTW, 18 year-old is on the right track more than you are (no disrespect meant). He's not tolerating her misadventures/disrespect.

Dandelion 05/12/2017

I would not be cohabiting at this point. If it were my husband he would be gone to get that negativity out of my home.

Cm71 05/12/2017

I actually told her she should leave and she responded by saying it's my house too. Her mother and brother even told me I should kick her out but of course I can't really do that. She really doesn't say she is carrying on this affair but she doesn't deny it. She claimed that a couple of weeks ago she told this guy she didn't feel comfortable seeing him until she is a free woman but of course how do I believe anything she says. I have backed off from all the begging and trying to get her to stay but we have had a couple of conversations where she is told me what some of the problems were. It basically came down to feeling invisible and used. She thinks her teenage boys don't appreciate her and complains about me being tired when I get home from work. I'm gone from the house for over 12 hours and I'm a UPS driver with a very heavy Freight route and of course being in my mid-forties I don't have the energy level of a 25 year old. We go out frequently and do things like wine tasting and hanging out with friends and hiking and taking little trips but of course now she tried to say we don't do anything. I think she's just trying to turn everything around and make herself feel better at this point. But anyway I'm keeping my head up and being strong and confident for the kids and trying to make the best of the situation at home. I'm eating better now and doing some exercise trying to laugh and smile and be happy. At times when we talk I feel like we actually connect and she's listening and I'm listening but I cannot force her to change her feelings and I have to go on with my life. Thank you all for the advice.

Dandelion 05/12/2017

Oh there you are :)

Dandelion 05/12/2017

That "feeling invisible" stuff is not uncommon at all.

She sounds like she needs counseling for herself.

That feeling won't go away, it will come back.

That's how addictions start.

Using something outside of oneself to "cure" an internal emptiness.

Cm71 05/12/2017

Dandelion I completely agree. It seems like everybody sees that but her. Not saying I was perfect by any means but I did love her and I showed it but at this point she feel some kind of emptiness and I think it has more to do with her than me. She even complained because she's wanted to move to the next town down which is about a 15-minute drive so she could be closer to shopping and so on. I told her if I knew it was that bad I would have moved for her. Two months ago she wanted new blinds and furniture for the house which we got and I thought she seems really happy about it. She even talked about putting wood floors and repainting the office that she works out of at home and we had planned on doing that.. Bottom line this guy coming in and telling her all this crap she wants to hear went right to her head. I told her that anybody that knowingly goes into a marriage and tries to break up a family has no respect for the person they're going after, the spouse and of course the children. I said they are out for themselves and don't care about what type of Destruction is Left Behind from The Break-Up of the family. She just listened and didn't say anything. I know she knows it is absolutely wrong and I even asked her would you ever go for a married man and she said no. Anyway this is something she's going to have to work out for herself at this point. I'm saddened and disappointed but there's really not much more I can do.

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