Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Its my 1st day here. I really dont know how this works...in a 14 years marriage. Im struggling to continue fixing this marriage or letting go. It been this back and forth so many time. we both have gone to counseling not because of me but because of his actions. Everytime i see the patterns of his lies come back up after couples of months or even a year. I find out he texting other girl each time. It so hard to explain. Nothing ever sexually but more of emotionally these females. In the past he had made up lies about our relationship to ppl. Our counselor already told us he was in the wrong and he shouldnt be doing that and he should be focus on his family and not be reaching out for validation if he wants to save our relationship. Of course there historical childhood trauma involve for both of us. Im just drained. Like if he choosing to do this n lie and create secret friendship with females why still stay with me. He is a great friend, father, to all our friend and family. He seems genuine of not wanting to hurt me, but continue to so. I catch him is his lies and he just keep telling me he is trying. Im been so loyal n faithful, i trully dont know what im doing wrong. I dont have any male number on phone beside our home loan broker lol. Some ppl tell me we gone through alot and we can make it work. Some says if he cant fix his prioities just leave....im the kind of person who believes in someones worth and growth. Im okay with opposite gender friendship, its the secretcy and lies that he feel he need to hide from me. I wont hate him if he leaves me to find someone new, but he doesnt want to divorce he wants to keep fixing us yet things keep repeating. I feel like im just waiting for him to leave i have n courage to say its enough...i know we both love and care for eachother but..i know this is not how a marriage works...
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I'm horrified! I knew my insurance would go up due to getting a new car but I didn't expect it to go up over $2,000. I did have an accident with the snow/ice in the winter. I was just telling my brother that I have had my car since March 2, 2026 and have only spent $75 on an oil change. Now this! I called another insurance company and their quote was over $4,000. I guess I have to pay...
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In my opinion, you are being too nice about this. Him sexting with other women is NOT okay and you NEED to TELL him that if he doesn't stop ALL of this nonsense, that you will leave him.
He will never stop doing this until he has something to lose - You, and his kids.
Stand up for yourself. You are worth it. Your kids are worth it. He needs to wake up and see that you are serious about leaving if he does not stop ALL of this texting with other girls. He can not do any of it anymore. I can almost guarantee you he has had sex with these girls and you HAVE to put your foot down and tell him to stop all of it or you are GONE.
Is there a reason you are okay with him doing this?
Thank you for your comment. I hear you thank you. i think ur right too about the exploring how we met when we were young. So i saw it as he just needed to grow up n it was explain in ou sessions. I havent found any sexualIy txt but i do have thought there prob intimate ones sent n lies about me. we have done the time apart from eachother thing too in the past which we are still here... im not okay with the situation or his action. I do think i have a forgiving nature and tend to want to see the good in ppl that they will change n grow. I cant find enough energy and courage to just walk out n not look back...but i know i should...im finding it so hard to do so because of our long hx and things we obstacle we overcame with eachother.
But see, he doesn't think there's anything wrong with what he's doing. He might *say* it's bad and he'll stop.... but then he does it again. And you forgive him over and over. He has no incentive to stop. He likes doing it, that's why he's doing it.
I have been in a similar situation. The only thing that worked was saying I would leave if it happened again and when/if it did, I left.
Can you go back to individual counseling for just yourself? I think it would help you to talk to a therapist about all of this.
I hope you find the strength to love yourself enough to not stand for this. How old are your kids, by the way?
Whatever you do dont attempt to change him it will not work and you will only force his lying in to the dark and deeper.
Love yourself for you, learn how to enrich your own values and spirit.
He must want to change on his own, Losing someone or something is always hard on everyone. We can not allow ourselves to be hurt repeatedly knowing that we do not deserve it.
What would you tell your BF is she was in the same situation? Why would you take your advise?
I pray you are safe and healthy
Thank you for your input i really do appreciate it. I tend to keep my realtionship private only for my counselor so friends and family dont really see the extent of what im going through. Another unhealthy coping skills i learned.... I put on a face everyday like im ok n its not. Ive help alot of my ppl im known get out of rough relationship yet im in this one. I love to see people happy, yet i troubles of feeling happiness. Yes its pretty sad... And i know tend to i always put others before myself...im told to focus on me and not him that he need to fix himself (counseling) and maybe we will meet in the middle. I ve focused on me, my work, my hobbies, reading, implement selfcare, womens group, etc.. But when these situation comes up i found myself roped back to focus on him and repeated actions. I have a next individual session this time with my counselor to reassess. Thank you. ❤
I say this to point out that her family, sisters and brothers never knew of how much pain and suffering she was in, even though they had suffered many of the same childhood issues,
So talk to people, to friends, to family, to therapist, you are not alone unless you put yourself there.
God made us a loving caring beings, that need each other, we just have to reach out and keep telling our story for we do not know who it will help.
It sounds like you have done everything in your power to work through this. You are running out of options and he hasn't changed.
Having a partner who is half in and half out of the relationship must be draining emotionally for you. I'm afraid it sounds as though he's having his cake and eating it. If he is really committed to your marriage and valued you as a person, he wouldn't repeatedly be hurting you in this way.
In my not too dissimilar situation, my husband did this seeking attention behaviour but eventually ended up cheating and destroying our relationship in the process, along with my self esteem and confidence too as he made me feel like it our marriage ending was my fault. I too put his needs before mine all the time and unfortunately the saying is often true - the more you give, the more they take.
Stay strong, visualise how you want a marriage to be (both in!) and really consider what is best for you - only you. Take strength and really lay it out for him - he has a choice. And if he chooses to continue, then you have no option but to leave because he will eventually cheat (if he has not already) and leave you. Look at it this way - you're only wasting time when you could be happy on your own and eventually with someone else!
Sending hugs xx
Thank you so much for your advice i really do appreciate it. Im really glad i found DS. There so many different situations, some similar, but in all im really receiving great advices from everyone. Thank you. ❤
I definitely hear you and relate with those feeling well. Im seeing my counselor weeking laying out what i want in my life...n working on myself too.
Codermom,
Yes i agree with you about men minds are wired differently. Ive ask my counselor too that he needs to write to see his action n how it affect the ppl around.
Yes i also believe its a communication issue too, we just r not on the same page and we went thru counseling together. When i feel things r going well, i find him straying away when to his old patterns.
So, first I hate to hear that you're going through this. Second, I'm a man, so, for what it's worth, here's my perspective...for what it's worth: he won't change until he's pushed to the edge of losing what matters to him most. Some men are drawn to strength, others to weakness. I happen to prefer strength. I like the challenge because I think steel sharpens steel. As a single father, divorced because my ex decided she wanted to date while we were still married, you have to decide to deserve better. I was hell-bent to avoid divorce for my kids' sakes, but I've since learned that you have to be whole if you're going to have any healthy relationships in your life, regardless of the type. You have to matter to yourself, and I say accept nothing less. If you don't value yourself, then how can you expect anyone else to value you? Decide what's important to you. YOU!
Sorry to hear this. My friend was in a similar situation one time in her first marriage. It was very challenging for her to maintain wellness during the breakup. https://womanlylive.com/simple-ways-to-maintain-wellness-during-a-breakdown/ - maybe this article would help you somehow. Good luck!