Breakups & Divorce Support Group

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The pain

sakuraowl
sakuraowl
I'm new here , I don't have family , other then my husband and my sons, my husband notified me a few days ago that he was done with our marriage a few days after my child's birthday . We have been married for 15 years , together for more then 23 years . Our marriage has had many challenges . My older son from a previous relationship put us through the ringer a few years back . My oldest son is an adult now and not living with us . He isn't doing to well because he has issues . But that's another story. That was 8 years ago . My husband wanted a separation back then and we separated for 6 months. He came back before my youngest child went to kindergarten. Anyway , he's always been distant but I thought we were working at it , on my child's birthday , we seemed very happy making a cake together and such. I was wrong because he told me he wanted a divorce. He said he was almost 50 and he has nothing to show for it . He said our relationship has run its course and he wants to just be on his own. My youngest just turned 13 . I feel blind sighted , things weren't perfect but I didn't know he was thinking this is his head . He said he felt this way for years and has been thinking the last few weeks. I a
Was trying to make it work . I feel like while I was working for us he was just working against. He is cold and distant ,he is very comfortable about the fact we are divorcing. I on the other hand , I am suffering greatly . My skin crawls from anxiety , I can't really eat , I am sad and cry a lot , I am afraid and I feel very alone. I can't sleep .
I know from our previous separation 8 years ago that if this happened again I would let him go . We are going to a lawyer today for a counciltation. We are going today because we agree on a quick divorce. We agree on making it amicable . We are not fighting. And still living together , he told our son with me present , just want to be honest about what's going on. Once we get through the divorce we will head toward him moving out. Try to get through this together. But , it isn't really together of course , he's relieved it seems , to divorce he seems exited about his future where as I feel devastated. I did not want a divorce . I told him I did not want one but he says he does so now I am trying to move forward. I feel frozen, the pain is very intense . I feel like I can't handle this , no support from him of course he just doesn't seem to concerned with my pain or my sons pain. His words was " you'll be alright" . I asked him when he first told me , don't you love me? He said with a sneer "a little bit " he says I was a good wife and that it was a good experience . Crushing I tell you. I don't know how I am going to make it . I feel destroyed. I feel my future is empty, I'm 43 , it hurts so bad. Im staying as strong as I can for my son . I feel very alone . I want to just lay on the ground and stay there , but I try to keep moving. I don't feel like I have any support system . I see s therapist who helped me through the struggle with my eldest son, I'm not even sure he can help me anymore. My pain is greater than anything I have felt before , everyday is so painful I don't know what to do.
sakuraowl
sakuraowl
I broke down at work a few times and I looked terrible but I did get through a few of my regular clients only told on of them because they looked so concerned over my appearance. It was hard but better that I was at work to give my husband space he wants so much and give my son a sense of normalcy. Coming home was hard and yes waking up and getting out of the bed is really difficult . I am going to try my best to keep to myself and not stress out my husband , if he bolts before the divorce is final , he could change the uncontested divorce status or I imagine he could just vanish and I would never get divorced. Both very terrible sceneries for me. So I'm doing my best. The support I got from a few girls at work today helped me , and will hopefully help me with tonight. And tomorrow, it starts all over again but I don't work tomorrow. I never realized that I was walking on eggshells for my husband a very long time. I think if he said he changed his mind about divorcing me , I would still want a divorce now. Not that it would ever ever happen. I just want this divorce finished but it takes more than a day , and that's the hard part next to the emotions .
sakuraowl
sakuraowl
I left my place this morning I had to get away , had to be out even if it is in my car for an hour. The pain is so substantial. I leave the house for a little bit to try to gather my negative thoughts and go home feeling a little more secure , it is temporary but that's what I do, my hand are shaking and my skin is crawling. I am so afraid. I'm 43 , and I feel like I have nothing and I am afraid of how this divorce will affect my finances. Working through each day is so hard. Worried of what more the lawyer will need and how ,much it will cost. We are going through the same lawyer , because it is an uncontested divorce.if we somehow for any reason don't agree then the lawyer has told us that we would each need our own lawyers. For now nothing has changed in the divorce agreement. I keep trying to tell myself it will be ok , but the fear is great. I want to get through the divorce first so at least the finality of it will be done and then work on myself and all this pain. But the reality is that the fear is always there. And every morning I feel it like a sharp pain all over my body. I know way to speed up the process but I need this to be done so I can try to gather my wits and deal with my pain without all this stress. I am so sad , and trying to function every day.
kenjb47
kenjb47
I am sorry, I am living the same nightmare with the added grief of my stbx keeping the children from me. Everyday is a struggle, so we need to be strong. Better days are coming, that I am sure of!
blondytou
blondytou
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Your experience is pretty much like mine. Derek waited until the week of his and our daughters birthday to tell me that he doesnt love me anymore and that he wanted a divorce. He told me also that I wasnt attractive any more to him. I begged him to go with me to seek help. But he wouldnt do it. He said there was no reason to go for him. He wanted out. I remember I was taking my son to work and tried to make an appointment to see my doctor just to be told to pull over and call 911 becasue I was so upset and crying. I wanted to drive off of the bridge. He has told me over and over again, your a great wife and a great mother, but I dont love you anymore. HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT??? He was my world. I am still struggling with all of this, but everyday im getting better. I did tell him I hated him for what he has done to me to our family. His reply was, great now youll sign the divorce papers. I am here for you if you need anyone to talk too ok. ((((hugs)))))
sakuraowl
sakuraowl
Yes I understand the cold , at the very beginning when I told my husband that I was sad ( the day he told me ) he not only said I would " be alright" he said I should go take a trip or something ... He knows i don't have money and I would never ever do that, I don't even go on trips ever , his coldness hurts me but I'm trying to hold it together .
Our child lives with us right now as we go through this I can't imagine someone keeping your kids from you . I can't even imagine what kind of person would do that. I can't even understand why my husband is doing what he does but I don't want to know anymore. All detail will give me is more pain.
I'm going to work but not functioning well , trying to wake up or I should say trying to even get out of bed is a struggle. It's been over a week , work distracts me only so far and in the middle of any hour I could feel like breaking down. And I do sometimes. Seeing my sons face is hard to I feel so sorry for him , just day to day trying to make it through . I have no family to lean on so its so hard. My husband was my family and now it's me and my son alone . My other son is not in a good place and not living in the home and my husband is not his father so right now I just feel very alone with my youngest. I think all the time what is worth it to my husband to do this to his son and I , his freedom? He was free , I was never bitchy or whiny and I worked hard. I never told him he couldn't do whatever he wanted ( no other women of course was a given no and he knew that.) but it just hurts . As far as I know there is no other woman , but it wouldn't even matter cause the pain is the same and I really don't wNt to know . I just except that he doesn't want to stay . Just trying day by day to get through the divorce. My heart is with all of you going through this same pain. No one knows how much pain there is until they actually go through it . I pray our days get easier and our challenges get smaller. But for now I guess all we can do is hang in there.
katherine2015
katherine2015
I can identify with your pain and feel sorry that you have to go through it. I've been there, still in the process and I know it's one of the toughest things that life can throw at us. Often times, I feel alone as I believe that it takes one who had been there or going through it to understand the pain and despair. Nevertheless, I feel comforted by your comments:
"My heart is with all of you going through this same pain. No one knows how much pain there is until they actually go through it . I pray our days get easier and our challenges get smaller. But for now I guess all we can do is hang in there".

Thanks and hugs, take care.
sakuraowl
sakuraowl
I'm feeling numb at the moment, I feel sad but numb I want to cry but I can't right now , my husband was nicer last night , of course divorce is going through no doubt he wants it , even though him being nicer is easier for me , I know it is temporary and that his bad mood will return. It actually makes me very uneasy . I'm devastated and trying not to let his behaviors manipulate my feelings . We are getting a divorce. Im still giving him space in the home, he asked me this morning why I didn't want to sleep with him in the room I just said I fell asleep on the couch . I thought it was an unspoken understanding that I wasn't going to. Even just to sleep by him. I don't know what he is thinking . I just want to get through this. I feel confused but not about divorce I know that is going to happen , I know it's over . My mind feels like its whirling , spinning . I have to just think just get through this.
sakuraowl
sakuraowl
Also I have to add that he said he wanted to be alone and he had no problems with me not being in the room with him . Now he is asking . I'm still not . He doesn't understand that it just hurts me to do that? I don't want to give myself false hope because there is no hope . The marriage is over.
katherine2015
katherine2015
Based on my experience, at this stage your partner will tend to behave in a way confusing way, something like what you mentioned. To minimise how these affect your emotions, try to clarify the meaning of his actions if he keeps giving you contradicting signals or messages with your ultimate goals in mind (e.g. if you are firm on a divorce or if there is a hope of reconciliation). If his actions/behaviors were not meant to provide you hope of what you want, disregard them so that you stay clear of your position and lessen your emotional stress.
sakuraowl
sakuraowl
Yes, thank you Katherine. Him being friendly is a goal , sleeping in the same bed not so much. It's been an extremely difficult week , and even though I am still emotionally a wreck most of the time I am grateful for making it through the first week. I'm grateful that I can eat a little now too. It's so hard but just moving along one day at a time. Some of my coworkers have been supportive and that helps get me through the day. Every day is challenge.
lostntx
lostntx
It just amazes me how their minds work while going through this. It all amounts to them only thinking about themselves. He wants you to sleep next to him but is divorcing you? That's just insane! There's no way you should do that. You need to do what is right for you. Don't think about him because he isn't really concerned about you. I don't know how you can stay in the same house with him. I know you are focused on the divorce, but maybe you should try to come up with a way to get him out. Send him to friends or family. Him being there will only make it harder on you. You will have to figure out how to get him to leave. He's comfortable with it and won't do it on his own. Tell him he wants a divorce so he should get out. No need for you to make his life easy. It's all about you healing and you can't really start that until he's gone. Go no contact as well. No need to feed his ego. Treat things as business now. Your business that you want to make it and thrive. Sorry he is screwing with your emotions!
LostNFound3
LostNFound3
I am so sorry for your pain. I agree with lostntx, and based upon painful personal experience, I can say that recovery and healing cannot begin until you separate. As he asked for the divorce, please ask him to find somewhere else to stay. It makes a huge difference and gives you emotional space to process and begin to heal.

I also have children and have to have some contact for co-parenting. I found that contact not about the children always led to pain for me. It took me a long time to learn that lesson.

Asking you to be in bed with him, or even the same bedroom, is all about him and is totally inappropriate. He is leaving you. He made that choice. He gets to live with the consequences including not having you there when he wants you - whether for comfort for him or any other reason. I hope you have moved to another room for starters, and that you can get him out soon.

Best wishes for strength and courage in this terrible time.
sakuraowl
sakuraowl
He hasn't mentioned it again , I don't think he was asking " to get with me" I think it was temporary pity, or temporary guilt or something . I sleep in another room. And that will not change. I have a reason for him being there other then to help him, we have an uncontested divorce , and I want it to stay that way. I need what I need to take care of my son and I . The divorce is I. Process , I already gave the lawyer the money , I just have to wait. I need my husband to stay in the home so he can continue paying some of the bills until the divorce is final. If he leaves right now it will be very hard on my son and me financially. If the divorce goes through quickly ( I hear maybe 2 months) and it goes through the way it is , then my son and I will be ok. I am afraid if he leaves now first our bills won't get paid and second he might start thinking and want more out of the divorce. In this situation I have more assets then him, right now it's more about my son and I and our future survival. I know it will be hard when he moves out eventually but I know my healing might start then. For now I have to deal . And I am doing my best. This is why I am concerned about his moods , I don't want him to flip out and say , well I am just going to take your stuff who cares it will help me out. So right now even though it is extremely hard to live like this , I have to bear it . No fighting and such at all for my sons sake . I figure as long as we try to get along my son will fair better. As for me not so much. I'm just doing what I have to do to get through this. I know your right and in any other situation him leaving would be the right option right now , but in this case it isn't. My therapist knows the situation and does agree it is best to do it this way and quickly for financial reasons but he warned me that it will be the hardest on me emotionally. I do understand, it is extremely difficult . Here, uncontested divorce goes pretty quickly , I hope it isn't more then 2 months but I am well aware it may take longer. After the divorce is final he will be working on moving out and I will be free to tell him to move out if need be. Right now this divorce agreement is the best for all of us in the long run. I'm just holding on. It's a waiting game.
LostNFound3
LostNFound3
It sounds like you have thought it through. Did you know, though, that you can file an interim support order if he leaves? You would get child support right away, and need not wait until the divorce to get support.

Either way, I wish you strength to get through, and for stability for your son. It sounds like you are his rock.
sakuraowl
sakuraowl
The agreement is no child support or alimony , in turn he doesn't touch property I own, he wouldn't give me any money when he leaves because he wouldn't have any to give. He has enough to survive after the divorce (to take care of himslelf). Even though he says he will try to help anyway I don't believe he can. So I am fully planning to financially take care of my son on my own if need be. I just need this to go through the way it is. I am in survival mode I guess you can say. I know in time once my husband leaves it will be all about him and I assume that eventually we will see less and less of him after the divorce. The pain is great and I didn't want this but it's happening but i have to take care of us ( son and I) .. I guess that's how I always been , just trying to handle things and getting through things , and getting things that need to be done ,done. Emotionally I am burnt out , feel like my mind is going to break.