Hi there,

I’m really sorry to hear about what you’re going through right now, it sounds as though you feel very helpless in this situation that has seemed to almost come out of nowhere, which is understandable.

Picked up on a couple of things that you mentioned, you said your whole world revolves around this man? I have also too been guilty of this. And when you mentioned friends you said ‘ours’ do you have any friends that are not mutual that you share hobbies and great times with separately and does he?

Sometimes I feel like you can do everything right in a relationship but as people change and the world changes so unfortunately do feelings and it sounds like he’s now missing something he never thought about before.

I however don’t condone what he has done in the sense of talking to another woman, and it sounds like you maybe haven’t been harsh enough on him for this. When clearly it must have hurt you. You worry about how this situation with his mother has effected him...has he showed as much remorse for his wrong doings?

Depending when his mum passed away, grief can provoke strong subconscious emotions within us, Did he get any counselling for himself when this happened?

And have you suggested couples counselling?

I would put this suggestion to him, I think maybe it’s a case of for whatever reason he has stopped putting you as high value in his life, sometimes people need to be faced with losing something to realise how lucky they actually are. Maybe this is what he needs?

I’m sorry I don’t have anymore comfort or insight to offer, hopefully there will be an honest male opinion put forward in this thread that could help a bit more.

I think I can help with this, in terms of male ego, resentment etc.

There were things I believed about my partner for many years, she is wonderful in many ways. But the negative thoughts I had built in my head began to obscure all else.

To the point where all I could see were my negative version of reality. When we love someone, we often put them on a pedestal and are far more critical and unforgiving of our perception of their flaws, than we would be anyone’s else.

I always felt love, but I always felt the resentment you are speaking of. It was never a deal breaker until the stress in my overall life reached a point that I didn’t really recognise. All frustrations then kind of being blamed on her. Compounding with some kind of mid life crisis also.

It was only when I thought I had lost my soul mate that I began to see clearly. In horror I see my behaviours.

You describe a very healthy relationship with your husband. But maybe he just has something internal going on that is beyond your control.

I have always thought dialogue and intimacy open all doors. Maybe take some time for yourselves and have conversation without prejudice. Break everything apart then see how it all fits back together

@Sjcapri Thank you so much. So much of what you wrote resonated
with me. No, we don't have a lot outside of each other and we both thought that was ok...but I guess not. I definitely believe we had some codependency happening that we didn't realize wasn't a good thing. We were just this couple who were always so great together and thought we had it all figured out with none of the stressors of other relationships - joke was on us.
He has show little/no remorse in talking to the woman (I think he is trying to downplay it because he doesn't feel it meant anything --- (maybe not to him, but to me it did). I hold a lot of saddness for that decision he made, but I think I have chosen to set it aside and try to just fight for us, then I will deal with that when the time comes. I know most would have kicked him out on his butt...but I truly believe, knowing him for as long as I have that all of this is not in his character and something else is going on. Frankly he has shown absolutely nothing at all around me since this happened. He is numb to me.
We are speaking in a few days for the first time after no contact and IF he doesn't just end it, I plan to suggest we do that.
I refuse to beg for him back if I know he doesn't want it, but I also have a little fight left in me.
Maybe he does need to lose me for him to realize, I just fear all that goes with that to have made a mistake - selling house, dividing assets, pensions etc.

@defdean343 Thank you for the male insight, I really appreciate it.
Can I ask, what did she do to have you think you had lost her forever? Was there anything that a friend, councilor or even she could have said that would have made you realize that it wasn't her (even thought you genuinely felt it was) and that something in you needed to be more aware of it /change? Was it forgiveness you gave her?

You aren't going to like my answer I suspect.

All the negativity I perceived weighed on me more heavily over the years. I felt more and more powerless and cut off.

I got very drunk with a female friend and we crossed the line.

This being why I thought I lost her. My negativity put me on a path of destruction.

In some ways I'm glad it happened. The shock and self disgust I felt gave me perspective. The fear of losing her, only to ever feel her hatred made me realise what I had taken for granted.

Life is complicated, as our emotions. We nurture our frustration and resentment with no real idea what to do with them, or resolve them.

It can take upheaval and fear to have insight into our own behaviours.

My wife and I had long standing issues, that we couldn't find common ground on. Her actions being contradictory to her words.

So no, I don't think there was anything she could say, or maybe I couldn't hear. We just weren't communicating in a healthy way.

I think what I did was in many ways a cry for help and an act if self sabotage.

I wish it hadn't happened, but my needing to earn her forgiveness and face my fears opened doors between us

I can tell you’re aware of your own value and also the value of what you had prior to this and I do not blame you at all for wanting to fight for it.

Co dependency is something I’ve also struggled with, it does trick us into thinking everything is fine the way it is, but we can never tell just how the other person feels about it on a deeper level. So maybe if things work out this time and he’s willing to work on it, make a conscious effort to make yourself feel just as happy outside of the relationship too, it’s something I’m always having to remind myself to do, and it is a struggle sometimes.

I would find it incredibly frustrating being in your situation and see a man become so disengaged and unwilling to fight for something great.
I’m sure he knows this deep down. But it’s completely covered with all this other mess he has going on in his head.

I worry that your loyalty and understanding combined with his fragile state of himself right now could prompt him to do more hurtful things to you, I know there are circumstances where these things are a one off, but I would hate for you to end up in a bad cycle.

I think you need to install some fear into him if I’m honest. Show him that his behaviour has caused you doubts, show him that you know how he’s behaving isn’t healthy for either of you. And something needs to change, And you’re not scared of walking if you have to, even if you are.
He’s wallowing in grief and pushing people away and questioning how his life is, but don’t enable his behaviour by being too kind to him. You deserve kindness and care just as much as he does.

I think it’s great that you’ve done no contact,
And maybe when you talk in a few days, don’t lay all your cards out on the table straight away, don’t try to be too understanding of him, or express how much the relationship means to you. I would however mention that the messaging has made you question where your feelings stand. Remind him that you exist in the relationship too. Force him to take the lead on offering solutions because it should be him wanting that the same if not more at this point.
Because even if he can’t see it right now, from an outsiders point of view he has more to lose.

I think counselling would be good, but he does have to want it himself, and I wonder if input from friends has maybe made him feel pressure which sometimes can push people in the opposite direction, especially if he’s reverted into a stubborn/selfish/ child like mind set.


In these horrible situations I always prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
I will keep everything crossed for you that he has had an epiphany and comes to his senses, sometimes a little space is all he’ll need, sometimes he might need more.

Feel free to message me anytime, even if you just need to vent, as I know sometimes just having an outlet for bottled up emotions can make us feel lighter and less burdened.

You didn't say your age range, but did you two get together very young? Because sometimes this kind of thing happens when you get together young... one day the other person wants to see what else there is in life.

If you want to fight for this marriage, and I am not clear from your post if you do, then marriage counseling would be the next step. Need an unbiased third party to discuss this with (not you guys' friends).

I have suspicions about him talking with this other woman and whether or not she was the only one he was talking to. You could ask him. Not sure if he will be honest about it, though. You could tell him that it hurt you to find out he turned to someone else when he should have been turning toward YOU.

You seem like a very nice woman who has worked really hard at this marriage. One suspects he may regret what he is doing.

I don't buy the mother thing, though I could easily say a guy trying to deflect by talking about that. I do think there is a good chance he is having an affair. Additionally, without kids, there's a possible tendency to try something out for variety- not defending that just noting it.

I'd be inclined to say to him (once) I love you but I am mad. If you want to try to work this out together I think we can get through that. My love for you is that strong. However, if you insist on BSing me and maintaining another relationship and leaving, that's your call boss, but I'm telling you now there will be no guarantee I will be around later. I'm a little tougher than you realize, I can see what happening and hear your words and I will make adjustments.

It’s not in his character to cheat. It never is in a cheater’s character, until they do it...He realizes, as you do, that you had a great relationship, and he destroyed that by going outside of the relationship. So, how does he deal with the guilt of what he’s done? By trying to find ways to make you responsible for his decision. So, he blames you for not being able to spend enough time with his mom before she died...all the while, he has to know - that’s just life. Saying he’s lost a connection with you, and doesn’t know if he can get it back...is a shady way of saying he’s found a new connection. I hope I’m completely off base, but either way, I do think you’re on the right track by going no contact. Trying to compete with a “new connection” is like trying to race a fresh sprinter when you haven’t even finished the marathon you’ve been running. The prospect of ending your relationship - especially divorce, is probably not going to be real to him until it stares him in the face. Right now, whether or not he’s talking to this other woman, he’s probably not thinking clearly about what direction he’s really headed. I know it sucks, but you’re strong, keep your head on straight, get him to try counseling. Wish you the best.

@lovewinsright?
I had almost the same experience a few months ago. Married 13 years 11 months and my husband announced out of the blue that he no longer had a connection with me, had felt that way for almost a year, tried to fix it himself and didn’t think he could get it back... He finally told me because hiding it from me was causing him to become extremely frustrated over the most minute things and lashed out at others. He said it was him - not me... Well I must’ve done something to trigger it, right? No issues prior to that other than he’d been acting distant but denied any issue(s) in our relationship or towards me when I asked on several occasions. Please do not ‘wait’ for him to make a decision - I did the same thing. I didn’t expect forever - I just wanted a CHANCE to try to fix whatever it was that went ‘wrong’. Just as I’d started accepting all of it, he FINALLY told me a month and a 1/2 later that he wanted to work on us. I was ELATED! We started counseling, our counselor told him from what he shared he was holding an enormous amount of resentment towards me but he couldn’t/wouldn’t specify the exact reason to work through it... He never truly put in any effort into the activities we were given - despite what he said to me, I knew and that HURT so much more. He finally ended us again 52 days after he said he wanted to ‘reconcile’. I’m now picking myself up off the floor again - it doesn’t get any easier the second time around...
I’ve ask been trying for months to find an ‘answer’ but will most likely never find out what actually caused him to loose his connection. I’m a fixer who can’t find the problem or a solution to fix this. Friends/family keep telling me he will realize his mistake and that will be his burden to bear. That doesn’t make it feel any better in my heart despite their intention. Regardless - you deserve someone who is willing to have open/honest communication and willing to fight/hold on to you to resolve the issue whether it’s them, you or your relationship. I’ve been told by my therapist - those people are out there and that’s what I/we deserve to find...

@Phoenix060520 Thank you for your message. Yes you sounds like you are in the exact same position and I am so sorry for that. My heart is with you as you trudge your way through this. It honestly has to be one of the worst experiences of a lifetime and especially at the hands of someone we loved and trusted with our heart & soul. The devastation from that is enough in of its self besides all the fears, anxiety, life change and heartbreak that goes along with the whole experience.
Did you do no contact at all in hopes he would see what was paining him before you did counselling?
I just feel so devastated of it being over - one minute I am strong independent woman who doesn't need this shit and the next I am a blubbering mess asking how I could have been so horrible to have been married to. I think that is what gets me the most. How this struggle in his mind as to whether to give us a shot or not, has him in such turmoil. I have thought back on things and yes there are some things I need to work on for myself, but I can honestly say that I cannot find the cause of what has him hating me so much.
Everyone says "its not you, its him", but how do you go on in life not thinking you are a horrible person when your husband ends your marriage for no real reason.
How are you doing now? Did you find anything that worked with the heartbreak. I have found journalling to actually be pretty therapeutic, also talking to whoever will listen and give perspective. We do deserve men who want to come after us, not that we have to try to win back. If they dont want us, then they dont deserve us. Stay Strong

@defdean343 would you say your needing to find forgiveness was a roadblock for you?

@Bobby5000 Thank you for your response. I love what you wrote about what I should say. It is exactly what I am thinking. I want to work on this and I think we have that much between us that we CAN make it work, but NOT if there is someone else in the picture. We are in no contact for a month (ends Monday) and to this point, from what I understand, he still isnt sure what he wants.
Why is he struggling so much? Why won't he just end it? He is already checked out. Is it an ego things for guys to not be the ones to pull the trigger and he is waiting for me to do it???

@Sjcapri HI, he actually doesn't seem to want to talk to friends. Hadn't even told his best friend until he called him out. He has volunteered the info to no one...which i find strange - not even his family. I guess shame? guild? uncertainty?

I also am preparing for the worst and him calling it quits when we meet. It will be just as devastating as it was when he first told me he had lost connection. I am trying to best prepare for that though. His actions are just so strange and I HAVE to think there is more to this, but until I get any answers from him, I am at a loss.
Thank you so much for your encouragement.

@Lovewinsright
I apologize for the length in advance... Honestly - I’m still up and down every day. I take it day by day, sometimes it goes down to hour by hour. There are days I can go for the entire day being ok - not good/great but ok. Then I will suddenly burst into tears just before I go to bed and end up crying for the majority of the night. I lean on the few people in my life who’ve been through divorce and aren’t tired of me talking about ‘us’. Or those who are willing to just listen and don’t tell me I should just ‘let it go’ like so many people have told me I should do. It’s a grieving process - yes, the individual is still alive/here but you are grieving the loss of your life together/relationship...

No contact is better for me but I don’t believe it would’ve change the outcome in my relationship. I recommend it for you as a way for you to gain clarity, heal and to prevent yourself from being triggered - not as a technique for him to have time to ‘think’. I tried it based on advice from friends and family. Looking back - I now believe he only offered to try and reconcile because he felt he ‘owed’ it to me despite me telling him to not make his decision using that mindset because it would never work. I ‘see’ now he was already checked out emotionally and ‘good’ with his decision before he disclosed it to me...

I’d also gotten into the habit of running through our entire relationship/life and start nitpicking every action/statement I’ve ever made in the past 16 years. I’m still learning how to catch myself from continually looking inward in a negative manner at my actions to find an explanation for our ‘mess’. I still struggle with not blaming myself - my therapist has been consistent in trying to convince me that it really is him no matter how much I try to argue/invalidate that statement. No one is perfect, everyone has scars/a past/issues, do things that may unintentionally hurt someone else etc. My husband and I have had numerous conversations where I acknowledged/accepted full responsibility for my part in the relationship. It changed nothing for him and only made me feel like a horrible person/wife... The disappointing truth is I/you may never actually find out the ‘reason’ and there is nothing I/you can do to change that - it’s out of my/your control.

When I start sliding back into that habit - I try to remind myself - ‘to what end? What will it serve me to find the answer(s)? I also have a note with the quote ‘ To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.’ from Lewis B. Smedes that helps redirect my mindset towards myself in a more positive direction. Distance is best for my health/mindset - I do better when I don’t speak to/see/get a text from him. I go to weekly therapy, I have done a lot of work identifying particular triggers that set me off and then do my best to recognize and remove myself from a situation where I could be triggered. I do my best to keep myself busy with my job/home/dog etc. Daily Strength was recommended by my therapist as a support resource - I literally registered today and found your post in the first 5 minutes. That made me realize that I’m not as alone as I feel... I also do my best to take care of myself. I’m nowhere near being consistent in any of those coping techniques yet. I also recognize that I’m doing my best and allow myself some grace when I forget...

My husband also refuses to speak with most of our family/mutual friends about his decision. Even though it feels like you’re the one who’s ‘giving up’ and it hurts more than you feel you can stand - there are two people in a relationship and both have to be open/willing to actively listen to each other’s feedback, acknowledge the things they could adjust/improve about themselves and whole heartedly be willing to put in the effort to make those changes for the other. It is an absolutely heartbreaking and mind numbing thought to consider - if you both aren’t willing to put in 100% it will never be successful... All you can do right now is focus on yourself - your needs, your healing and how you will move forward for you and only you...

Please remember - it takes two to make a relationship work. This is a horrible life experience to have to face/endure. I can’t tell you exactly when it will get better - there’s no timeline on an individual’s grieving process. You will be a stronger/more confident person, you will know exactly what you want/need in a partner and know what you are no longer willing to accept/put up with in a relationship once you complete your process...