Trying to Dab 70....trying to

I was a good wife. Perhaps I should have been a B**ch. I was too kind and easy going. Hated confrontations and arguing. If there was a problem I liked to discuss and find a solution.

Hard to do when he came home with a beer in his hand. He was narcissitic and felt entitled to take all the attention he could get from me and then look else where.

I worked at our marriage and he never really put forth the effort.

DAB, I hear ya chirpin'.

Well, in my 32 years of marriage, my family never had to worry if they had a roof over their head or food in the fridge. I did whatever was necessary to provide these things.

I must give credit to my ex as well as she worked also to help out.

Plus I was there for her when she needed me and she was there for me.

It was after she went through the change and got all weird that things went to hell in a hand basket.

But to answer your question, I think that yes I was a good spouse.

I am with hikerchic and the rest who tried their best.

but in my case, you cannot work around the clinical depression that causes abuse. If he was depressed and did not seek help, I could not do anything more than what i did.

My big error, was putting so much energy into the marriage and his sickness that it overtook me, and I lost myself in it. i became a different person than who he married,,,,but,,,,his depression and abuse worked on me little by little.

i wlll never lose myself again in a sick relationship.

i was such a good wife and partner. his illness did not let him appreciate it. Poor soul.

I was not perfect. I had issues with expressing my anger in a healthy manner and I brought up her first affair too many times. I let her get away with too much.

However, I was also loving, compassionate, kind, a good hubby and father, forgiving, and supportive. She failed me more than I ever failed her. And I gave her more than one chance. Much more.

Yes, I was a good spouse.

Nope. I was a doormat. Not anymore.

I believe I was a good spouse. I know I am a good person and I tried to reflect that in my marriage. I gave my heart and soul to him. I was a good friend, lover, and companion to him. I did things for him that was never expected. I know I am not perfect but I thought I really tried. Apparently, it wasn't what he wanted.

wow, deja vu

I was just thinking of posting the same question.

This is a difficult question for me to navigate, because I dont think anyone can have a healthy relationship with a sociopath. The fact that mine lasted 7 years, when even our therapist told me later she seriosuly doubts he'd ever tolerate being with anyone that long again, speaks well for me, and...speaks badly for me.

It means I gave him more of what he wanted than anyone else...more admiration, more ego-stroking, more tolerance, more patience, more forgiveness, more leeway. It means I didnt hold my boundaries firm enough. That I let my values bend along with my spine, over time.

My constant fighting for better treatment was the healthy thing for me (although I should have left a lot sooner than I did) but it sure made him rageful and more abusive so it wasnt good for him in the short term or me in the long term.

I stay committed to a person who wasnt committed to me. I agreed to be in denial so things could remain intact. In that way I participated in my own abuse.

But it kept the relationship going for way too long.

I have a whole lot of amends to make to myself for all of that.

in my first marriage to my sons father, I was a good spouse, and he was too, we just met each other too young and grew apart by the time we were 36.

I think being a good spouse is balancing what makes you happy with what will keep your spouse happy. Its about following your own interests while supporting your spouse following theirs. Its about keeping each others best interests at heart. Its about good faith even when you argue. Its about lots of eye contact, heart to heart talks, eating dinner at the table, laughing at each others ridiculousness, while having each others back when the chips are down. Its about getting tighter when things get harder.

bottom line IMO...did you try? Did you offer to make sacrifices? Did you try to compromise? Were you faithful? If not, did you give up the OP/behavior and make things right?

If you answer yes to those, honestly, I think you were a good spouse. JMO

Hey...this is discriminatory! I was no ones spouse! Yeah, i feel left out :(

@DWH: I hear you, but I have regrets. I think I was good, but not good enough for how I think I should have been. That's what bothers me.

I was a bad spouse because I was not the woman that I should have been.

I allowed his shortcomings to become my responsibility and in my mind, my fault. I forgave him for way too much shit. I should have dumped his ass when he told me on our first wedding anniversary that he had cheated on me the week prior (the week of my college graduation). But he guilted me into staying with him by saying he would kill himself.

I didn't hold myself in high enough regard to be the best woman I could have been and there fore I wasn't the wife I should have been. He deserved neither my worst or my best.

I so badly want to answer this with "HELL YEAH I WAS GOOD"...but, I don't know anymore...I lost myself in being a mom, and a wife...so much that I wasn't really a partner....I supported him and I loved him but....we drifted apart I guess....I was willing to fight, I was willing to put the effort in....he had already moved on....what makes a good spouse....faithful, commited, honest, loyal, respectful, loving...I was all of those things....he wasn't.