Hugs my friend. First, right off the bat. Be gentle with yourself. You are at the starting gate of this horrible road. It usually takes 1 year for every 5 years of a relationship to move on. But that is not a hard and fast rule. Take all the time you need Glad you have a therapist to talk to. Cry all you want. I did and it does help. Go total "no contact". You do not owe her anything. You did not say whether you have kids. If you do, please do not talk bad about their mother. They are innocent bystanders. One thing, when you see her, just smile turn around and walk away that will bother her more than anything you can say or do. I do not want to be in their shoes. Imagine, not trusting each other. Always wondering where they are or what are they doing
Even if they are in the same room, talking to other people. Wow, that is not the way I would want to live. T I hope you did not sign over the house to her. Stay safe and strong. You will be fine.

Thank you Atpeacemary. We never had kids, so that is not an issue. I tried to establish a friendship with her the past few years. She has been nonresponsive. Recently, I have made the commitment to go "no-contact". It is tough but I am determined. I really see her, funerals. I did not sign the house over to her. I own a cottage on the same property that she wanted so she could sell it and make money. I told her no and that she was going get nothing. I was going to fight her in court. As soon as she found out that her phone would be subpoenaed for any hint of an affair, she backed off and got absolutely nothing in the divorce. That is a story in itself. Again, thank you for the support. It does help to share!

Sorry, I meant I rarely see her.

Im not going to say its easy, but the solution is clear- you need to get over this.

Sorry it happened, what she did was wrong, but harping on it will not help. We had a woman friend, husband had an affair with her best friend and then married her, ouch, but 20 years later she was still complaining to anyone who would listen.

With Covid, people will tell you life is short, good health may be short, decent financing also, and if you have these, you want to go forward. Not saying its easy, but its clear that is what needs to be done.

Thank you for the advice Bobby5000. But it is easier said than done. I do not choose to feel like this. What I am saying is my brain is out of control. My therapist has identified me as a self-loather with an inferiority complex, Don't you think I have told myself a million times to get over it. It just does not work. I am embarrassed at how weak my mind is and what I have become. I was a confident, competitive football coach and martial artist all my life and now I am a piece of crap. I am not looking for sympathy. I am just trying to communicate and share in hopes that my plight helps me and others, As far as valuing life, you are barking up the wrong tree. I do not value life at all. That is one of things I am battling. The "S" word is constantly on my mind. I am trying to deal with that for the sake of my dogs. So please don't tell me what needs to be done. I know that. But when you don't believe it. . .well? BTW, If you don't want to listen . . . Don't. I am just trying to share reality and maybe, just maybe it will help.

I'm sorry this happened to you. She was so wrong to do this to you, and to your marriage. Well, if it helps at all, her chances of lasting with the affair guy is about 5 %.

How about you... what things have you been doing to keep busy? That's great that you are in counseling and taking your meds. You keep taking care of yourself. You have many years ahead of you, and lots to live for, and a new woman someday in the future.

No one person is worth thinking of ending your life for. She is a bad person. You had life before you met her, and you will have life after her.

There are good break-up books to read, podcasts to listen to, free YouTube videos about breakups. That helped me.

I hope you know this had nothing to do with you. That you aren't thinking back to how things "used to be so great" and how you "can't believe she would do this, that is not like her....". Believe me, I have spent long months trying to - figure it all out - and why did it happen, could I have stopped this, etc, etc.

But all that is in your past now. Life goes on. She chose to do this but now you have tons of new choices too. Moving forward is a good thing and lots of happy times ahead. Time to think about YOU for a change. You devoted your life to this woman, and now life is about YOU and what do you want in life? Travel, take up a hobby, start a side business... whatever you have always wanted to do, now you can do it.

Keep writing things out, it helps to get the feelings out. Contact any family, friends... wish them a happy new year.... just to connect and talk. It will make you feel better. Hang in there. Life will get better.

Oh my goodness GirlinCalif. You totally get it. I am obsessed with how great my life was with her. The problem is that I had no life before her. It wasn't until I met her that my life took a turn for the best. 30 years of wedded bliss, so I thought. Then BAM. Blindsided!
I try to keep busy, but I have no motivation and struggle to stay on task. Often times I try to build something in my workshop, but I freeze for minutes at a time not knowing what I am trying to do. My councilor talked to me about a book that talks ab0ut "the laziness of grief". We are working on addressing that.
Thank you so much for the podcast and video information. I will definitely check them out. It really sounds like you have have come through your break in a fantastic way. How long did it take before you felt at least somewhat normal?
I am going to keep writing things out. You are spot on about it helping. Also, I would love to hear more about your story. It really helps me to share back and forth.
Thank you again GirlinCalif

I think it is harder for men the older they get, and the longer the marriage went. Even if the wife dies, the man takes it harder.
It is really hard to pick it up and move on or move through it, the pain, the guilt, the hurt, the shame.
It never really is blindsided, its just we ignored the signs and glossed over them, thinking we could change things. once the fog clears, the heart, soul and head are in alignment we see all the signs and realize that we could have never changed the out come because it was not in our power.
We always want to make things better and try and change the other persons mind or out come.
We want to be loved, accepted and feel valued. It is a very hard thing to give to ourselves. We want to build our castle in hopes it is enough. We want to have the best job in hopes it is enough. We want to give selfishly in hopes it is enough.
But none of that really works, never has never will.
We have to accept us for ourselves, love ourselves for how greatly imperfect we are. Know we have value without needing someone or thing to define that for us.
Surely we did not have prefect or great childhoods, relationships, or even marriages, that does not grade us on value.
We struggle with our faults and fears and let them rule us, trick us into believing we are in control or can control the out come. Its very hard to judge others and criticize others for themselves when we are happy and love ourselves.
The damage I caused to myself and others, is not their fault, no matter how much I believed they deserved it or earned it, not even myself.
People see me as a happy fun person, and I want to be that person, but I am not, I am working on it. I find it hard to let go of my fears and defects to the God of my understanding, why? because I fear the unknown, I dont know what is next or what might come next. I fear making mistakes for being seen as a failure, even though others see it as great efforts of action. I fear standing up for myself, for fear of not being accepted.
I dont know where the line of compromise, compassion and willingness is in many things. So I allow others to cross my boundaries, in fear.
God gave me a successful career, life, body, health, mind and wealth, but my fears grip me into false actions of numbing pain and hiding shame, guilt or hurt. I pray daily, read the bible daily, listen to Christian music almost exclusively, al love these things has helped change me for the healthier better me.
I know I feel better when I do things for myself, with myself, even by myself, but fear holds me back so many times.
So are you like me - is fear gripping you, does fear control you, is fear stopping you from feeling and moving?

Its ok to not be ok,

I pray you are healthy and safe.

I am not sure if fear is gripping me because anger has engulfed me. I am always on the boarder of rage and hate. I know this is wrong and I fight it and try to stop the bad thoughts, but they just keep coming. I know at some level there is or was some type of divine or higher creator, but I am not a believer in spiritual power and prayer. I have tried, but unfortunately I just cannot seem to buy in. My family is constantly pushing it on me so I tried. But I guess I just do not have any faith. If that is the case, I have two choices. Keep trying to deal with my pain, or just accept that this is simply how it is going to end. Right now, I prefer to keep trying.

Another roadblock I have is something else you mentioned. I have known all my life that I do not like myself very much. When I thought I was in a loving relationship, I felt some worth, but in the back of my mind, there was always feelings of inferiority. Now that I have allowed my self to go down this black hole, I can honestly say I hate myself. My therapist and are dealing with this issue. You are so wise and correct that we should not judge ourselves on what others think or feel. I agree with that except for my loved ones. Especially my wife. There is such a battle going on in my brain that it is maddening. I meet with my therapist tomorrow, We will talk about many of the things you and all the awesome people on this site have been telling me. Your thoughts and efforts are greatly appreciated. You will never know how much it has helped. I am just going to keep trying. My first goal is to force myself to get out of bed. I cannot believe how hard that has gotten the past 4 years of this depression. Then, I just push to put one foot in front of the other. I don't go day by day. I have to go one footstep at a time. - literally one footstep at a time. Thank you MemphisWH

You have the right mindset, mostly... Just get up every day, put one foot in front of the other.. Continue to meet with your therapist. Anger and rage are normal.. Try to channel that into productive activity. For me, one example was exercise (when I was going through divorce after finding out my wife was cheating) - push that anger into forcing some good exercise!

It's a rough time and a brutal re-imagining of reality. I said your mindset was correct - "mostly". One area that concerns me is that you said it has been almost 5 years since your divorce and you are still stuck in a "black hole". That part is not good. You really need to let your ex go, accept that she is gone, and... accept that YOUR LIFE WILL BE BETTER WITHOUT HER!

That part is important! It really will. You have the potential now for better relationships. Maybe it seems hard to imagine, but it's true. Use anger to fuel your drive to self-improvement. Learn something new. Work out more. Put more time into work. Whatever it is that you can do to push yourself forward.

This same drive will make you more attractive. At any age there are dating opportunities these days. I am an example - middle-aged. My wife cheated and then divorced me 5 years ago. I had one relationship after that which lasted a couple years. It ended on a bittersweet note due to incompatibilities, but it was really good. After that I tried online dating and I have now been with someone else for nearly 1.5 years and things are going well. And these relationships have been better than my marriage was, to be honest.

I say all this only to give you hope and inspiration. After 5 years, do not accept the "black hole" thinking!! Instead use any pain and anger that is hanging around to push you forward. Take some chances. It has made a big difference for me and I think it will for you.

Best wishes,
-progmtl.

Geezzz. You should be a football coach. The way you state things is very inspirational. I really do have to beat "the laziness of grief". Thank you so much for such great words of encouragement that, I can tell, come from the heart and real life experience.

i,m so sorry for your situation as i have to have a marriage falling apart after 33 years. my husband is addicted to sex. blindsided is exactly the word. only recently did i see that he is an addict and supposedly has nothing to do with me. it sure feels that way tho! " Steppingovertheedge" has really said it well tho. he certainly has more experience than me as i have just started with therapy. long way to go!

Hello cinderful. I know, you feel inadequate, inferior and you might feel worthless. I know I do. I am glad you recognize that you have a long way to go. I am glad to hear you are in therapy. I always thought I was too tough for therapy and it is weak to talk about your feelings. Boy was I wrong. I don't know what I would have done without therapy. Keep plugging along and pushing forward even you feel you are moving backward.

You are not pathetic, you have been used and abused by an evil woman. Are you depressed about the loss or do you feel frustrated by all the time you feel you have wasted. Bottom line you can't let her manipulate your life, don't give her satisfaction.

Good question Lostinutah. I think I am depressed for both the reasons you mentioned plus many more. It really bothers me that I thought things were so great and all along it wasn't. I trusted her with my life! I feel like 30 years of my life was a lie. That is really hard for me to take. As for my wife being evil. Looking at everything now, you are absolutely correct. I was sleeping with the devil! How could I not have seen it???? That depresses too! Thanks for support!