I was a lot more carefree. Then I was properly medicated. things went into the crapper about then... No more carefree.

:(

I was a $100,000 a year executive, took on the world and beat it. It is hard to avoid getting back into the biz but life has forced me to slow down

Yeah,I opened and closed this topic a few times also.Thinking about what I could say to describe who I was before BP.

I was an intence child,quietly examining anything I was interested in,mostly nature,I wanted to be a biologist,or Vet.

In my teens I became a little more out going,didn't date,but was considered the "card" of the group.I always had a funny quip as a come back.
I was very innocent,and happy.

I married young,had a daughter at 21.

I think the post partum depression in me,did a sling shot...and I became manic.
I left my husband,and 13 month old daughter..I just threw some clothes in my car,and drove off.

I didn't have a job,or anything.
But by then I was in a perpetual hypomanic episode,I started working ,and rapidly biult my business skills.

By 25,I was working for Toshiba,in sales and writting custom soft ware(this predates personal computers,Mac's etc..)I remarried,moved to the SF Bay Area,and was a wonder woman.

I put on dinner parties for 20,at the drop of a hat.I travelled for my job,and did some pretty impressive installations (SEATAC Airport,being one of them).I worked with some of the largest Corps in the US,installing and writting programs for their POS systems.

I was the only woman in the US doing this kind of work..I was "grandious" to say the least.

I had several lucrative offers to move up with-in the Company,but my husband did not want to live in L.A....I was pretty content with my life in the Bay Area,so I didn't mind turning down the positions.It went on this way for years..perpetual hypomania.

Once a year or so,I'd get "sick" and stay in bed for a few days(I didn't realise,these were my little blips of depression).

Then my husband,who had been trying for years to establish his own swim team(with little success),got a job offer in Northern Cal(WAY NORTH)...I was'nt really excited about the move,but went along with it ,because I was a "good wife".

Once we moved up here,I had a difficult time getting work.
I once was let go from a sales job,because the boss said ,the other sales people were threatened by me,because my sales were so good,they were losing money(that was a slap in the face!)

I slowly declined into my first massive depression.I stayed in bed for about 3 years,only getting up a few hours a week ,to go do my silly little part time job(the only work I could find).

Finally I broke,I had a breakdown in the local grocery store,I started crying ,and sat on the aisle floor.They called my husband,he took me to hospital.

The MD's there never took a thougho background history,they just saw a middleaged depressed woman.They gave me Paxil......of course,some of you know what Paxil will do to some BP people.I was ok for a few weeks,then went into a phycotic episode..kicked my husband out of the house,started into an affair w a much younger man,kinda just lost my rocks.

New BF and family drug my butt to a MD,then a reference to a Pdoc...and here I am today.

In between all this ,my dad died,I was Dx w breast cancer,my daughter got quit ill.....I think my brain just went on overload,that and the Paxil,and I shattered.

Today,I still have my little parttime job,the one night stand w the younger man,is now going on 6 years together,I am still funny...but I don't have the spirit or energy or life I once had.

25 years of unDXed hypomania,has made my bipolar disorder,a difficult one to manage.So ,I've had little if any times of stability..only a few weeks or months at most.The rest of the time,I spend in mixed episodes,and I'm med resistant.

sorry,long story....but it's been a long road.

I was a child having bp symptoms since I can remember. My parents agree now and I wasn't dx until my early 30's.

I was mostly a depressed child but with rapid mood swings. I new something was wrong w/ me even at a very early age. I was weird, awkward & in mental pain all the time. Like I was outside of the world looking in through a small window which would open & close periodically.

I was determined to be something other than the way I felt inside. I constantly lived in conflict within myself.

I eventually went to college and worked very hard to be successful because I felt I would be "normal" as that was what everyone else did in life. I thought if I looked and acted like everyone else I could feel normal and fit into a world foreign to me. I didn't want people to know my agony. It made me feel like a failure as a person.

Was very successful in work which the mania helped tremendously. But would miss work when the abyss of depression set in. I sometimes would withdraw and isolate even at work. I mean I SHUT DOWN. Then I would be the humorous goof ball outgoing person I loved being. I was a respected and valuable employee for years and years. It is so sad that back then my identity was immersed in my job.

I had many suicide attempts during this time.

Eventually had a nervous breakdown and another suicide attempt which landed me in intensive care for 8 days.

This is when the blessing of the dx of BP saved my life. I didn't have to hide anymore. My secret was exposed.

My meds have been the catalyst of living a life which is healthy & functional. My moods can still swing and make trouble for me (or others) at times but at least I am now informed and aware of my disorder & behavior. The awareness makes it manageable now.

BP can help make my life amazing or difficult. I now can receive the help I needed so many years ago.

I thank you for this post because I haven't thought about those days in a long time. In some odd way, it's healing to look back and compare those days to now. To recognize progress which reinforces the hope.

Learning who I am with disorder will be a continuous growth process for the rest of my life. With the help of my pdoc & tdoc, support groups, etc... It is now is a journey of understanding, responsibly and happiness.

{{{hugs to all beepers}}}}

So sorry for rambling!!!!

I was a super student .
I missed one on the oh what was that test
I missed one question on the reading comperhension section of the college entrance test every body takes.
I could read the suggested reading matereal in any college class the night before the test and pass.
I had confidence
I was in shape
I had three percent body fat when I was twentysix
I was a good solder in the army
And I had dreams that I could do things that I dont even try now.
I miss that hanna the most.
But life is now so much better
I cant tell you how much better I feel with the right meds and the right tharapy !
My life has come togther quite nicely.
I am not rich I am not a dentist or furtune five hundered executive.
But I keep working take care of my family and look for oputunities to be of service to friends and family.
god bless you and your family
Matt

I've always looked at this point of view..."Who I was" in a negative aspect. I was very successful by the age of 25.

I lost all of what I had, and I wound up back where I began before any of my success. Perhaps I just took the wrong path.

Thank you all for your replies. Some insight that there will eventually be more positives is comforting.

I know how you feel hanna... I too will not leave the house for anything but appointments, events, or grocery shopping. I hate even going grocery shopping. I miss putting on cute outfits and feeling confident about myself, I feel like a fat loser with no ambitions and no drive to do anything. I am living someones elses life (Thats how I feel). Life sucks, but we have to live it. I hate bipolar so much :(

Hanna,it is a good topic..I think it has allowed some of us to express where we once were,maybe some of the dissapintments we've had,but also a gratefulness for where were are today...alive and trying!
:)

Ambitious and I really thought I could achieve anything

The topic is sweet with remembrence,but sometimes sad too.

I think a lot of us have lost something along the BP road.

But maybe ,gained some insight ,and compassion as well.

Thanks DD...you've been through a lot...as have many of us.

Even thought I've probably had this my whole life, I'm fairly new at attempting to cope with it. I'm hoping that I will get the right med cocktail soon, and maybe get back to life instead of just dwelling on what I've lost.

I know how you feel. I dwell on too much. Trying to see the bright side. Its good to remember who I once was. Makes me wants to be that person even more when I think of it. Just think its hard as hell to get there

Well said danc:)

This post helps us realize we beepers are not alone in our struggle.

I'm thoroughly convinced that I was born on a manic cycle, and even my mom says that I almost never cried to the point where they were getting concerned that there was something wrong with my tear ducts or something. I remember being in total despair and becoming destructive to my own toys as young as 3 or 4 years old. However, I have thought long and hard about the fact that before I knew I was bipolar, I had hope that I would grow up and go to college, and do whatever I wanted with my life. They told me I was gifted and capable of pretty much anything. My grades were always up and down according to my cycles, but still, I didn't see how bad it was all gonna turn out. I'm still grieving that lost dream. That's just it. A lot of us have to grieve for the life we had, or even the life we thought we had.

Same as Hanna. I was strong enough to hold it all together. But I did backslide now that I look back on it. Started coming unraveled about 8 years ago until I completely fell apart. I have no support system but I do have a good pdoc and nurse, etc. So I am thankful for that.