Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
This is the third time I attempted to write this. I am 48, been married to this wife for 21 years. I was married before for 5 years. I have 5 grown children between the two wives.
I have bipolar disorder. I have been on medication for it for many years. I question whether or not I really have bipolar disorder or I take medication to cope with a bad relationship and a troubled past. I am hard of hearing and wear bilateral hearing aids. I need cochlear implants but I am not sure if I am ready for them yet. They seem invasive and permanent.
I am self employed. I employ my family, my sons, two daughters, my wife and my brother. My brother has recently been diagnosed with cancer and starts chemotherapy and radiation tomorrow for two tumors in his neck. I am a plumber and have been plumbing for around 27 years. I also hold an MBA. I am working on my DSL. It's been a dream to work in a climate controlled environment without physical labor and dealing with people's body fluids and waste for a while now. I figure my body will come to a point where I can't do the physical labor anymore and I will need to do something else or end up as a greater at WalMart when I am older. I haven't been able to build a retirement nest egg other than my house value.
I have alcoholic cirrhosis. The funny thing is I never considered myself an alcoholic. Maybe I am because I have an alcoholic drink now and then even though I am not supposed to.
My wife runs my business and I usually work in the field. It's been like this since I started my business. I have a hard time talking on the phone due to my hearing loss. I have recently got a caption phone app that has helped me overcome some of my problems talking on the phone. I bought some better hearing aids with Bluetooth technology recently but they broke pretty quick after I bought them. I have profound/severe hearing loss and I sweat a lot when I am working so I guess I am a little hard on the hearing aids.
Anyway, about my marriage...
Last week I took my wife to Puerto Rico for a week for her birthday. We seemed to have a good time. We had nobody to bother us like we do at home. The two youngest still live at home and my daughter who is 22 has her boyfriend living with us. Everyone but me smokes weed.
I figured my wife would be thankful for the good week last week. She's not happy now. She's unhappy working at my company. I feel like she had issues of feeling like she hasn't achieved anything on her own. She went to college after I pushed her and earned her BA in psychology. She dropped out during her Masters. She blames me because she feels like I wouldn't support her working for free as an intern, which is crazy because hopefully it would lead to a great career for her. She's had jobs in the past she had to take time off of to take kids to the doctor. She's never earned as much as me so it made sense financially to have her do this. Now she resents me for it. I had problems with some of her jobs in the past. She did not make much money and would do crazy things like spend the night at her job for free watching kids at a daycare for a lockout. I never understood that one. Other jobs she had she would end up screwing some guy or end up hanging out at work after work and not coming home. I cheated too in the past. I used to let sex control me. The doctors said it was part of my bipolar disorder to be hyper sexual. I am over that. I feel like my hormone levels changed and sex is not as important as it used to be. It's not a justification or an excuse. I was a terrible human being for cheating. I stopped cheating years ago. She doesn't cheat anymore either but I have always been cautious about her putting herself in a situation where she might do that again. I guess I really don't trust her fully to be faithful still to this day. I always felt like if I gave her an inch, she would take 5 miles. I don't want to be controlling or anything. Girlfriends for me were ways to ignore the abuse I endured through my relationship. My wife has been physically abusive as well as mentally abusive to me.
We've been through the divorce process a couple of times in the past and I had them thrown out twice. I've moved to spare bedrooms and even my own apartment. She moved into my apartment, so I moved back to the house with her after a shooting occurred at my apartment complex. We go through good times, then really bad times. I used to have some female friends I would talk to during the bad times but they ended up getting engaged and married. I don't like to talk about my feelings to men. I feel like men just have to deal with it and not complain.
She's unhappy again. I feel cheated. I tried hard last week and everything seemed great. Now she wants me to divorce her again. I feel like I am being robbed of my future dreams of growing old maybe living ona homestead with her or at the beach in a high rise. We plan these things and I really want to do good, then things get crazy. I guess I start the trouble blaming her about her weed habit. I don't know. I don't think I am that bad or really said anything too mean. It really sucks to deal with this. I am going to have to go to therapy to deal with this. It's a never ending cycle. I am isolated. I don't have anyone to talk to.
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I'm horrified! I knew my insurance would go up due to getting a new car but I didn't expect it to go up over $2,000. I did have an accident with the snow/ice in the winter. I was just telling my brother that I have had my car since March 2, 2026 and have only spent $75 on an oil change. Now this! I called another insurance company and their quote was over $4,000. I guess I have to pay...
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Have you tried therapy? You can look for a female therapist, since you said you don't like to talk to men about feelings. I would suggest an individual therapist for yourself, and a couples therapist for the two of you. Two different therapists to see.
A therapist could help get this relationship back on track. Sometimes you need an outside perspective.
Also, if you are not sure if you have bipolar, get a second opinion from a psychiatrist. A family doctor (general practitioner) is not really trained to diagnose bipolar. A psychiatrist could help you with this (get you on the right meds, help with getting a therapist, etc),
Good that you reached out on here. I would suggest looking into that therapy, and you getting a second opinion about the bipolar.
Good luck. Things can get better!!
The situation is not sustainable unless both of you do some major changing emotionally and personality wise. Two unhappy people who have substance abuse problems do not make for a happy marriage. Both your use of alcohol and her use of weed are escapes from emotional pain each of you feel. Are you going to AA and working the 12 steps? Or still using alcohol? You wrote of her being physically and emotionally or mentally abusive. Her weed habit or addiction or substance abuse gets in the way of having a good relationship because it is her #1 and you come way down her list of important things. Your past or current drinking also gets in the way of having a good relationship with others.
You do not have to divorce her. She can divorce you if she so wants.
How realistic is future happiness with a person who you don't trust and don't even like and who has her own substance abuse issues like you do? You are not being robbed by her because the marriage has always been difficult and you two are unhappy, difficult people. Perhaps you are robbing yourself by not doing your own emotional healing, if you want to think of it this way.
You expect her to be happier than she is because why? When has she ever been happy in life or led a healthy lifestyle, one of high character?
GirlinCalif is right, go back to a psychiatrist and get reassessed. Part of mental illness can be denying that one has a mental illness. Oh, I am just fine but everyone else is messed up or difficult. Stinking thinking. The more you deny your diagnosis, the more difficult it is to be married to you because you don't take it seriously nor work on your own emotional wellness. Thinking you didn't say "anything too mean" is stinking thinking because part of that statement acknowledges you said something mean, just not too mean. Not too mean to you but perhaps another knife in the wife's back. You are part of the problem because you are in the marriage and say mean things to her just as she says mean things to you. Demeaning another person or disdaining another person kills a marriage, kills the love. Whether you do it to her, or she does it to you, or you both do it to each other. Kiss of death to a marriage.
Lastly, about your hearing loss. Do you clearly hear your wife talking to you? If not, this is a huge problem unless you both can do ASL. Might be time for you to learn ASL, and her if she is interested. Your hearing loss makes you isolated and have poor marital communication. I've had two husbands with hearing loss and let me tell you, them not being able to hear me or understand me is a huge impediment to the marriage. They didn't care that they could not hear me and I resented that they would not take care of their problem. I go to church with hearing impaired people and many have cochlear implants. My housecleaner has hearing impairment. We also know a ton of people with vision loss. Some ignore their issues and some learn to accept and find ways to function in spite of their impairment. Some do use alcohol or drugs to cope with losing their vision or hearing. It is time, dude, to take care of this issue if you have the funds and doctor approval. You limit your own life this way unless you are an active part of a deaf community and can use ASL, etc. If you are just living your life among the hearing and having poor communication and thus isolation, then this is not good for you. If you are not part of a deaf social community, please seek this out for your own good and happiness. You'll find others like you who are functioning well in life and happy even if or with their life circumstance.
Things can get better but it has to start with you doing your work within yourself. That takes courage but you can do it if you choose it. Wife may not chose to change. Your whole household is addicts of one kind or another and this does not make for a peaceful family life nor functioning healthy relationships. You do get to choose.