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When is it the last chance?

crissy99
crissy99

I had been with this man for 1 1/2 years. Everything started off GREAT! But then things began to start unraveling about his addictions to crack cocaine and alcohol. I knew his addiction was becoming a bigger problem over the months. We did not live together yet so I assumed maybe his family saw what was happening. We went on a family vacation and this man spewed the most hurtful things at my children and me all because he was withdrawing. He stated how he wanted my kids father dead and how I must still be in love with him among so many other things. Needless to say... I drove him 4 hours home just to turn around and drive back by myself to continue my time with my children alone. After a brief rehab stay, we ended up moving in together. The relapses continued and I was at my breaking point. He begged for another last chance. So I gave him this last chance. He already maxed out my credit cards, didn't contribute anything but $200 towards the household bills in 7 months, and blew every dime he had. He bought a jewelry set for me and considered it a promise ring. The SAME day he gave it to me, he relapsed again. I was heartbroken. He began his emotional abuse and it just was relentless. He spent hours on the phone with an ex girlfriend speaking ill of me while sitting in my living room. He made comments to me about how I looked like I was wearing a bed sheet and how I caught a cold because I'm lazy, unmotivated and fat. To top all that off, He had the audacity to tell me to my face that if I didn't allow him to go away with me on my girls weekend to a tattoo expo that he already planned to hang out with his ex and that things may get intimate with her. This was not the first time he told me he thought of doing that. My heart is just shattered. I work from home, I don't socialize with others, I seriously only have 1 friend that I talk to. I went away for my girls weekend and even though we spent most of our time in our hotel room -- when I arrive home the first things he says to me are that I look tired and under the influence. He said that I am a dry drunk and I must have many guys on the back burner just waiting in line. He again brought up my ex husband stating that I am still in love with him and how he wants him dead. I told him that he needed to get sober. That he needed to leave my home and no he is not allowed to be an inconsistent figure in my childrens lives anymore. I can't believe a word this man says anymore but I find myself in tears because I gave this man 100% of my heart and it is being returned to me in mostly disintegrated pieces. I feel like the biggest fool and yet it is so hard to not believe that I'm not worthy for the many reasons he tells me. How can a man that STILL to this day as he is moving out tell me he still wants to MARRY ME and treat me like this? I gave him his jewelry back as I don't want the reminder that I'm nothing to him. How do I move forward from this pain???? 

GirlinCalif
GirlinCalif
I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm just going to be honest here. He is a drug addict and an alcoholic. He is a user, and that includes he uses people.

You know he has been horrible to you, and to your children. You deserve much better than this jerk.

It's hard, I know. Don't believe anything he says. He lies, he manipulates, he is a very mean person. It is for the best that you get far, far away from him. He is dangerous.

I understand that is not going to be an easy thing to do. And yes, maybe he was nice in the very beginning, but his true colors came out real quick and now you feel kind of torn... I get that. But you know inside that he is bad for you. Love does not look like this.

Being alone for a little while will be okay, you will get through it.

Therapy would really help you to get your self esteem back, to work on co-dependency.

He is nothing but trouble. You do not need to get pulled down with him. And especially because you have children..... where is their father, by the way? Was the relationship with your children's father also like this one?
cbgrace1980
cbgrace1980
I am so sorry you are going through this. I think you deserve to be treated very well. I've had some very poor relationships in my past and working with a counselor helped me learn what to look for in the type of partner I need. I hope that things turn around for you soon. Hugs to you!
urbangardener
urbangardener
It is really hard to learn to change ourselves when we are tangled up emotionally with an addict or alcoholic. We keep thinking they need to change. But the only one we have power over is ourselves. Please look into Al Anon or something similar. What I like about Al Anon are their pamphlets and you can find them on their website. I had to realize I was part of the problem. I always thought my addict/alcoholic was THE problem. I became part of the problem by trying to fix and change and pretend all was well. I would say that the last chance was that horrible family vacation that the ruined. And where he verbally abused your kids. I also want you to look up narcissistic behaviors and gaslighting and perhaps Dr. Ramani on YouTube about narcissists and how we can't change them and why and how they think. Why we need to change is that we allowed ourselves to give 100% of our hearts to these addicts and alcoholics. If we had more self value and wisdom, frankly we would have run run run when we first had an inkling of their issues. I spent 30 years with mine. Don't be like me. Run now and reframe how you say things to yourself. See this as your golden opportunity to get out from this man even if you love him. Love is not enough and you have much more value and worth than taking this abuse or letting your kids take this abuse. See this as a good thing to get rid of him instead of seeing yourself as all the negative things we tell ourselves. Get angry at yourself and at this man and get educated through a 12 step support group. The things he tells you like he still wants to marry you is narcissism and manipulation. He wants to manipulate and control you. So you have now dodged a bullet as they say where I live. Try to see this as an opportunity to grow within yourself so that the next man will be a quality man of high character and not an abuser. You deserve to find a good man but first we have to not want the broken men so we can fix them. This is about our unwise choices. I wanted to be loved and needed and I found out the hard way that an addict or alcoholic has something else first and foremost in their lives. It is not us. I wish you the best and I hope you can slowly heal. Get counseling if you need this as narcissistic abuse is often difficult to deal with unless one gets educated and perhaps counseling. We have to see the patterns of their behavior, the way of their words, their manipulation and control tactics. We have to see it is not us as us that make them behave this way. He will do the same to the next woman he can use and abuse. It is not about your lack or not being good enough or not being able to fix him. This is about something deeply broken inside of him. So run. You can't fix him but also praise yourself for fixing your life with the start of kicking him out. There is a codependency forum on here that is fairly active.
urbangardener
urbangardener
https://www.dailystrength.org/group/codependency
cin0913
cin0913
I am so sorry you are going through this. I was in a 8 year relationship. Started out great. He bought a house in Ga. and we moved there from Ohio. Not long after that his true self came out and it was ugly. He accused me of things that just never happened. It is hard to defend yourself over a false reality that he has. But, he is a covert narcissist and they are exhausting and you will never be happy in the relationship.. Dr.Phil is doing a series on his pod cast about this and it is very god. Listen to it and see if any of it sounds familiar. It is a four part series. I think there are 2 more parts yet. I still get down and keep saying why couldn't we make us work. What we have to understand is, it isn't us, it is them, They won't take responsibility for anything they just play the blame game and trust me it will be all our fault. When I left he acted like he was crushed. and couldn't understand why I was leaving. Because in their world everything is fine because everything pretty much goes their way. So they don't see our side. I hope this helps a little. He may or may not have this problem, but I would at least read about it. Take care,
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