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sexless marriages/relationships

angc
angc
Okay, I have seen a lot of different posts from women on this community and some others, where there husband/boyfriend doesn't want sex, I have also, recently had my sister and sister-in-law ask about this. I do not understand this at all, whenever I hear of it, my first two thoughts are:
1) they are gay
2) they are cheating
I am no model, but have never been turned down by a man when I initiate sex. I actually questioned my fiance about what was going on one time after we had sex, because it took him a minute longer than usual to get it up and lasted longer (not that that's bad, just wasn't the normal time range), I was correct in thinking something was a little off, but it only turned out to be that he had "taken care of himself," earlier that morning.
I guess what I am wondering is what else would it be? I would be extremely nervous if my fiance started saying no and/or stopped trying. Any straight guys, who are not cheating, said no? Any woman ever found an answer other than the two I listed? I have been told that men too, need to be in the right mind-set, but I have always found it to be alot easier for them to get in that mind- set than women. I just don't understand why there are apparently, so many men not having sex with their wives/girlfriends?? Any thoughts??
deleted_user
deleted_user
I wish I could understand it all better myself. I hear no a lot over the course of our relationship but never got to hear the real reason why. Only- "I'm tired" or why does sex have to be so important to you..." I know there were other things going on in his head- most probably that he didn't really loved me like he pretended to.
I hate him for it. It killed my self-esteem, made me feel like I was crazy and just plain hurt. He really really sucked.

Sorry feeling a little bitter and angry today- which is so much better than sad!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I had a nearly sexless marriage. I heard no a lot. The only time I knew that it would really happen was when I appeared in a new 'costume'
And even then sometimes he told me no. Asking about it only got me a passive aggressive response.
I believe that he was depressed and may have had hormonal problems.
I can tell you that his refusal to communicate about it really did a number on my self-esteem.

I will never be or stay in a relationship like that again.
Jlhorlando
Jlhorlando
I couldn't understand my ex's lack of desire while we were married. It turned out he was cheating, but she live a couple of hours away and he didn't see her all that often. Then I caught him at his computer. He would have rather jerked off to porn than have sex with me. It explained a lot.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I told my ex a few times No. Sometimes I was dead tiered, sometimes she had just annoyed me enough where I wasnt in the mood. \It was a rare thing, but it did happen every so often.

I never cheated and am far from gay.

With my current I couldnt imagine saying no. Sex with her is so much different. I can actually say I crave her touch.
deleted_user
deleted_user
So many posts about how it affects ours self esteem. So true. But in reality, it is a lack of self esteem that causes the men to not want sex in the first place.

Our counselor had said that it is a powerful act that requires a man to feel good about himself and his place in the world. If he feels like a failure...in work, as a father, with his wife, anything...he backs away from sex because society makes men the prominent sexual partner. Sex is the hallmark of manhood. If they don't perform well or don't feel like they are performing well, it is a serious blow to their ego. And the male ego is very fragile.
pemdcat
pemdcat
I was always willing but near the end it's hard to kiss the lips at niht that chew your ass out all day long.......after years of verbal and emotional abuse one just stops trying for sex....
deleted_user
deleted_user
That is true pem...but that is not the case in most instances of male sexual dysfunction. It is a huge problem that isn't being addressed because men are too afraid to talk about it.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I remember back when my husband first started having a lack of sex drive. That was the first thing the doctor explored. He told ME that I needed to "be more sexy and alluring". I was like WTF! I was 20ish, damn hot and very willing. It wasn't because of me that he was having a problem. It was internal but no one wanted to explore that. So the next step was to give him a prescription for Viagra. It gave him a nice big boner..but that wasn't the problem. He had no difficulty getting an erection...he had no desire. No lust. No interest in the whole sex act.

I read every womens article, every book every thing I could to try to "entice" him. To get his interest. One night I decided to do a striptease for him with candles, music and veils etc. and he rolled over and said he just wasn't in the mood. WHAT??!! I'm sorry, but thats just not normal.

Shortly after that he was diagnosed with clinical depression. But all that time, doctor after doctor blamed me. Of course it had to be me because men just don't NOT want sex.
deleted_user
deleted_user
My husband turned me down one time in 20 years. I knew he was under a lot of stress at work and I had made arrangements for a special night. I still feel insecure about that night...

Incomplete erections could be a sign of heart disease. Our diet is horrible and we do not exercise as much as we should. Too much stress everywhere. It's enough to lower anybody's libido.
deleted_user
deleted_user
my ex was screwing around with others, so didn't need or want it from me. He was into porn an addict, and that warps the mind into things that are bad, in his case very bad. It was simple as that, he had no desire for me because his porn and internet women gave him all he needed!
deleted_user
deleted_user
The last few years of my marriage there was plenty of sex -- but he was having it with himself in front of a computer -- what a loser dude he turned out to be! Can you imagine? Preferring cyber chics to a real woman who knows what she's doing? Whatever!!! He sure looked stupid doing it with himself. I mean, once in awhile I can understand, but multiple times daily? I have tried to understand his addiction to porn and masturbation, but it just doesn't matter anymore. He's gone. In fact he's invisible, apparently! (You'd have to be able to read my journal from yesterday to understand the invisibility aspect of him.)
Lucille6
Lucille6
I still dont know 100 % what was exactly his problem.I found evidence of him meeting local girls from online.He , was I believe clinically depressed.When i left after finding the evidence of the women online and him not working for several months.His response to me was so what.He told me in fact he has hated me for the last 3 yrs and not been attracted to me.We had sex in the those 3 yrs of 2tx.Neither was very good for either side.We hadnt slept in the same bed together in 6 yrs. We were married for 12.I went to counseling and he didnt and told me no on several occasions of trying to get him to go to counseling.I even offered more than one type of counseling to him.Always no.I tried like the others to be more sexy and alluring and try new things in the bedroom.Pretty much met with rejection everytime.Im not inthe mood, I bothering him.Why do I ask for it so much, this might be once a month or once a week i asked him.In the end I was actually begging.Hey Docs, I always did bj's.Especially at the time of my menses.We did nt have sex then.So, I learned to get off from giving the bj as much as getting off myself.
deleted_user
deleted_user
How do these old posts get brought back on here?? Wow this one originated in July of last year. That is weird. Maybe a topic that Doug thinks is relevant???
deleted_user
deleted_user
It is sad that so many of us have been affected by this to some degree.
There is a great article I read by Naomi Wolfe (the beauty myth) on the subject.

http://nymag.com/nymetro/news/trends/n_9437/

It's worth reading.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Ok...

I have said no.

Here is why:

1st time ever... W/my first fiancee... We had sex 6 times a day... There comes a point where I can't. So, I had to say no.

In my marriage: My wife said no so many times. And, we had so many sexless months, that when she wanted to, I often found I just wasn't in the mood. Plus, the few times she wanted it were when I was busy doing something else.

Men aren't "always" up for it. They are up for it if there is nothing else going on. But, if you've been married for 7+ years, he's in his mid 30's or older, and you want it 1/2 way through the 3rd quarter of the super bowl... my guess is he'll tell you to wait. (And, for my wife, that was the same as no...) When he comes to you later that night and says he's ready now... You shouldn't turn him away...

anyway...

As a rule... the more you say no, the less interested he'll become as well.
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