Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

13,009 Members
100,360 Posts
0 Online
Relationships & Sexuality
/ Breakups & Divorce Support Group

The pain

sakuraowl
sakuraowl
I'm new here , I don't have family , other then my husband and my sons, my husband notified me a few days ago that he was done with our marriage a few days after my child's birthday . We have been married for 15 years , together for more then 23 years . Our marriage has had many challenges . My older son from a previous relationship put us through the ringer a few years back . My oldest son is an adult now and not living with us . He isn't doing to well because he has issues . But that's another story. That was 8 years ago . My husband wanted a separation back then and we separated for 6 months. He came back before my youngest child went to kindergarten. Anyway , he's always been distant but I thought we were working at it , on my child's birthday , we seemed very happy making a cake together and such. I was wrong because he told me he wanted a divorce. He said he was almost 50 and he has nothing to show for it . He said our relationship has run its course and he wants to just be on his own. My youngest just turned 13 . I feel blind sighted , things weren't perfect but I didn't know he was thinking this is his head . He said he felt this way for years and has been thinking the last few weeks. I a
Was trying to make it work . I feel like while I was working for us he was just working against. He is cold and distant ,he is very comfortable about the fact we are divorcing. I on the other hand , I am suffering greatly . My skin crawls from anxiety , I can't really eat , I am sad and cry a lot , I am afraid and I feel very alone. I can't sleep .
I know from our previous separation 8 years ago that if this happened again I would let him go . We are going to a lawyer today for a counciltation. We are going today because we agree on a quick divorce. We agree on making it amicable . We are not fighting. And still living together , he told our son with me present , just want to be honest about what's going on. Once we get through the divorce we will head toward him moving out. Try to get through this together. But , it isn't really together of course , he's relieved it seems , to divorce he seems exited about his future where as I feel devastated. I did not want a divorce . I told him I did not want one but he says he does so now I am trying to move forward. I feel frozen, the pain is very intense . I feel like I can't handle this , no support from him of course he just doesn't seem to concerned with my pain or my sons pain. His words was " you'll be alright" . I asked him when he first told me , don't you love me? He said with a sneer "a little bit " he says I was a good wife and that it was a good experience . Crushing I tell you. I don't know how I am going to make it . I feel destroyed. I feel my future is empty, I'm 43 , it hurts so bad. Im staying as strong as I can for my son . I feel very alone . I want to just lay on the ground and stay there , but I try to keep moving. I don't feel like I have any support system . I see s therapist who helped me through the struggle with my eldest son, I'm not even sure he can help me anymore. My pain is greater than anything I have felt before , everyday is so painful I don't know what to do.
deadeah
deadeah
This really hits me to my core, I'm so sorry for this pain you are in. I want to just wrap you with a loving ((hug)) and tell you everything will be okay. Sometimes that helps and sometimes it doesn't. I'm 43 also and kind of going through the same thing. I don't want to see anyone, do anything, I just want to lie down and just sleep. That's the only time I find relief. I isolate myself, which I know is not healthy after awhile, but I can't help it.
I just want you to know that I care and I will try to give you as much support as you want and need.....I do care, and there are others here that care also....(((HUGS)))
sakuraowl
sakuraowl
I am 43 as well, and it's i feel not old enough to be old but not young enough to have time to rebuild my life again. It's very scary. I've heard from people who are older and they have said I'm still young , I'll be ok I'll meet someone else . The truth is meeting someone else is not at all on my mind , trying to survive is on my mind, trying to control my emotions to get through this , and it's so hard. I don't believe I will meet anyone else anyway. I don't even know who I am anymore. I isolate myself too but I think it's also not a choice . After a while your friends can't really help you although they try, no one can really help , some can understand some will tell you positive things but the pain as a lot of you know is just too much to bear sometimes. I don't know what I am trying to say anymore, I'm just a lost soul , just alone and hurting . How could he do this to me and my son I always think but I have to control it so I don't ruin the uncontested divorce I am going through. It's tough, it's lonely, it's debilitating. Everyday I pray to get through this. I fight to change my negative mindset on all of it but there is no avoiding the hard truth on this. My marriage is gone, he is gone at least as a partner. I feel empty and I feel nothing can fill it. Maybe today is just a bad day for me . My day off today and tomorrow, I used to look forward to these days and now it's terrifying. I'm sorry , I'm just venting . I hate that my husband is so ok with this . I find myself thinking bad thoughts like one day he will feel this pain he has given me . For now I will suffer. I guess anger is creeping in very slowly. I didn't marry this man so that he could abandon me when I was 43! After 23 years together and 15 years married, I fought to keep it alive , he fought to end it . I'm just so crushed at this whole ordeal . :( .
sakuraowl
sakuraowl
He had some emotion last night, I have very small conversations with him to keep the peace most of the time I give him space, he told me that he was sad too,I really didn't know what to say I wanted to lash out because he wants this divorce, but I didn't , I told him well, divorce is not easy and that I am hurting much more then he knows but I am trying to exempt it and be friends and he said that is what he wants too. I have no pity for him , he chose this and he is leaving us . I'm sure he was just sad for the moment , I'm not going to kid myself . This divorce is still happening. I told him we need to just focus on our son and try to get through this. He agreed after I told him I don't want to continue the conversation, I have never said that to him , I always was the one who wanted to talk . But I just see no point in talking about anything that is not beneficial to us moving forward. It is so hard but I am glad he felt some pain, I'm glad ! He should , he hurt us , he did this , I'm thankful he is not grouchy right now but I know that can change. I am just being very cautious . To just get through this the best I can. It hurts bad, really bad, functioning is very hard but I am still trying to get through it . Focus.
broken234
broken234
You are doing better than you think. Being able to break off the communication when you would have previously wanted to keep him talking is good. He is likely feeling guilty and is trying to make himself feel better. My stbx used to do the same to me. But don't make him feel better. You did awesome!! Give yourself a pat on the back even though it hurts like hell. One step at a time, but make sure you celebrate your accomplishments no matter how minor they are.
sakuraowl
sakuraowl
Thank you Broken, It's been 2 weeks and I didn't think I would or could survive the first week. I'm having a really difficult time still but I am so glad I have made it this far. I don't know the future or what things may or may not occur and if they do I hope I can still do this . For now I'm still fighting to move forward. Hurts like hell but like the saying goes , "if your going through hell , keep going".
strongandsilent
strongandsilent
Just read through you whole thread. It brings back such strong memories. Those first few weeks are utterly surreal. Desolate. Like you I was "informed" by my ex that we were separating. I had no say in it. Like you, I focused on keeping it amicable for the kids - but was devastated. I can imagine the suffering you are going through... and will go through for some time yet. Do lean on your friends and family. I would not have made it throughout some fabulous people.

I am 14 months out...it does get better.
deadeah
deadeah
I'm so so so sorry for your pain. I know for me it's really hard to get back to work, but found out being occupied and busy kind of makes it a little easier to get through the day. It will take time, I know that's not what you want to hear right now, but it does get easier.

It just doesn't seem fair that someone else makes a decision and it can ruin OUR lives, or seems to. I felt like I was always the one to try to make it work and he stbx did nothing. I'm just glad I'm through with him so I can start the healing process.

You will get there too, just be patient with yourself and give yourself time to grieve. Just remember we are here for you to vent and hopefully everyone here can help you with your pain. Big (((hugs)))
sakuraowl
sakuraowl
It's been 2 weeks since he told me he wanted a divorce and a week since the lawyer received the check. I'm going to work regularly now , my regular schedule and it's been good for me. At home I am still keeping the piece , my husband is in a good mood , so that makes it easier ( only in the sense that I don't have to worry that he will flip out and change the uncontested status of the divorce) I've been strong at home, no tears at home, no anger, I usually do my sadness on the way to work or or after work before I get home. I still worry that he will lose his cool and turn everything into a tail spin but so far it's ok. It has been really difficult on me to control my feelings but I have.
My emotional bursts have lessened ,but I think it's because I'm just numb. I feel like the walking dead sometimes, like when im at work and I see everyone but it's like watching a movie . I'm not there but I am. It's awful but I'm still hanging in there.
sakuraowl
sakuraowl
Today is a bit rough, one of those days once again. I have been googling everything and anything to help me get through this. "How to survive divorce", " moving on after divorce" , " stages of divorce grief" , "strength during divorce" and so eti ex it helps sometimes it doesn't . Today I ran into articles about "male midlife crisis" and sounds exactly like what my husbands behavior. And I read how it is an exiting time for men, like being a teenager again , and how men move on faster when finding another, for me it hurts a lot , it's not that I want him to be miserable, but I guess that I feel like I am a piece of trash he is just throwing away . Like I meant nothing, my years with him nothing. And he is going on this great new adventure while I am alone, working and raising my son . I don't feel excitement for the future like he does, I feel the extreme opposite right now. I don't show him my pain but no doubt I am in great pain. I wish I was more angry then sad but it's not the case. I am fearful of my future, I feel lonely and I know I will be even more lonely after all this is done. I don't feel like I could trust anyone again. I keep telling myself I'll be ok, but I still don't really believe it . In fact, I try not to think of the future because it all just hurts really bad. I have people I know who say it takes time, I have people who tell me I will always feel sadness, others that tell me get over it its not worth it , others tell me I'll be a happier person afterward. Sigh... Everything is too much. They are all helping me , the struggle to get through this feels almost impossible at times. I feel like a rock someone hammered into sand and the sand is just blowing everywhere , lost , not whole, with pain attached to every single grain.
sakuraowl
sakuraowl
I've been worried about the lawyer not moving along with our case because I think he was waiting for my husbands pay stubs. I didn't want to but I couldn't stand the waiting and wondering if our file was just sitting there not making progress because of his pay stubs. Anyway I ended up texting my husband at work asking if he had the paystubs for the lawyer yet ? And he told me where they were in the house I asked him if he wanted me to take it to the lawyer for him and he didn't respond so I took them to the lawyer . ( it's an uncontested divorce so far so it's the same lawyer we have) those of you who have read up on my story here know I have been trying to keep my husband balanced and not angry . I am afraid he is angry , even though he is the one who wants the divorce. He comes home later and I'm stressed . I think I might have made a mistake doing what I did , but I couldn't wonder anymore about wether or not the divorce was being worked on. Sigh... I'm so tired of being stressed and sad and I have fear of being alone and everything all at once . It is so overwhelming . I want this divorce now as well because there is no hope and I feel like I deserve some peace . Not sure about happiness right now but it is just all to scary.
sakuraowl
sakuraowl
Why can't I get angry?! It's frustrating . All the thoughts that I have with his decision to divorce I should be angry , but it won't come out . Yes I'm trying to keep the peace for the divorce to go smoothly ..but why on my own time ,I can't feel anger? I want to feel anger it won't come . I have a right to be a angry but it's like I cant feel it, just sadness I really don't understand myself right now. When I am by myself I want to feel anger I know I am but it won't appear...ugh..any thoughts on this?
lostntx
lostntx
It will come. It was around 3 months before I ever got angry. You'll work through each emotion in time. I went through shock and sadness before the anger ever came out. You are still very early into this. And there is no rushing each feeling. Just don't get stuck. If you feel stuck after a period of time, seek out a professional to help you work your way out of it.
sakuraowl
sakuraowl
Thank you, I have been seeing a therapist about one a week, I will be talking to him about it. I guess I have to be patient with myself, but it's hard, I never tried to linger on painful thoughts or anger but this situation has forced me to deal with a lot of feelings that are so overwhelming. And it keeps going in circles. I do feel like I am still in shock, and sadness like you said, my mind feels like it wants to break in half.
26yearsgone
26yearsgone
I feel for you. I have been going through the same thing. I had been with my husband for 26 years, married for 20 years when he decided last Fall that he wanted to move on. He was 52 years old. Unfortunately there is nothing we can do about it. It's just real shitty that someone who we thought was there for us decides to turn our life upside down. I also think he may have been going through a midlife crisis. Just be prepared for your husband to have an OW sooner than later. That's what mine did - even before he moved out. Do what you need to do legally, financially and emotionally to move forward. It may mean taking some medication short term if you have anxiety or depression. Try to go NC as soon as possible and as much as possible. I developed anxiety attacks and couldn't eat or sleep for about four months. At about the same time I got real angry. It's been eleven months for me and I am better but I still have a long road ahead of me. Take one day at a time. Take care of yourself and your children. Your husband is no longer your concern. I wish you the best.
sakuraowl
sakuraowl
That anger i said i couldnt feel is starting to come into play , i have to control it for now but i have blurted out a few things i was angry about to my husband and i need to stop . Im trying to get through this divorce uncontested , i am only human. But i will do my best . Went to the lawyer to drop off info they needed , we have to wait for their email now of the finalized paperwork to review . I have to keep things calm .