Natty,

that must have been so aggravating in the end.

I kept being told to accommodate more, give more, change more, put up with more..while he was giving less, attentive less, honouring my needs less.

Ugh

we both were trying to follow new career dreams, were broke, and that strain led to our breakup.

the timing was just bad. we met at a bad time in our financial lives.

I think that I did the best I possibly could....is my mouth often faster than my brain? Yes.... Am I a jealous person? Yes.... But as many others have said on here, I still would do anything to save our marriage....we are just in the process of separating...
I do think that maybe I was overly accomodating to his every whim....if he wanted to go out, he just went out....he knew I was there to watch the kids......Even if I wanted to go and couldn't find a babysitter, it was never a question he would still go out. There was even an instance where I did find a babysitter from 6pm-midnight and he still insisted on going earlier without me.
Bottom line: I kept the house clean, worked a full time job with insurance benefits, did the grocery shopping, child-rearing, most of the cooking, paid the bills......and love him with my whole heart....I supported his every decision....
What I failed to do was make him accountable as a husband to me....it was never a partnership...

Yes, I was a good wife. No one is perfect but I have little to regret in this department. I gave more than my share.

I did the best I could - I can honestly say that. I was never abusive and honestly tried to make her like more enjoyable. I think sometimes we have to recognize we did the best we could - they don't give you and instruction manuel when you get married.

And sometimes, as hard as it is to take, a sacred relationship just comes to an end...

I didn't try to "let him" get away with anything and treat me like a doormat. He treated me that way, anyway, despite my calling him out on things, despite my efforts to improve our lives and marriage...despite asking him to come home after work and trying to make the house a good place to be.....but I refuse to take responsibility for someone else's addiction and choices. That lies on him. The marriage falling apart lies on his choices. I wanted to be married to him and fix things. He wasn't present in our marriage, even when he was home. He would just go to our room, as far away from everyone as possible.

I was not perfect, but I did not abuse him in any way. I did not sweep things under the rug or yell at him. I tried to stick to facts when telling him what needed changing. I told him how things made me feel. i am not sure what else I could have done. The therapist told me it takes two to make a marriage and only one to break it. He also told me to go ahead and hire a Private investigator and pull his hair for drug testing. I don't think he liked him much, either. Some people are married to sick people. And it is damn hard being married to an alcoholic.

I was not perfect, at the end I had my set of problems also. But the bottom line as my counselor tells me time and time again. He bailed...our marriage no longer had any value to him. I was a good wife for many, many years..I went through some tough times at the end. I was willing to do put in whatever it took to help us keep our marriage together. He had found someone new. It takes two to want a marriage. I have learned so much in this past two years,,you cannot lose yourself in someone else.

I had a long list of my shortcomings and all the things I was to blame for when my exS and I first broke up. Thats because early one I started to believe him when he said I wasnt "good enough" and needed to change/improve.

It took 2 therapists almost 2 years to convince me I didnt do anything wrong, and that everything I was upset with myself over, were the wrong things to be thinking.

So if I put myself in my exS's place I could rhyme off a bunch of things he would tell this group I did wrong, but I sort of believe my T's now.

What wasnt pleasant, and unraveled his fondness for me turned out to be appropriate responses to abuse. See how this question gets tricky and twisty for me?

The weirdest thing, is that the very traits that made for a great first marriage (and a continuing great friendship with my exhusband) are the things someone like a S uses against you as blunt weapons.

I'm not perfect. I cry a lot when I'm PMS'ing, I'm impulsive and dont shy away from conflict and I'm indulgent in a lot of yummy things, which can be great with the right person, but maddening with someone else. I get antsy if I dont have CNN on a lot, or dont have the window open at night, even if its winter, and I speed (although I dont roadrace anymore).

I have my moments of cynicism as is apparent on this forum (but they never last too long). And oh yeah, I dont let go of things very quickly, I hold onto my commitments, my convictions, my money, and anything within my territory of "stuff"!!! longer than I probably should. THAT could make plenty of people bonkers.

My exS told me he was a great partner to the gf he had before me, and gave more than he should have, so he is probably saying the same about our relationship, but the last time we saw each other, Mr Tony Soprano broke down in a restaurant crying, apologizing for all the shit he did to me, and for letting me down, so I know he has SOME awareness of what he is.

I suspect that many of the things about us that conttributed to the failure of our past relationship may in fact be beneficial for the strength of the next one. It may be that we just chose partners poorly, or too much with our hearts and not enough with our heads.

I like to believe we're all doing our best with what we have.

Yes, it is hard being married, but good god, it is a living nightmare being married to an addict. I'm just saying I understand her anger because I have lived it. I've waited for my husband to come home stumbling and high. Hundreds or thousands of times, I don't know... Her anger is a normal response to the situation. It's hard to remember they are sick sometimes. The children should not have to endure it and she should get out, but she deserves some sympathy. She is likely being lied to on a daily basis and that is one of the worst feelings ever, especially since it is someone you love and used to understand..

in my marriage, no i wasn't, but i accepted that along time ago and apologized to my ex-husband. in my long term relationship, yes i was a very good girlfriend. i have learned so much over the years. xoxoxoxoxox

Her responses may be appropriate according to the nightmare she's living with an addict for a husband, but as I found out myself, whats appropriate isnt always the best thing for her own sanity, that of her children or of the addict.

Taking her to Alanon was a brilliant thing to do jaken. I wish there would have been a group like that for me to go to, I might have learned to detach emotionally much earlier than I did.

Theres a lot to be said for being very clear expressing your emotions in the face of how a spouse's behaviour negatively impacts you, but I get how when its a chronic ongoing problem with no immediate possibility for change, letting go and walking away (if necessary) with your sanity intact requires different strategies.

I'm now envious of loved ones in programmes like Alanon because theyre learning and practicising what I didnt have at my disposal, and had sorely needed.

Nope.

Least that's what I am hearing.

Ask me if I care?

Point taken. I guess my point is that it is very hard to remain a good spouse when your spouse is a hardcore addict. You feel like you are being dragged down with them...

Nat wrote: Could I have been a better wife? Yes, I could. Just like DAB, though, I don't know if it would have made a difference or not. The bottom line for me is that he didn't come to me and tell me how unhappy he was. He's just kept telling me I should've seen it coming. I didn't. Looking back, I believe he did things purposely to cover it up, if, in fact, that's really how he felt. He didn't treat me like someone he no longer loved. I don't know what I could've done about that.

When all this came down, I tried to talk to him. I asked for time, counseling. He refused everything I offered. I started counseling right away. I would have done ANYTHING to save our marriage. I loved him, I was faithful to him, I was honest, I meant my vows. That's all I know"

I could have written the above. I wasn't perfect by any means but I took my vows seriously and I was in it for life, no matter what it took. As Nat said, up until the day he told me he treated me as his wife and well. Next day -- loves me like a sister and has been miserable for a long time. Never brought it up. Says he didn't want to rock the boat. Well-- he certainly rocked it now! Saw my attorney yesterday and am beginning, very slowly, to see the ways in which I was unhappy but willing to tolerate and make do. I guess my message to him is,"Be careful what you wish for."

Was I a good wife??? Honestly, I don't know...I realized that I was being used and taken advantage of so I am not sure. I am not even sure if he actually "loved" me. I let him hang out with his friends all the time, playing video games, used my car, etc...while I worked up to 4 jobs, cleaned the house, cooked everything from scratch, did the shopping, may sure he had everything he needed or wanted. Stuck by his side for 11 years!!! Did everything for him!!!
In return I got years of lies about drugs, money, jobs and possibly girls; throughout the entire relationship...but I stayed.

My affection never derailed execpt toward the end. I just couldn't do it anymore, I tired to fake the affections and emotions but, I couldn't do it....does that make me a bad wife? In stbx's eyes it does and I was blamed for the reason he did/does drugs.

I think through most of it I was a great wife but, never was shown the apperication, affection or emotion so I dunno for sure if i was.