So I am a race car driver,and I was racing tonight as usual. After the races are over, my crew and others around me are talking about how good we looked on the track, it was a great night. When my Ex who does not live near by, shows up all dressed up. She was there the entire time, but not sittingwith my friends or family, which are her friends as well. I was annoyed to see her there, she started calling out my name and many people around me just walked away. My friend and uncle who are part of my pit crew are the only ones who stay. I ask them what I should do, she was asking to talk to me. They said just be nice and let her say her piece. So I did, I was polite and listened. So I was kind of embarrassed we had to talk out in the open with so many people around watching. She asked how could I just go no contact and not reach out or want to see her. The thing is I do everyday, I still argue with her in my head about all the things she did to me in the relationship. I want to talk to her, but most of the time its to ask why she did all those things. I told her I forgave her and hold nothing against her for it. She told me she was there the entire night watching me race by herself, She wanted to work on us. she wanted to talk about us. She apologized about the way she acted and how she treated me. She told me she was sad that I did not come to her kids birthday party. That her daughter is still asking about me. She did ask how I was doing, I am not great I am having stressful issues with sadness, depression, and pain about the issues with my childhood and my parents. But i did not tell her that. I did not feel happy that she was there, I was annoyed because I was having fun and talking to everyone how good we did. She asked if I loved her I said no not in a relationship way of love, she started to cry. She asked could we talk sometime. I told her that I will contact her in October after racing season is over. I told her that I needed to focus on myself and heal because the relationship was toxic and hurtful. I told her I did not need any more added pressure during racing season. I told her I was not giving her hope or trying to get back together. She had a bag of my clothes from her house she washed, and she put in the clothes a CD she made and a typed letter. I told her we were not going to hug or shake hands, and I said thank you for the support of my racing. In the past she always made a reason why she could not come. I turned and walked away and she said bye to my crew and walked away. I am numb, I was on a fun high from the races doing so good. I don't know what to think, or what I am even feeling. I thought that if she apologized and meant it, which she seemed, I would be ecstatic and happy. There where no sparkles, no desire and felt like I missed out on the celebration. I dont know what to do.