Write this stuff down. Keep a diary. Dude is clearly unstable, but that makes him a little dangerous. Write daily, everything.

This is your diary, should you never need to use it in court you can edit. But for now, put everything in.

As to resentment? That is your growth step. Resentment is something we allow ourselves to do rather than resolve or expose or fix or accept.

Most of our conversations have been through Facebook so it's well documented. And there is a police report for the suicide attempt since I was the one who called because he attempted while I was on the phone with him...I hope it never has to go to court but my kids are my life and I'd never knowingly put them in a potentially dangerous/bad situation.

As for the resentment how do I take the steps to accepting it and believing it really. I accept the fact that his words and actions don't match and I accept that I am not going to get money to help with the additional expenses. What I struggle with the most in terms of resentment is that it's the kids paying for it in the end because I can only make so much money to give them what they need and want.

I would make sure you get enough info he can’t have unsupervised visits

Let's not be malicious here Calirn. A father has a right to a relationship with his kids but far more importantly, they have a right to a relationship with him. He may not be able to give them much right now, but in 20 yrs he might have exactly what they need.

OP - your resentment comes from expectations not met.

Your expectations have been false. You didn't know it, but you didn't have wisdom when you set yourself up. You backed the wrong horse, and it was your bet that you laid. So it's down to you and you have nobody to resent.

Your children are alive. That is something they never would have had without him. So they're currently running at a gain. So they have nothing to resent.

And in closing: if he were dead you'd be paying it all. So don't sweat it. At least he's not dead. At least he's going to be able to take them for every other weekend or similar, which will be good for all of them.

Bridgie101 I guess I am somewhat confused by your last post now....my resentment is in the fact that he has a bunch of extra money to go do all these things he wouldn't do when we were together(things he believes I should look at as him growing and changing into a better father and husband) and that he is using lack of money as an excuse not to come see his children(he now lives 4 hours away). I've offered for him to stay here and eat my food for the weekend and I'd leave just so that all he has to pay is gas and he downright refuses to because he wants to see me and hang out with me and won't be able to do that if I'm not here when he is. I have offered to take a weekend off work to take them down to see him but he doesn't want his kids to see his house with "nothing" in it(he moves to a new place on Nov 1 and I offered for the weekend or 2 after). He is currently staying with his mother rent free and could be saving money to purchase the items(which basically are beds and blankets and a couch and tv because I gave him half of everything else and even offered the bed but he didn't want it) but instead decided to rent a 4 bedroom place on the premise of getting me and the kids back only 2 months after starting a new job when he could have gotten himself completely set up if he'd have waited 1 extra month. Obviously that is his choice and he has his reasons but again the kids pay as I was willing to work with him just so he could see his kids but I was met with excuses since our families both live there and the kids didn't necessarily need to sleep over there. He is still financially responsible to help pay for extraordinary expenses for his children incur regardless of us not being together. I understand he has other obligations that he needs for himself and had agreed to only the child support right now and the additional costs in the future, based on the fact of him needing all of these things. Not to be able to go out for meals multiple times a week, to the movies, to get drunk with friends etc and then tell me he can't afford to come see the kids or give extra for things. That is where my resentment comes from and I do not feel that is expectations that were not to be had. I don't get to go do all those things because at the end of the day I have 4 kids to feed and keep a roof over and insure they're happy and taken care of. But that includes their dad coming to see them or them being able to go there.

Let it go! :) Wash it all downstream. You are alive. Your children are alive. That is wonderful.

Let them have free access to their father, always. But not let him have custody. He is not mentally healthy enough to have custody. But every other weekend? Definitely.

let it be between them. Don't try for it, don't try against it.

If you were a tiger in the woods, you would be providing everything for your cubs. That's the bottom line you have to hold in mind to keep feeling positive. Anything better than that is good.

Having your children all alive is good.

Ok well you putting it that way absolutely makes far more sense than what you'd previously written! Lol

My kids are my world and my main priority. I do everything I can for them every day to make sure they are happy and healthy and I am definitely glad they're alive and well and I am also glad their dad is alive as well.

I would love for him to take them every other weekend, and split the holidays etc. I've told him he can see and talk to them whenever he wants. My kids(not my 7 year old but he has skype) have their own phones specifically so that they can contact him whenever they want. It has been his reasons/excuses stopping contact with them, not me.

I will continue to focus my energy on being the best mom I possibly can be to my kids. I am just struggling with letting go of the resentment because it's my babies who are going to get hurt because of it and that's hard to deal with. Does that make more sense?

Hey, I'm sorry you're going through this. I have to say it sounds like your ex is still pretty messed up in his thinking. It does not sound like he's interested in seeing the kids or he would have taken you up on your offer to visit them for the weekend, so I don't know how reasonable it is to expect him to kick in extra money. He's focused on himself right now, probably because he's intrinsically self-absorbed or because that's where his mental health team has asked him to put his time and interest.

I spent many years a psychiatric social worker and his behavior is typical manipulation. He tried with manipulate you with the suicidal gesture. I'm supposing this because you were the one he communicated with and had to call emergency services. When he didn't get what he wanted, he tried getting you to change your mind by dazzling you with all the positive changes he's made in his life. I would expect him to try to leverage you by not contributing any more than the courts demand as a way of making your realize that you need his money, even if you don't need him.

I would suggest you continue to stand firm, be polite, and try to disengage with him a little bit. Keep good contact about the kids, but remember Facebook is not a good place to document conversations. He can just delete his FB account and all that information disappears. Take screen shots of important stuff and store it on your hard drive. Keep a back up in a protected cloud account or flash drive. Don't be obvious about the fact that you are documenting or mention it to him. Remember, everything you say to a manipulator is ammunition they will eventually use against you. Good luck dealing with this difficult situation.

I totally get the financial stuff. My irresponsible ex not only blew all of the money we earned over the years but also most of my inheritance from my mom. Four months post divorce he then loses his job for cause. Any reasonable person would be watching their wallets. Not my ex. Last week I had emergency oral surgery and couldn't pick my son up from the train station. My ex got him. My son told me that dad was in the middle of a golf game. How nice for him. He's not paying his support obligations anymore because he hasnt started receiving unemployment yet but somehow he can afford a $60 round of golf. Resentment much? You bet. Yesterday he took the boys out golfing and then to dinner. He's not working to get a job either. I resent the unfairness of it all, and the fact that there's little I can do about it. At least not now. I will pursue all of this, but that's expensive. Lawyers are not cheap. I just try to accept that I'm showing the kids how to live responsibly and hope they understand that how he is living is unwise.

You DO have a right to feel resentment. These kids belong to both of you and its a given single parenting is hard whether sucessfully coparenting or no support from other parent. But given suicide attemp he os struggling right now. I am never for taking kids away from other parent in weakness but the fact he isnt wanting to see them is distrurbing. I be upset. My kids dad was evil to me but always saw kids and was good to them so i really cant relate to that. It does get easier

Thank you all for your responses. I do have things written down as well as screenshotted etc to keep everything I need to remember. I did finally blow up at him yesterday and flat out said that if his kids were important to him that he would have been to see them at least once in 40 days especially given the fact I was literally willing to displace myself and go stay with a friend for a weekend so he could spend time with them and only have to pay for gas. He completely refused to stay at my house without me so I finally three my hands in the air and said fine I will remain home but I put some "rules" in place. I said that he was to be coming to see the kids and if I so chose to go out somewhere that he was not to stop me etc. He agreed and said they are important to him. So he showed up an hour before I was done work and surprised the kids. Surprise was on him apparently because he was quick to tell me that they weren't even the least bit excited to see him. I feel bad but can not change it. I do not bad mouth him to them. If it's a question that he needs to answer I direct them to him or say I'm not sure. So basically when I got home it wasn't long after kids all went to bed and the usual "this is how I'm changing, I need and want you back, I miss you" talk started. Quickly followed by him wanting sex because it's been so long and he doesn't wanna find it elsewhere. Blah blah blah. Ugh I was totally 100% manipulated and know it now and knew it then I think. But my kids at least get to see their dad this weekend....the plus side is I am standing my ground regardless of what he says and wants

I don't think childhood is a pleasure. it is an apprenticeship. Adults and other children are very real with children; so children get a lot of data input about reality. Good and bad.

Dad sounds like a giant twat. The kids will get wise to him. His problem.

I think he needs to take them away to his place when he has them. Wherever that may be. If he can't take them to stay then he can take them out to a movie or the zoo for the afternoon.

My dad used to walk into the house and check mum's fridge. It did her head in, because he'd come and get us on a saturday and she would have got her welfare and bought food on the Friday. So he saw us as having everything we needed. He never saw what we ate on thursday. :D

But it is what it is. Kids get wise. And that's all they need to do.

Sorry bridg, can't agree with you on this one.

Lostinthecycle: Your resentment is real and it is clear to see why its there, this man should be saving his money to come and visit his children on the weekends and instead he's blowing it on going out and doing crap with his drinking buddies during the week. And he has no interest in seeing his kids, he only wants to come around if he gets to see you. Yeah I'd be resentful as hell and pretty pissed as well.

I don't know how separation works in Canada, but with all this guy is putting you through you definitely need to go through the Courts and have a Legal Separation with Child Support and Visitation Orders put in place. He's not going to willingly work with you on these issues, and you shouldn't have to do it all by yourself, its expensive providing for 3 children and he's got money to blow apparently. I would also insist on Supervised Visitation because he's displayed troubling Emotional/Mental Health issues and he's just bouncing around from one Mental Space to the next, you have to worry about keeping your children safe, and he's not worried about those children at all, he's only worried about himself.

I'm sorry that your having so much trouble, it sounds like you made the right decision with the separation, and now like most mothers, your doing all you can to keep your children clothed, fed and safe. It'd be great if everyone could dispatch of marriages amicably without going through the Courts, but it doesn't sound like your ex is going to make that doable, and you definitely need help getting what you deserve to help you take care of those children and also making sure they see their father safely....until his brain snaps back on and he understands that his kids need him.

Hang in there and take care,
Kat

Let me point out that childhood truly is an apprenticeship, so what do you think your children are learning this weekend? Kids are pretty sharp. They can easily tell their father cares more about getting back with you then spending time with them. They can see it in his facial expression and how he's interacting with them.

Maybe you don't see it because he's so busy putting on the show he thinks you want to see, but kids are kind of like animals in that they instinctively know certain things. This weekend they're probably getting a big snout full of how daddy doesn't really give a crap about me and mommy feels so guilty about it that she's doing everything she can to compensate. They might have been able to remain blissfully ignorant of the full impact of this situation if you hadn't allowed yourself to be manipulated. No blaming, just pointing out how unhealthy it is for your kids to be caught up in this.

What are you hoping they learn from such a situation? That they aren't worthy of daddy's love? That everything is really all about mommy? That they pawns to be moved around on the chess board as each of you try to figure out how to get something from each other that the other is not willing to give? That grown up's only care about themselves and kids don't really matter in the general scheme of things.

What is a father in your world? Is it a guy who donates sperm, so come hell or high water, he get access to vulnerable young minds and emotions? Is it some kind of sanction to neglect your kids but still have your ex-wife prop up some kind of painfully fake relationship so those poor kids can feel like they have a father? I'm truly confused about what your goal here is, cause it looks to me like that in regards to the kids, you are pulling that band-aid off painfully slow, making sure you and they feel every inch of hurt. There is nothing useful to be gained by having someone like this around your children, so why are you trying so hard to force them together?

I know that I'm being harsh and it isn't to hurt your feelings, it's to get you to see things differently. You deserve so much better than this situation and so do your children. In case you aren't picking up on it, I worried about a lot of stuff when I was a kid and understood so much more than my parents gave me credit for at the time.

It is terribly difficult to see your child come to a realization about their minimally invested parent. My 17 year old actually told his dad that he thought it would be better for all if dad just moved out, pre-divorce. He loves his dad but knows what would be best for him (my son). Dad just said that he couldn't do it. Screw what his son was saying to him, it's all about dad and his pain. Give me a f'ing break. Your ex is all about himself too. Your kids are experiencing pain in knowing that they're not a priority to their dad. Do what you can to ensure they talk about these feelings, to you, another trusted adult, or maybe to a school counselor.

I don't think lostinthecycle is trying to slowly rip the bandaid off, I think she's trying to give her kids what all kids need: an involved father. The reality unfortunately looks like he can't be that. With what happened this weekend, I think the ground rules need to be that he sees the kids for a day or afternoon if he's not going to have them at his place. He can find a place to stay overnight near you if he wants the overnight. No need for you to vacate your house (which I realize he said he didn't want you to do) - that's you giving him too much power over you. Doesn't sound like either side (kids/dad) would benefit from more time than that, at least now. If he wants to rebuild a relationship with them, he has to do the hard work. He has to show and make the real effort. Is he the one who moved a couple of hours away? If so, you're not the one who should bring the kids to him - he comes to them. He can save his drinking/gym/movie money for, let's say - medical expenses and school supplies, which in my state are necessary things for kids to have. That's what child support helps cover. I think the bottom line is that you can't/shouldn't bend over backwards to get him to see the kids. He does or he doesn't, sorry to say.

I too am rebuilding myself with new things to do that will instill more confidence in me, build myself up, as your ex seems to suggest he's doing. Just about none of them involve money. I save my money for my son's prescription acne medication, a new school backpack, a yearbook to celebrate his final year in high school, new jeans because he's still growing, the SAT test, and college application fees. Like yours, my ex uses his money for golf and meals out. Stuff for him.