yes your sisters

if her husband is an addict and ruined her marriage single handedly as most addicts do, then I would say it is appropriate to be hurtful and hateful...but as you said, its not helpful, and it isnt the best thing.

Not all appropriate responmses are helpful or the best.

That was my point. On that I think we can agree.

I'll defer to your opinion then because youre actually there, I'm just hearing it in point form from a 3rd party and applying my own experiences and perspectives to the scene.

I can say from my own experience though, it is possible to be pushed/manipulated/abused/whatever term you want to use past a point of no return. I "lost it" twice while I was with my exS, and even to this day feel some shame about it, despite being told by my T that it was understandable (is that appropriate? maybe it means different things) given what had taken place.

It made things worse, especially for me, but I just didnt have what it took to hold onto my dignity in those moments.

I believe you though, if you say your SIL is going above and beyond in the hate department, she needs some help to get her self-control back.

well, i'm wondering if she was hateful in her speech before he started drinking or after? Those are two different scenarios and if she was hateful BEFORE, you could argue it made it easy to escape and drink... I had assumed (maybe very incorrectly) she became angry AFTER he started staying out and drinking heavily.

Phoenix said it well here:

" I can say from my own experience though, it is possible to be pushed/manipulated/abused/whatever term you want to use past a point of no return. I "lost it" twice while I was with my exS,"

When you are treated in a bad way over and over and over with disgusting behavior, you will get angry. It doesn't mean it is the best response, and "understandable" is a better word than "appropriate", I agree....but the human spirit can only take so much.

Someone who is never hateful might get hateful. Usually I bottled it all up until I felt like I might explode. But a couple of times I told him how I really felt, not using the prettiest words...not at all the kinds of things you mentioned her saying to her husband.....I don't agree with put downs at all. But I let it out. I cursed him out. Addicts hurt the people that love them in too many ways to list here. they break trust, they break hearts, they break lives.

I have come to realize that I fucked up just as much in this marriage. I heard some lyrics from a band called Crossfade that I can relate to...

I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me

I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me there's just no hope
I never meant to be so cold

Rman,

you sure theres nothing you can do to mend things/ bridge the gap? You have some lovingly sad things to say sometimes.

You're right she was wronged and she also chooses her responses. I do NOT agree with the ones you listed that she said at ALL, as appropriate or understandable, in any circumstance.

I do understand exactly the place her anger comes from and how tempting that type of behavior would be. My heart breaks for her. I hope she can live somewhere else soon.

Was I a good spouse? I don't know. I truly hope so. I tried to be a good spouse. I tried to be supportive and caring and loving.

I know now I was probably too lost in raising our kids. I wish we had done more together as a couple, on a regular basis. I'm not sure if this would have changed anything.

The year he left for China I was devastated. I probably said things I shouldn't have, or was mean at times. I wanted to hurt him as much as he was hurting me and our girls. He told me once that me not going to China with him the first year made things hard on him! When he took the job in China with the full knowledge beforehand that we would not live with him the first year,if ever, in China.

I think, at the end of the day, that I was a good spouse, certainly not perfect. There are things I would do differently with a partner next time. But in the end, he wasn't perfect either, and I accepted his inperfections.

(((((Jaken))))) thank you, dear.

I was a very good spouse. I was always loving, caring and appreciative. Yes, I have my faults. When my ex needed for ;us to go to counseling, I went willingly and gladly and we worked through a few things as a result. When I had a problem, though, my ex just dropped me like a hot potato and would not consider counseling. A truly selfish SOB! However, my ex, and I knew this from the start, did not have any passion or great expression of affection. I had hoped that this would come later in the marriage. My ex left two other marriages by just saying goodbye and then taking off, never to deal with them again. I am not like that and, in my past two marriages always left the door open for kindness and communication. Well, my ex is doing the same to me as he did the others. However, my ex has greater financial responsibilities due to the law and a 22-year marriage. If my ex were not obligated by law, I would have been treated the same as the others: just left and forgotten on the fly. I should have known that this would ultimately happen to me and I felt that my love and care were enough. Oh well . . .

I could have been better...in many aspects. He could have too. I am not going to discount that I tried....it takes two people. If one is not willing to give, it ain't worth trying. (That's my situation...I was tired. Tired of competing w/ OW...the drugs...pills...alcohol...everything!)

He was probably tired of my bitching...

Not no, but hell no. It's all about ME! Bah-Humbuggers... :D

I hope so. Sure there were things I know I could have done differently, but I was always true to myself. And him.

*sigh*

I'm awesome, so yeah, I was an awesome husband.

What IS that noise?