Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
im one month into a separation and so lost, one day my wife of 9 years came home and asked me to decide what we should go do, i was a lil tired and couldnt decide, and that was it, he had it, she texted my step-daughter and her boyfriend to come help get all her stuff and she moved out nd in with them. one week or so later she texts me and says she has to leave the state and back to her old home to stay with a friend, she had to go because even with a good job, i put her in a bad debt and she couldnt afford to live here anymore, she was living with me in my folks home while i took care of my dad everyday. for years off and on she would catch me talking to women online and each time i told her id never again, and things were fine for a few months maybe even almost a year untill it happened again, she also doesnt like how id text and ask where she was or whats she was doing all the time, and theres more, but im not even sure about posting all this here. i posted this because today she texted me saying i texted her too much and she needs more space. before then ive told her how much i truely changed since she left, ill admit, i never once thought she would ever leave me, and having that done to me has changed my outlook so much, my focus and my 110% self inwanting her back, loving her completely and no phoning it in everyday of her life and that im ready to be everything she needs. she tells me that maybe in a few months we can talk, our anniversry is in march and im a total reck, ive never loved another woman do much
It sounds like a little too little, a little too late.
"each time i told her id never again, and things were fine for a few months maybe even almost a year untill it happened again"
Same song and dance she has heard over and over. After a while, it gets real old.
They seem little at the time,but in truth they change us, and the life around us. If you truly wanted to change and be with her you would have. Now all you can do is learn from your pain, and treat the next one better without taking them for granted.
Tomorrows about looking forward not back.
I think you maybe have some kind of codependency issue, in that you need her, right? You need her to be stable and in a set place in your world, and you don't feel safe or n ormal without her there.
You need her desperately, need to know where she is all the time - and yet you also want to play the field a bit.
This reeks of anxiety and codependence, which are things inside ourselves we have to look into and find out about. I think maybe your desperate need for the stability she brings translates into you thinking you love her, but I suspect maybe you will find that when you've readjusted you actually don't love her, there are things about her that drive you up the wall,
Right now you feel like that guy that went out of the space ship to fix the problem whose tether broke and he's free wheeling out into space. It's a horrible, horrible feeling, unbearable.
but you will after a while of being terrified and freaked out learn how to fly around out there and that's when the terror goes. maybe when you can move around you don't want that particular space ship any more.
Maybe you find you want to travel around and try out a few other space ships.
Okay I'll kill the analogy but what I'm saying is that you're freaking out righ tnow and you want your stability back but it's an old stability, a bad stability, it was a stability that didn't work for you, and didn't work for the wife. So sit about in a state of freakout for a while, stay unstable for a while, and shift yourself to a new state.
it's awful but it works. You will be glad you did it. And if you do get back together with her, it will be from a new place, not the old panic/desperation but because you actually want her most of all and don't want anybody else.
Does this help? I hope I make sense. You're going to have to go through this awful time. xx
the fact that these women meant nothing to you but you continued with it tells me it was a compulsion, ie an anxiety based thing. You needed to do it. Like gambling, or smoking or something: compelled.
Also I think your fear of the wife getting kissed etc became overwhelming. Compulsion again. You can't save people.
I think definitely you need these months apart. You need a separation time to just come back inside yourself. Working at getting her back is working at getting yourself locked into an old framework that didn't work for either of you. You need to be released from the confines of your old roles, splurge a bit, come to rest in a new space... and then see how you both are.
I think marriage locks us into a space we can't grow from sometimes, if the other person is growing in a different direction, or wants us to stay the same, then the whole thing gets jammed. Pulling the cogs apart sometimes is the only thing we can do to make it all come right.
Try not to think too much. Distract yourself if you need to: the time will pass whatever you do and for me it was all about the passage of time.
the best outcome will happen in the end.
If you truly love her and are willing to be committed to her and only her then i would do everything in my power to show her you mean it and are ready to start your relationship over.
YOU DO NOT CHEAT FOR YEARS, ACT CONTROLLING, AND THEN PRETEND YOU LOVE THE PERSON. That's not what love is. Love is base on mutual attraction, respect and honesty. Actually, you sound like you have unresolved power and control issues. You only ever want what you can't have. Will coercing her into coming back to be ego gratifying for you?
You're on the wrong board, BTW.
If it is, then maybe you have a chance at reconciliation. But if it is not, why should she believe that this time is going to be any different from all the other promises you have made to her? Because you really, REALLY, REALLLYYY mean it this time? Because you made her a music CD?
You mention re-newing your vows and "mean them this time around". WTF is that?
Sorry, but you have been playing her for quite a while. She has finally had enough of the games and has called your bluff.
I agree with the other poster who suggested that you are co-dependent. That you are more concerned with not being without her than you are with being fully committed to her and behaving in such a manner to show your commitment to her and the marriage.